Contents
“A child needs a father” — those who think so are right in their own way. But not in the sense that you need to throw all your strength into finding some kind of dad — just to be, but in the fact that you don’t need to denigrate the father of the children and deprive them of the opportunity to meet with him, even if he behaved with you not very nicely , and that’s why.
A single mother is not a stigma and not the result of a bad upbringing. It happens. An affair with a married man whom a woman loved and sincerely believed that he would leave his wife, or a relationship with someone who decided that he was not ready for fatherhood. Or the desire to give birth «for yourself.» Or a date that ended in pregnancy. Life is wider than our rules, and illegitimate children are part of reality.
Whatever the reason for the breakup, the responsibility of the father and mother does not depend on the form of their relationship. And it is simple: everyone has their own hundred percent. A woman takes one hundred percent responsibility for a child when she decides to give birth to him. And the same one hundred percent belong to a man. The only question is who and how is responsible.
It doesn’t matter how the father showed himself, but it is very important that the child basically has it. If the mother does not say anything about the father at all or cannot build a respectful relationship with him, in the end it always affects the child. And this is trauma: “your father doesn’t need you,” “you are my burden,” or “you are costing me too much.”
In an ideal world, the father, of course, is obliged to share all the hardships with the mother, but this is not always the case even in complete families. He will manifest himself if he has the desire and ability, and the task of the mother is to prepare the necessary conditions for this. It is difficult, but you have to try so that the child does not get hurt.
1. Respect the child’s father
Disrespect for him deprives the child of support. It’s like sawing the leg of a stool: even if you carefully polish the other three, someday the whole structure will break.
But how to respect a father who left a child, does not pay alimony and does not come? Difficult, but necessary. As long as you continue to be angry with him, you cannot fully accept your motherhood and your child. It was as if it was imposed on you, and, believe me, the child will feel it.
Respect does not equal good attitude. It is enough to admit that the father has his own life and his own reasons for doing so.
2. Don’t try to prove to your child that you are better.
While you are competing to be the best parent, the child is losing. Competition begins where there is no respect, but there is a lot of resentment. Then the mother proves to the child with all her might that the father is bad, that only a scoundrel can not give money for education and “God forbid you grow up like that.” Often she takes the child as an ally and forces him to condemn his father. This is a clear signal for the child: one half you are «spoiled.»
You already proved everything to the child when you stayed with him. Therefore, there is no need to hide photos of the father and at any convenient moment to remember him with an unkind word. The child should feel that both parents love him and that you do not regret that you chose this particular person as his father, even if he does not behave the way you would like.
3. Accept your role as a mother
It does not matter at all whether a man wanted a child or not. Situations are different, and not always pregnancy is desirable for both. It even happens that a woman becomes pregnant on purpose, although the man clearly explained that he was not ready for fatherhood. It’s great if he’s ready when the baby is born, but that’s not always the case.
We cannot change the past, but we can make inner peace at any moment. There is a father or not, he shows himself enough or not, motherhood is a choice. And it needs to be done. Then reproaches to the father will disappear and satisfaction from the role of the mother will appear.
4. Don’t use guilt
The temptation to blame another is very great, but no one wants to be constantly guilty, and calls to conscience and insults often lead to the opposite effect, and dad disappears for good. And then the feeling of guilt passes to the child, accompanying him all his life: “it was because of me that my mother was so difficult.” Even if the father is wrong, this is not a reason to poison the life of your common child.
5. Do not forbid him to see the child
The ban on meeting with the child is an attempt to punish the father, but suffers at the same time … that’s right, the child. You should not interfere with meetings, even if the former partner does not pay alimony or comes rarely. Maybe he really isn’t capable of more right now. But the child should not feel that half of his life is closed from him.
You need to limit communication only if the father is socially dangerous or was cruel to the baby.
6. Do not ignore the relatives of the child’s father
The father is only one figure in the family, and the child will surely be interested in who else is there besides the pope. Intentionally excluding grandparents from life means leaving a void in his soul: he seems to be embarrassed. And if the dad’s relatives are ready to communicate with the child, that’s fine. Even if he turned out to be a scoundrel, his relatives can be decent people and love the child.
If the father has other children, it is important to introduce them. So the child will acquire an identity: “I am the same full-fledged child of the pope, like other children, they don’t hide me, they don’t hide from me.”
7. Don’t confuse marriage and fatherhood
The task of the father is to take care of the child, and not to be the husband for his mother. And if she tries to bind a partner to herself through marriage, then most likely this is an attempt to solve some of her own problems. Like, promised — get married. But marrying just for the sake of creating a complete family is a bad idea. It turns out either misfortune, or polite mutual indifference. A happy family can do without marriage. If the father takes care of the child and his mother and always supports them, then this may be enough for the child.
Being a single mother is difficult. You didn’t have to choose, but now you can choose not to be a victim and do your best to make your child happy. And part of that choice is the relationship with his father. You don’t have to love him, but you don’t have to fight him either. After all, you have a child with you. What a score.