Contents
“It is not true that relationship problems can be solved in bed”
Gender
María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez, experts in psychology, address the wrong motivations that can produce misconceptions about the couple and sex
Rather than talking about what “is good or what is bad” when referring to sexual relations, what María Ibáñez and Jesús Jiménez propose is to influence “what hurts and what benefits”, since sex goes, as they explain, inextricably linked to the emotions.
This marriage of researchers, thinkers, experts in psychology and writers defend that couple relationships should be based on the affected complicity and the channels and not so much in the search or achievement of pleasure or sexual desire.
Authors of books such as “Learn to solve what makes you suffer”, “Walking on the roof of the world” or “An island in the mountains”, among others, Jesús Jiménez and María Ibáñez have dedicated their careers to investigating the human mind. unravel the psyche and behavior to offer a pathway to solution to personal and social conflicts based on understanding problems and personal development.
They assure that this great challenge that we have had to live called a “pandemic” (with confinement, de-escalation, economic and health conflicts and current uncertainty) has generated two great currents in the field of booths. For some it has meant a reinforcement of the bonds that has led them to collaborate together in the face of adversity, while for others it has been the “last straw” or the experience that has led them to start a process of deterioration or deterioration. even breaking up.
We discussed with them some of the common beliefs (and others that are not so) around sexuality and the couple.
When talking about sexuality, it is frequent to refer to the need to be active and creative “in bed” to combat routine or monotony. What psychological implications does this question have?
Maria Ibáñez: When a couple tries to increase creativity and use of sex toys because there are monotony in sex, that is to say, boredom, what you are actually doing is trying to activate sexuality to combat the problems that are really producing that monotony. It is as if a person who has anxiety tries to act on the anxiety but not on the cause of that anxiety, or as if someone who feels bad makes compulsive purchases, but does not delve into the causes that lead them to do so. When a person has to find how to activate sexual desire, it is actually because there is a problem in the couple. But what you have to do is not activate sexual desire but go to the source of the problem that leads you to feel that monotony.
What happens with these “techniques” is that the desire is reinforced but the emotion is repressed. And that, in the long run, generates a conflict in the couple’s relationships.
Jesus Jiménez: This error or this supposed need to activate sexual desire comes from the fact that a few years ago the idea that couple problems could be solved in bed began to spread massively, but that is not true.
If a person does not want to carry out alternative sexual practices, could we say that they are repressed or that they have some type of psychological trauma related to sexuality?
Jesus Jiménez: No, I would say it is rather the other way around. Sexuality must be accompanied by sensitivity, emotion, tenderness and affection. When you feel or perceive that a certain practice is not comfortable or you do not like, it is better to listen to your feeling and not do what you think will not benefit you. Not only is he not a repressed or a retrograde, but he is likely to be a more balanced person.
What kinds of sexual practices or consensual games can promote negative emotions without us being aware of it? What are its effects?
María Ibáñez: Most sexual practices can be done with good emotions or with negative emotions. The practice is not as important as the intention with which it is done. But it is true that some practices cannot be done with a “good” emotion, such as submitting to another. The practices that lead to submission and submission generate conflict, deterioration or imbalance in the couple.
A person who submits to another in sexuality or anywhere is enhancing his inferiority complex, which he tries to resolve by submitting the other person. And the person who acts by submitting also enhances his security-seeking complex in a way that hurts him.
And of course, if there is pain, a positive emotion is not emerging either.
Oral sex is rewarding for some people, but not pleasant for others, how do you explain to your partner that you don’t like a certain practice?
María Ibáñez: One of the questions that is often talked about is how wonderful it is to enhance desire or sexuality. But this can lead us to a misconception, because sometimes what hides the fact that some people say that they like to practice oral sex with others hides in reality that what they like is “to please the other person” and not her. practice itself.
Jesus Jiménez: It is a delicate matter because many people affirm that they like to practice oral sex with others but in reality if one goes beyond social pressure (it seems that you are repressed or retrograde if you do not like it) and really analyze if you Like it or not, you can conclude that it is not satisfactory, but that what you do has to do with the need to please the other person.
So how can you approach this conversation about what you do and what you don’t like?
María Ibáñez: When talking about it, one has to realize the damage that sexual practices that some of them do not want can cause in the couple. If someone is forced to do something they do not want to, it will lead to distancing and, in the long run, an emotional imbalance and even resentment.
Jesus Jiménez: The conversation should be approached in the most sincere way possible, analyzing the situation so that each one could see what is happening or why they have the need for the other to do something that they do not really want to do. One can investigate, clarify and deepen all this. But what is really satisfying is when sex is linked to psychological and emotional communication.
What characteristics define a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship?
María Ibáñez: A satisfactory sexual relationship takes place when pleasure is not the most important thing, but what is important is complicity, emotion, affection … the emotional part.
Jesus Jiménez: That’s it. To give an example it would be as if you go to a restaurant because they have told you that the food is fantastic and you go with your partner. If you go to that meal where you are going to have a great experience angry, logically it will not be the same. Dont have much sense. Although you enjoy, you do not enjoy the same. The same thing happens in the couple. The most important thing is affection, affection and communication. And everything else involves enjoying together.
Can sex be a “reconciling” or “cohesive” element in couples?
Jesus JiménezRather, it is the other way around. If there is an estrangement in the couple, the act of forcing yourself to have relationships will be, in the best of cases, a kind of escape that will not make the problem go away and, in the worst of cases, it could even make things worse. Sex, by itself, doesn’t fix any problems. When there is communication or when it comes to something prior to reestablishing communication bridges, it can be an accompaniment, but never a solution.
Can women lose interest in sex when the relationship stabilizes or when they have children?
María Ibáñez: Yes. It sounds ancient but in ancient times the man was the hunter, the one who brought the food, and the woman was the one who cared and the one who “had” to be attractive to attract. Those ideas have changed, but they are still present as atavistic. Women therefore tend to try to increase their attractiveness to like while they continue to associate with the conquest, so that, in some way, the man has the idea that it is “valuable” if he conquers the woman, while the woman wants to feel wanted. But then, what happens when the woman has a decided love life? That his sexual desire falls a lot and that can lead to a conflict in the relationship as he begins to feel less valuable in terms of conquest. What can be done then is to talk, dialogue and realize that while the woman feels more emotionally secure and does not need to be desired, he feels less valued and rejected.
The one who has more sexual desire can exert excessive pressure and that can generate conflict or resentment.
Jesus Jiménez: Nowadays those roles have changed and many times it is the woman who conquers and he who feels conquered. But the same problem continues to occur whether they are men or women because those roles, although sometimes they are interchanged, can generate a fundamental problem in the relationship.
Some people have unsatisfactory sexual relations, but they do not say so for fear of abandonment or that the relationship deteriorates, how would it be advisable to address this situation?
Jesus Jiménez: You have to put the issue on the table and talk about how each one feels because when we open ourselves we will be able to realize other things that we had not perceived. For example, if the woman realizes that the man seeks in addition to pleasure, a certain recognition or appreciation, in reality she could show affection, appreciation and recognition in other ways, not only through sex. Or if, for example, he does not feel like having sex, perhaps that hides behind a certain fear of disappointment, so other ways of meeting can be sought.
María Ibáñez: They must speak it because the displays of affection have to exist in the couple, but that does not mean that they are made to give way to sex.
What are the effects of using messages like “sex makes you lose weight” or “sex makes your skin look great” or similar phrases on a psychological level?
María Ibáñez: Those messages hurt the emotional part. Imagine that a person is having sex with his partner and the latter tells him that he is actually having sex because it makes his skin better. It is a use of some on the other and supposes a deterioration of the psychological part of a relationship. Sexuality is linked to the emotional part and one has to know how to take care of that part, must be more sensitive and not use the other or allow oneself to be used. That is why there has to be a communion or a communication. Encouraging utilization to achieve a result makes people self-centered.
Jesus Jiménez: It is not that the publication of these messages directly cause damage, but it can promote that idea in people who do not realize that it is going to hurt them emotionally. If there is no communication or reciprocity that will generate conflicts. Having sex because you lose weight has the same sense as having children because by holding them you strengthen your biceps. It doesn’t make sense and it’s something deeper.