Interview with social psychologist Jean Epstein: The child is now idealized

You fight the idea that there is an ideal method of education. How does your book escape this through?

I made sure my book was upbeat, concrete and open. In all social circles, parents today feel overwhelmed because they no longer have the basic know-how that was previously passed on without noticing it, from generation to generation. Some women, for example, are knowledgeable about the composition of breast milk, but have no idea how to breastfeed their babies. This apprehension thus makes the bed of the specialists to the peremptory and guilty speeches, but also contradictory. For my part, I am deeply convinced that parents have skills. I therefore content myself with giving them the tools so that they can find their own method of education, adapted to their child in particular.

Why do young parents today have more and more difficulty in finding what place to give to their child?

Formerly the child did not have the right to speak. A tremendous development has allowed us to finally recognize the real skills of babies. However, this recognition has become so important that the child today is idealized and over-invested by his parents. Through their testimonies, I thus meet many babies “heads of families” to whom the parents dare not forbid anything, because they constantly ask themselves “Will he still love me if I say no to him?” »The child must play only one role, that of being the child of his parents, and not that of spouse, therapist, parent of his own parents or even punching bag when the latter are not. not agree between them.

Frustration is the keystone of a good education?

The child does not spontaneously accept any frustration. It is born with the pleasure principle. Its opposite is the principle of reality, which allows one to live among others. For this, the child must realize that he is not the center of the world, that he does not get everything, right away, that he must share. Hence the interest of being confronted with other children. In addition, being able to wait also means getting involved in a project. All children feel the need to have limits, and they even deliberately mess around to see how far they can go. They therefore need adults who know how to say no and show consistency in what they prohibit.

How to sanction a child in a fair way?

The choice of sanctions is important. A spanking is always a failure somewhere. A sanction must therefore be immediate and conveyed by the person present during the stupidity, that is to say that a mother must not wait for the father’s return to punish her child. It must also be explained to the child, but not negotiated with him. Finally, be fair, taking care not to make the wrong culprit, and above all proportionate. Threatening his child to abandon him at the next gas station is simply terrifying because taken in the face. And when the pressure rises crescendo, then we can try to entrust him to other adults to make him accept the sanctions that he refuses from his parents.

Speaking helps prevent cries, anger, violence …

Some children are very physical: they sting everything others have in their hands, scream, cry, roll on the ground … It is their language, and adults must first be careful not to use the same language as them shouting at them. Once the crisis is over, go over what happened with your child and listen to what he has to say, in order to teach him that by putting words, we can discuss with the other. Talking frees, relieves, soothes, and it is the best way to channel his aggressiveness. We have to come to words so as not to come to blows.

But can you tell your child everything?

You must not lie to him, nor withhold essential things about his personal history. On the other hand, we must also be careful not to overvalue his skills and therefore always ask “how far” he is ready to listen to us. No need, for example, to go into the details of his aunt’s illness when he just wants to know why she stays in bed and if it is serious. Your best bet is to make him feel that you are open to his questions, because when a child asks a question, it usually means that he is able to hear the answer.

Do you also deplore the current trend towards zero risk?

Today we are witnessing a real drift in safety. Child bites in the nursery become a matter of state. Mothers are no longer allowed to bring homemade cakes to school. Of course, you have to ensure the safety of a child, but also let him take calculated risks. This is the only way for him to learn to master the danger and not find himself completely panicked, unable to react, as soon as something unexpected happens.