It is difficult not to lie to yourself, but it is even more difficult to admit that our previous life and relationships with people were built on lies. But without this recognition, we will repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Psychologist Courtney Warren explains how to get rid of self-deception.
We lie to ourselves about everything from why we buy our third pair of shoes in a month to how our childhood influenced our choice of partner. And most of the time we don’t realize the magnitude of the little «harmless» stories we tell ourselves. But at some point, we can understand that our very personality was built on deception. And then, without the participation of a psychotherapist, it will be difficult to “dig out” from under the mountains of verbal and mental rubbish the real one.
How do we know if we are lying to ourselves? Consider self-deception using the example of romantic relationships, because it is in relationships with those we love that our worst sides most often appear.
The surest way to determine whether you are lying or not is to observe yourself, without judgment or evaluation. Just note what and why you are doing, ask questions that can reveal your inner motives. It is important to analyze your emotions, thinking and behavior.
Emotions
Generally, if we react emotionally to something or someone, it is because we are being reminded of something painful or unresolved. For example, if you find it difficult to trust people, then when you fall in love, you may experience feelings of anxiety, anger, or fear. In this case, you will notice that often your reactions are not related to the behavior of the person himself! You are most likely reacting because of unresolved issues in your past. New relationships make you remember old conflicts.
Do you feel like you are overreacting to the situation? Stop. Ask yourself: what are these emotions? Why did they arise right now? What are they really aimed at? Are my emotions really connected to the current situation, or does what happened remind me of the baggage of the past?
Thinking
We all want to believe that our thoughts accurately reflect reality. In fact, most people have no doubt that they are right about everything.
Unfortunately, this is far from being the case: our thoughts are very inaccurate. And often these inaccuracies speak of a distorted understanding of the world or our unwillingness to admit unpleasant facts. For example, when entering a new relationship, we sometimes think: “I am sure that a new partner is cheating on me because my ex cheated on me” or “I am afraid to fall in love because love always hurts.”
We complain that no one loves us, even if we ourselves sabotage relationships with those who show sympathy for us.
If you notice your head filling up with irrational thoughts and jumping to conclusions, pause. Ask yourself: what words do I use to describe my partner? Can I trust my judgment? Am I using the past to justify my current thinking? Could my thoughts be biased?
Behavior
We desperately want our behavior to be separated from our selves. We don’t want to believe that our actions are a reflection of who we are.
For example, we don’t want to admit that we are jealous, even if we regularly check our partner’s phone. We complain that no one loves us, even if we ourselves sabotage relationships with those who show sympathy for us.
If your behavior is inconsistent with who you want to be or claim to be, stop and think. Ask yourself: why am I behaving this way? What motivates me? What do I not want to admit? Why am I doing this?
The truth takes courage
We cannot be honest with others until we are honest with ourselves. When we deceive ourselves, it affects our relationships with others. They are poisoned by suspicions, omissions and contradictions.
You can’t be honest “from Monday” — this process requires serious inner work and, above all, courage in order to face your fears and learn how to contact painful experiences. Through observing our emotions, thoughts and behaviors, we can understand who we really are.
The next step is to become who we want to be.
About the author: Courtney Warren is a psychologist and author of The Psychology of Self-Deception.