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Did you spend all your money on a new pair of shoes, throw a big party on your birthday even though you’ve been saving for a car, or take out a loan for a new smartphone? Chances are you are living beyond your means. How to deal with this problem? We analyze the example of our heroine.
Ember’s story
Amber owns her own company that organizes various events. In the city, she is considered a successful woman. During the first session of work, she honestly admitted: “My business does not generate income, and I am afraid that I will have to declare bankruptcy. It will be a disaster for me.»
The woman led a luxurious lifestyle, trying to imitate the heroes of glossy celebrity magazines. She herself admits that she had absolutely no control over expenses. “As soon as I wanted something, I spent money without thinking,” she admits. She spent so much on events for clients that she ended up at a loss.
Amber realized that it was time for her to “grow up” and learn to take life and business more seriously. Together we developed an action plan for her, with the help of which she will gradually learn to control her expenses.
At our next meeting, she brought a bottle of champagne and a box of cupcakes.
“I’m sorry I’m late. I bought a car and a “beautiful” license plate, ”Amber apologized. It surprised me. As the session progressed, I realized that she had made no attempt to change anything. I asked her how she felt about several possible reasons why people tend to overspend:
Feeling emotionally empty inside, which we are trying to fill with something.
Fear of being worse than others Anxiety arising from the fact that we compare our way of life with the way of life of others.
Frustration intolerance — the desire to immediately satisfy any of their desires, ignoring the long-term consequences.
Amber realized that all three reasons applied to her in one way or another. She grew up as the only girl and the youngest child in a large family, everyone adored her and she always got everything she wanted. Her father still gave her money for the business and saved her from financial problems.
Amber also realized that she never had to face the consequences of her actions. I explained that the pursuit of momentary pleasure often results in financial problems, health problems, and a lack of happiness in life. Research shows that people who can delay meeting their needs are more likely to achieve their long-term goals.
Amber assured me that she had reached the point in her life where she finally wanted to stand on her own two feet, be independent, and be taken seriously.
Some errors
Criticize customer behavior
I met with my supervisor, who immediately pointed me to the main thing: “What were you thinking? You succumbed to her charm and turned a blind eye to being late. You wouldn’t let another client get away with this. It seems to me that she figured out a long time ago — she will get away with everything due to charm, she tries her proven methods with you. Your responsibility as her coach is to pay attention to this and criticize such behavior. Don’t let yourself be treated like that.»
I decided next time to be sure to monitor such behavior and clearly express my dissatisfaction. This is one of the important aspects of the coach’s work — to build an «adult-to-adult» relationship with the client, in which there is no place for games and manipulation.
Don’t expect instant results
I worked with Amber for many months, and little by little she learned to resist temptation and put off meeting her needs. Of course, there were breakdowns — for example, at some point she suddenly decided to go «hang out» in Ibiza.
Most importantly, Amber told her father what she wanted out of our sessions and asked him to help her do it. His help made a big difference. Instead of «rescuing» her, he was given the opportunity to share his wisdom and experience as a successful businessman with her as an adult with an adult. Their relationship entered a new phase, and they were able to truly appreciate each other. For the first time in her life, Amber felt genuine pride in her accomplishments.
What to do — three steps to change the habit
1. Create your shortcuts
There is one great exercise that will help you change your own ideas about yourself and your behavior. Take a piece of note paper and on each piece of paper write a word or phrase that reflects some of the «labels» that you have been «pasted». These can be phrases that others have said about you, or what you yourself used to think about yourself. Be sure to write down both positive and negative labels. Then iterate over them one by one and do one of the following with each:
Leave it. If you like the label, you agree with such a definition and it is useful for you, stick this sheet somewhere in a conspicuous place.
Rephrase. Perhaps there is some truth in this label, but the word itself is unfortunate. For example, if you are called spendthrift, you can reformulate this definition: «Generous when I can.»
Throw away. If the label doesn’t reflect who you really are or how you want to see yourself, get rid of it. And write a few other definitions of yourself that will be useful to you.
2. Calculate the benefit
This method will help overcome the difficulties in making decisions. It is based on the fact that the surest path to happiness is to make decisions that allow us to have joy and pleasure both now and in the future, without sacrificing one for the other.
Make a list of all the factors that are relevant to the decision you are about to make, including any possible short and long term implications. Evaluate how important each factor is to you, and then calculate what will outweigh — «for» or «against».
3. Learn to delay meeting your needs.
The so-called «Stanford marshmallow experiment», first conducted in the 1960s and 70s, is widely known. The experimenter left the child alone in a room where a marshmallow lay on the table. The child could eat the treat right away or wait 15 minutes and then get two marshmallows. Some children were able to show patience and endurance, others were not.
After many years, scientists tracked how the fate of these children developed. It turned out that those who already at an early age knew how to postpone the satisfaction of their immediate needs later showed better academic success and were better able to motivate themselves.
If it’s hard for you to endure and wait until you get what you want, try to deliberately postpone the fulfillment of some of your desires every day for 1-2 months. Pay attention to how you feel and see what will change in your life in a month.
About the author: Kim Morgan is a British psychotherapist and coach, author of several books, and director of Barefoot Coaching.