In recent days, the Russian-language Internet has been shaken by a major scandal, in the center of which the issue of domestic violence suddenly turned out to be. A question that is usually preferred not to be seen and swept under the rug. What happened?
Presenter Regina Todorenko, together with her husband Vlad Topalov, took part in Peopletalk TV and during the interview made several statements that caused an uproar.
Among other things, she called the victims of domestic violence mentally unstable, condemned the very fact of “taking dirty linen out of the hut”, and also asked the question: “What did you do so that he would not beat you?” and thus transferred all responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim.
Her words had an indelible effect: the next day, Glamor magazine stripped Todorenko of the title of «Woman of the Year», and many public figures openly condemned her behavior. She soon posted an apology, where she wrote that she had no idea how common this problem was, and stated that she was against any violence.
However, the damage has already been done, and Todorenko is likely to be remembered for a long time precisely as a woman who blames other women.
On the one hand, this story is terribly banal and repeats a well-known scheme: a public figure says some stupid meanness, receives an answer from an astonished public, and bitterly repents to the public. Nothing new, this happens with constant regularity. Still, black PR is also PR.
On the other hand, it is this situation that is beautiful in its circularity and meta-ironicity and has illustrative value. What I mean? I’ll explain now.
It doesn’t matter what the rapist does, because he is always behind the scenes — out of the spotlight
So, one woman says: “Women are to blame for domestic violence” and “If he beats you, then you didn’t make sure that he didn’t beat.” What she does? It relays the old patriarchal idea that it is the woman who is responsible for the emotional life of a man and his behavior. That it is she who must emotionally serve and make sure that the man «behaves well.»
This story is as old as the world. Raped? So, the woman provoked, was too openly dressed, teased, but he could not restrain himself. Beaten? So she did something or said something, provoked his anger, and he broke loose.
In all these stories, one thing is common — a woman is responsible for herself and for another. She is all-powerful, and it depends on her whether she will be beaten, sexually abused or humiliated. Such rhetoric completely deprives a man of responsibility for his actions, unties his hands.
It doesn’t matter what the rapist does, because he is always behind the scenes — out of the spotlight that is directed at the woman. No one asks the question: why did you beat her? How could you raise your hand to another person? What were you thinking? Instead, we ask these questions to the victim.
The fact that they often come from women can be easily explained. When you are in charge, it seems that you have control over the situation. That is, speaking about the responsibility of the victim, we seem to be saying: “This will never happen to me, because I will do everything so that he doesn’t beat me, doesn’t rape me and doesn’t offend; I’m in control.»
However, as practice shows, this illusion of omnipotence and control is nothing more than castles in the air.
A woman is always responsible. You can always ask her, you can punish her for her behavior, she should always “be smarter”
But what do we see in the situation with Regina Todorenko? That’s right, we see the same situation with an all-powerful woman and invisible men, only at the meta level. We again have a woman in the arena — who publicly speaks harmful stupidity and turns out to be completely responsible for all the troubles of the world.
It is she, and not, for example, her husband, who during the interview sits next to her and does not object, falls under a hail of public condemnation, loses his rank and suffers damage. And on the one hand, this seems to be correct — an adult public person should be responsible for his words, whether he is a man or a woman. Many argue like this: if we are talking about gender equality, then let’s not relieve women of responsibility for their behavior.
However, why do we almost never see situations where male celebrities are subjected to such ostracism? Why do not they lose their titles, titles and public love of a man who raised his hand against his wife and children? Why do those whom dozens of women have accused of sexual violence remain “given hands”?
Why do we attack Regina so easily, but consider it absolutely normal when public men not only speak out in a “cannibalistic” manner, but also commit real crimes against real women?
The answer is simple. The situation is looped: a woman is always responsible. You can always ask her, you can punish her for her behavior, she should always “be smarter”. A man in the public mind is something like a divine animal, absolutely uncontrollable and not responsible for his actions, but also inviolable. And this state of affairs harms everyone, including the men themselves.
However, there is a light in all this. The very fact that shaming a woman for the violence that was committed against her causes public outcry and indignation is already a sign that the climate is changing in society, changes are taking place for the better. We have already begun to understand that this is not possible. We are already on the way to a more humane, equal society. Although we go there, as usual, on the backs of other women.