The boy, who always got along well with his parents, suddenly shouts to his dad: “Go away! This is our home with mom! ” The period of self-identification has approached.
«If the child is developing normally, he did not have any psychological trauma (for example, separation from his mother), then somewhere at the age of three, the baby begins to realize what gender he is, that there are people of the opposite sex and that there is a certain difference between them– says psychoanalyst Katerina Suratova. – Until this age, a small person perceives parents as a single whole and only after three years begins to separate them. With one person (representative of the same gender) is identified, the other is perceived as an object».
Beginning of period oedipal situation, or, as it is more usual to call it, oedipus complex, may be marked for parents with unexpected questions from the child: what is sex? Where the babies come from? Also, boys begin to show an increased interest in their genitals, to engage in self-demonstration. Thus, they check the parents if they accept him as he is. In addition, they may reject dad and wish to “marry” mom.
Actually, because of this manifestation, this period was named by Sigmund Freud the Oedipus: according to ancient Greek mythology, Oedipus killed his own father and married his mother.
Another sign of this stage of the child’s development may be the boy’s desire to wear his mother’s clothes. Such behavior can scare parents, confuse them, but it is important to remember that the Oedipus complex is key in the development of any person.
Katerina Suratova helped sort out the emotional chaos. Psychologist’s advice.
1. Answer children’s questions with the truth. Call everything by their proper names. With only one caveat – do not answer more than the child asked. He always needs time to process the information he receives. This advice will be difficult to apply to those who do not accept their own sexuality. But then the child will have a false idea of fundamental things, which in the future can play a cruel joke. It’s no secret that most adult problems come from this period.
2. The child should not see the intercourse of the parents. This also applies to the sex scene on the screen. No matter how much tenderness and affection there is in your actions, the little person will perceive them as an act of violence, which will cause him serious injury. The child should only fantasize about what is happening in the parents’ bedroom.
3. Even a three-year-old should have personal space. The parents have their bedroom. And he must have at least a secret box, closed to adults.
4. Talking about why the son cannot marry his mother should be led by the father. In the case of the girl, the mother. That is, a representative of his own gender, the one with whom the child will identify himself. And in this “struggle” the father must be the unequivocal winner. “Mom is my wife, we are a couple. When you grow up, you will meet your mate, perhaps she will look like your mother. But this woman is mine. “
5. During this period, it is especially useful for dad and son to engage in purely male affairs., have a common secret, incomprehensible and inaccessible to a woman. The same applies to mother and daughter, who have a huge privilege – they can give birth to their own kind. Hence – “mothers and daughters”.
6. Parents must accept the child as he is. It is more difficult for those who wanted, say, a boy, but turned out to be a girl. In this case, apply the rule of truth again: “Yes, we wanted a boy. But you appeared, and we love you very much. “
7. No need to scold a child for masturbation. At this age, it is not as pronounced as in puberty, but the exposure of the genitals for show takes place. Here you just need to explain that in society it is not accepted to behave this way. Do not threaten with “cutting off” and similar horrors, it will not lead to good. And, by the way, from this age it is important that the child does not see any of the parents naked.
8. The same applies to the child’s desire to wear mother’s clothes. There is no need to scold, insult and shame your son. It is enough to explain that this is just a game, in life you are a boy, etc. Do not focus on this, and he will not. If you strictly prohibit such things, a complex will develop, a person will not be able to be satisfied and establish himself either in the role of a man or in the role of a woman. What will entail the inability to create a normal family, and even attraction to members of the same sex.
9. The presence of a man in a mother’s head is of great importance., if we are talking about a single mother or a woman in trousers who does not put her husband in anything. A woman must have a man in her head, and then the son subconsciously copies this image. And you need to involve representatives of the stronger sex for confidential conversations, grandfather or uncle. It is very good when parents have a wide social circle. Then the child can lose the Oedipus situation not with his parents, but, say, with his mother’s friend or aunt.
10. Respect the child as an individual, separate from you. Let this respect be shown in both words and deeds. Children take it very well.