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Cheating is always a difficult test for a couple. Even if you are ready to give the relationship another chance, what happened can be painful for a long time and keep you from taking a step forward. “You have the right to control it to be sure: everything is really over” — we often hear such advice. How justified are they?
«He must prove the sincerity of his intentions»
April Putnam, private detective, blogger
You have forgiven and want to start a relationship with a clean slate, but doubts about the honesty of a partner are natural. You can put some conditions on it. Doing them will help you feel more confident and will prove that he really broke off relations with another woman.
You should have free access to his mail, phone and social networks. Ask him to send a message in your presence to the one with whom he cheated, confirming that everything between them is in the past.
If she writes back, you can let her know that you are aware of what happened and encourage her to respect your partner’s decision and not harass him. Of course, it is impossible to maintain any friendly ties between them. Demand not only the removal of her personal contacts, but also the blocking of accounts in his social networks. It would not be superfluous to offer the partner to change the phone number and email address.
If they are colleagues, insist that professional contacts be kept to a minimum. In the case when he cannot influence this, ask him to talk about it with the management, even if you have to explain the real reason.
If he refuses, fearing for his reputation, remind him that he should have worried about this earlier. Most likely, it will be difficult for him to agree to all your conditions. But he must understand: restoring trust is possible only when you are completely sure that the relationship is broken.
How to understand that a partner is ready to meet halfway?
He is open to talk about why this happened and what you as a couple can do to make the episode of infidelity a thing of the past. He does not ignore your feelings, the need to understand what happened and ask questions that you want answers to.
From time to time, memories of what happened may come back and hurt you. It seems to you that you made a mistake and you can no longer trust him. This does not mean that your relationship has no future, you need to give yourself and your partner time.
“We need openness, but not total control”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
It is impossible to gain trust and prove that everything is really in the past, just by handing over the phone for verification. This can be a one-time action that is more like a surgical operation: it is useful to see that the connection is over and the intentions are indicated.
In the future, an attempt to rudely invade the partner’s private space will not restore relations. The one who changes this is placed in the position of a prisoner under supervision, and the victim is made an overseer and fixes his attention on traumatic suspicions and the search for evidence, and not on a cure.
Openness and lack of secrets between partners at this difficult stage of the relationship is necessary, but other actions are also needed. Sometimes it is worth changing something globally. It could be getting fired or moving because the mere fact of involving colleagues or friends who knew about the infidelity makes the injured partner constantly feel humiliated.
It is necessary to make and support a common decision to save the relationship and not fall into resentment
It is possible to carry out a redistribution of property and finances within the family, which will demonstrate that the cheating partner intends to confirm his loyalty and is not going to repeat the betrayal.
For example, if all joint property is recorded on the husband, you can change this to ownership in equal shares. This will be a real demonstration of the intention to be faithful. It is important to deal with the causes of infidelity, because the responsibility usually lies with both partners. Cheating occurs when it is impossible to constructively agree, understand each other’s feelings, honestly meet the needs of marriage.
Sometimes an unconscious provocation of the injured party can be traced behind it, and then it is necessary to change the whole scheme of relations. The position “I am offended, conquer me, and I will look at your behavior” is always destructive.
It is important to make and maintain a common decision to save the relationship and not fall into resentment. This point can cause resentment: he changed, and actions to improve relations are mutual. However, without recognizing mutual responsibility, steps towards each other are impossible.