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Today, many people talk about work-life balance, but is it really necessary? Yes, some people go headlong into work or, conversely, are exclusively occupied with their families, but is it really that bad? Here is what Irina Pracheva, a coach and author of a transformational program for women, thinks about it.
1. Understand the cause of the imbalance
Any imbalance has a cause, and in order to eliminate it, it is necessary first of all to identify it. Often people plunge headlong into work because of a lack of love, understanding and respect at home, problems with loved ones — that is, they try to compensate for what they do not receive in the family at the expense of professional success.
My client Elena, a successful top manager and mother of three children, every morning not only goes, but literally flies to work. There, her subordinates idolize her and the leader appreciates her, her opinion is listened to, and her voice often becomes decisive. Having crossed the threshold of the office, Elena feels confident, necessary, irreplaceable. She spends a lot of time at work, gives her best and quickly climbs the career ladder.
And her husband Oleg is waiting for her at home. He practically does not work, spends most of his time at the computer and blames others for his failures. Despite the fact that he himself did not achieve anything, he is sure that the household should obey him. Oleg constantly belittles Elena, finds flaws in her appearance and behavior. There has been no love in the family for a long time, Elena does not divorce her husband only because of the children. And also because she simply has no time to think about what she really wants. Elena simply runs away from home, where she is deeply unhappy, to work, where she feels good.
The heroes fled from family problems to the office. Due to dissatisfaction in the relationship there was a distortion
Another client of mine, Alexander, built a career in a corporation until the age of 35 and simultaneously ran several businesses, spent 16-18 hours at work, and even his weekends were busy with business meetings. Finally, having achieved everything he dreamed of, Alexander realized that over 13 years of marriage, he and his wife had moved away from each other and they had nothing to talk about, except for children. My client once insisted that his wife not work and take care of children, but then he realized that it became boring with her. He began to run away from boredom and stories about household chores and spend more and more time with business partners.
Fortunately, he realized that there was emptiness inside, which means it was time to stop, take a break in his career. Looking around, he realized that many of his peers were going through a midlife crisis, divorcing their wives. But he did not want to repeat this scenario, it was important for him to restore relations with his wife. It was with this request that he came to me for a consultation.
The common thing in these stories is that the characters fled from family problems to the office. Due to dissatisfaction in the relationship, there was a bias towards a career and business.
2. Want to change
In order to get rid of «distortions», you need to sincerely want to find balance. It sounds trite, but in practice, I often come across the fact that clients complain about the lack of harmony between career and family, but not only do not try to find it, but, in fact, do not want it. And at the same time, they feel remorse because they devote little time to the family, or are upset that they have no other interests than a career. But once a person really wants to change, everything else is a matter of technique.
As soon as Elena and Alexander realized the real causes of the imbalance, realized that they wanted to find harmony, they were able to quickly rebuild their lives.
In business, everything was easy for Maria: she knew what she wanted, and went towards it, relying only on herself
Another client, Maria, came to the consultation with the following request: she wants to be not just the owner of a trendy cafe and an Instagram star (an extremist organization banned in Russia), who regularly shares the secrets of building a successful business with journalists, but also a beloved woman. However, during the sessions, it turned out that Maria likes to be a star of the female business community, and she is afraid to start building new relationships (at that time my client was divorced, she raised two sons alone and did not remember the last time she was on a date).
At heart, Maria was very afraid of relationships, remembering the pain that her ex-husband caused her. Fear and limiting beliefs kept her from moving in that direction. But in business, everything was easy for her: Maria knew what she wanted, and went towards it, relying only on herself. The first priority was to get rid of fears and false beliefs about men. Only after that she woke up a desire to meet love.
3. Set a goal
As soon as Elena and Alexander wanted to find family happiness, they set themselves the goal of achieving harmony between their careers and personal lives. For successful people, goal setting is a clear and effective tool. Both were aware that where the focus of their attention is, there is energy, therefore, if every day they pay attention to achieving balance, in the end they will definitely achieve it.
The following has helped me keep my goal in focus. My «terrible dream» was the heroine of the film «Office Romance» Lyudmila Prokopievna, and I tried to distance myself from this image as much as possible. I have always set myself the goal of being successful not only in my career, but also in my family, striving for balance and harmony. I asked myself: “What can I do today so as not to become like Lyudmila Prokopyevna?” — and the question helped keep my attention on femininity and beauty.
4. Form a clear vision
To set the right goal, you need to form a clear vision of the balance between career and family. It is worth doing this not alone, but with loved ones: this way you will get to know each other better and understand what is important for your family. This process unites, gives a sense of community. In some families, it takes several weeks to form a vision of their ideal life: all household members are included in the process and enjoy it.
You should not skip this step, because it may turn out that your children have completely different desires and ideas about harmony. Working on a vision of an ideal life, for example, Mikhail found out that his presence at competitions is very important for his son. The boy wanted his dad to root for him, support him, and be proud of his achievements. But you don’t need to take him to training in the morning. If he had not discussed this with his son, he would certainly have tried to re-arrange his schedule to take the boy, but he would have continued to miss the competition.
5. Use the SMART Method
The initial goal — to find a balance between work and family — must be set according to SMART technology. Each letter in the name hides performance criteria: S (Specific) — specifically, M (Measurable) — measurable, A (Achievable) — achievable, R (Relevant) — significant, T (Time Bound) — limited in time.
The most common mistake is overstating the bar. For example, Vladimir is a maximalist and is used to being the first in everything. Deciding to improve relations with his wife, he made it his goal to return home every day at seven in the evening. This goal turned out to be unattainable and unrealistic: for many years he worked until ten in the evening, and so abruptly changing the schedule meant jeopardizing the business. We adjusted his goal: Vladimir decided that twice a week he would come home no later than eight in the evening and communicate with his wife. For their couple, this was a huge progress, and managed to do without additional stress and negative consequences for work.
By setting a goal according to the SMART method, we can finally take action and every day take small steps closer to a harmonious and happy life.