Cries, tears and arguments often punctuate the daily life of families and end one day or another by creating tensions and even deep wounds. To defuse the problem very quickly and put an end to these crisis situations with your child, the solution is not always punishment.

If outright punishment is effective in the very short term, it is all the more devastating later. The child, upset and hurt, does not understand the motivations of his parents and remains in a state of frustration. Misunderstood, he will not really learn a lesson and the conflict will undoubtedly start again in the days that follow.

To defuse the crisis, it is better to start by listening to its needs and requests and trying to understand it. By discussing and also sharing with him your own needs, communication begins and the crisis subsides.

Then comes the step of finding solutions. Since everyone now knows the expectations of the other, they are in a better position to find the best way to deal with this conflict. But for the child to feel motivated and concerned, the ideal is to involve him in this search for solutions. Child and parents therefore think together on how to satisfy everyone.

Here, no trace of superiority and balance of power. On the contrary, the child is the actor of the situation and will be all the more motivated so that his ideas are effective. He appreciates this confidence placed in him and will undoubtedly be very creative in his proposals. In addition, each of his solutions will be adapted to his needs and will help him to be attentive to those of others and their feelings.

Sharing experience is also very interesting and very effective (especially with adolescents) in dealing with conflict. Learning that one’s own parents had identical difficulties at a similar age allows them to step back and reconsider their parents in a different way. Here again, dialogue is one of the essential keys to managing a parent / child crisis.

To prevent the conflict from getting too big, here are some steps you can take to relieve the pressure and find effective solutions:

• Start by calming the situation: reacting hot does not do any good. On the side of parents like that of children, the first thing to do is to breathe, breathe and calm down. To isolate oneself so as not to overflow is an essential step.
• Then comes the time for dialogue and explanations. Encourage your child to explain their feelings with open-ended questions “What do you think happened?” Why did you feel the need to scream? How do you think we can solve the problem? Etc. “.
• Once the problem has been posed, well defined and clear to everyone, the search for solutions can begin. The child must be part of this reflection. It is up to you to help him to verbalize his feelings and his proposals and to study together the relevance of the ideas suggested. If the child is young and not very creative, encourage him with questions to think about the situation. It is important that everyone feels confident, so it is imperative not to judge their ideas but on the contrary to explain their irrelevance.
• Then during this family discussion, one or more solutions will be adopted. Do not hesitate to choose one of the child’s proposals to involve them and encourage them to stick to it. Finally, check that everyone has understood what this implies and if it is acceptable for the child.
• Finally, discuss together how to set up this conflict resolution solution: How long? When do we start? etc. It is also essential not to freeze things. If the child does not keep their commitments, resume the discussion and think again about another solution.

Effective with children 4 years and older, these steps are still a source of inspiration for parents of young children. There is no point in punishing without any explanation, young and old alike like to understand and dialogue. So good communication is always better than strong confrontation.