What’s at stake?

The rivalry between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a great classic of family patterns. The mother-in-law is no longer her son’s first object of love, and conversely the daughter-in-law, she too feels that the heart of her beloved has not entirely devolved upon her. Understanding this mechanism can already be a first step towards appeasement. Understanding that it is not easy for either of you helps you not to take it for yourself.

Without using aggression, it is sometimes difficult to express yourself because the emotions are strong. Faced with derogatory remarks or so-called good advice, it is better not to enter into the conflict and to use the principle of “thank you” stated in a positive way of course. Irony is not much help either.

Another strategy which avoids confrontation, which leads to nothing, would be to answer “hey, this is a good idea, I will try”. Thereafter nothing prevents to do as it pleases and even to do quite the opposite as soon as it turns on the heels.

Received as a way of controlling one’s life, this “good advice” can clumsily show the need to be helpful. The content in the end does not matter. What is the intention felt?

The spouse is caught in a conflict of loyalty, or said a little more colloquially, finds himself “with his ass between two chairs”. Without asking him to intervene, we can express his unhappiness to him “when your mother is there, I have the impression of being a bad mother”, or “I have the impression of not being a good father. with all these thoughts, you know her better than me, what would you do in my stead? “. Associating him with his worry and asking him for help will make him active in the situation. He too must position himself.

When aggression is significant and openly expressed, the spouse will have to put limits on his own mother. By attacking the spouse, she contradicts her choice. Apart from that, it is not for the mother to dictate the life choices of her child who has become an adult. He is autonomous and responsible. He can express his pain, his anguish, his anger to see her in this negative attitude towards his partner.

The mother-in-law has become a taboo subject. The tension is palpable when the subject is brought up. When the arguments become too important, asking for a neutral vision by being accompanied by a couple’s therapist, a coach, a psychologist, can help allay resentments.

In this situation, it is not a question of a long and expensive psychoanalysis, but simply of a few sessions to allow each one to hear what the other is going through. The therapist will question each one about their representations of themselves, of the other, of the mother, of the mother-in-law, of the roles and places of each in the family. This should make it possible to better understand each other, to reformulate to avoid hurting, without this being received in an aggressive manner.

Once appeasement has been found, dialogue reestablished, the therapist can help the couple find tips, ways of functioning so that harmony returns. It will be good for everyone, including children, if there are any, who are also feeling these tensions.

A mother-in-law and a mother are above all women. They can be affected by mental illnesses such as anorexia, which causes the patient to have a propensity to control everything. This is accompanied by excessive cleaning, a house in which objects move very rarely, rituals.

But not all beautiful mothers are anorexic. There is also aging which plays on the ability to adapt, to move. Fatigue, pain due to osteoarthritis for example or back pain, can cause irritability, a need for calm. Not obvious when small children are young.

Prioritize your family, the one you build with your spouse and children.

This group, called the “first circle”, must take precedence over the families of origin. This circle comes first before the requirements of any member of the original families: parents-in-law, brother, sister …

Be independent

The mother-in-law should not be called upon to look after the children all the time. She should not be seen as childcare, but as their grandmother, who can receive them on vacation from time to time and have fun with them. A mother-in-law who has acquired her habits at your home or with your children and has made herself indispensable will find it difficult to find goals for herself or to live alone when the small children are old enough to be independent. An emotional blackmail, heavy “I find myself all alone”.

Limit attendance time

Big arguments and settling of scores often happen when one of the two people, or both, can no longer bear the presence or remarks of the other. It is therefore essential to clearly identify, as a couple, the duration and frequency of visits.

While remaining benevolent, it is important that the spouse realizes that this time is not a moment of rest for his companion or companion, and that it is important to respect the limits of patience, otherwise ” attend big arguments. Unless you like conflict, they will understand the process of calming relationships that is at stake.

Do not take your opinion into account

The choices in the color of the walls of the room, the destination of the holidays, the education of the children… all these subjects are discussions which must remain in the couple. The mother-in-law has no say in anything except if asked. If she gives her opinion with conviction, the spouse can tell her with humor and kindness that he is an adult and that it is with his / her spouse that he will make this decision.