My father abused me when I was only 6 years old
By testifying, I hope to give the strength to the victims of incest or pedophilia to speak out or denounce their executioner. Even if, I must admit, it is difficult. My father abused me when I was only 6 years old. In fact, I lived in France with my mother, her partner and my half-sister. The one I now call my father returned to his island of origin when I was only one year old. I was loved but I saw my sister with her father and mother. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t entitled to this. I wanted to know my father better. I had only seen it in photos. I often called for it. After discussion and reflection, my mother sent me to Reunion Island the year of my first grade. I was delighted, but soon after I arrived the nightmare began. My father was quick to abuse me. During this year, I was of course in contact with my mother, but I never dared to tell her what I was going through. Even after returning to France. I returned to Reunion Island during summer vacation, for two months, at the age of 8. Strangely, I did not express any reluctance. My mother couldn’t have suspected anything. I was in a hurry to go see my grandmother, my family… without thinking particularly about what my father had done to me. I even think I was happy to see him again, I was just a child …
My mom found out what happened when I was 9 while reading my diary. Because I precisely described the scenes by quoting “dad”. At first, she thought I was talking about my stepfather. But I told him straight away that it was my real father. She collapsed. She cried for days and days. She felt guilty for sending me there. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, that she just wanted to do the right thing and respect my request. Until this day, I had never let anything show through. I felt at fault. My father made me believe it was normal, but I knew something was wrong. I was lost. When she found out, my mom listened to me a lot. Of course, she got in touch with my father who totally denied it. According to him, I was a vicious one. He even said that I had looked for him! Again, it was my fault …
At the time, my father was living with his parents. There was also my uncle in this large family home, but I don’t think they suspected he was making me endure. One day, I wanted to talk to a cousin about it while I was in Reunion. We were in my room. My father had left a pornographic picture of him with his girlfriend in a book that he forced me to look at. I wanted to show him and tell him everything, but I gave up. I thought to myself that she would think I was a bad girl. My ordeal might have been able to stop at that moment …
My mother supported me a lot but I didn’t really like to confide. I did not want to have psychological follow-up. I didn’t feel able to tell a psychologist everything. Difficult to rebuild after such a thing. We find it hard to talk about it, we cry often, we think about it all the time. When I was little, I had a hard time talking to others, especially men. And my relationship with the male race was difficult. I even pushed the boys away at one time. I said to myself why not the girls… But above all, I did not go out with blacks, even if I was also attracted by them. I was blocking because of my parent. It was also complicated with my companion. He was my first Métis boyfriend. I burst into tears on our first night together. The sight of her sex revived everything I had experienced. Fortunately, he was understanding. He listened to me and knew how to find the words to reassure me by telling me that he would never hurt me. He was there for me and today we have a 3 year old boy. I am a happy mom but I am extremely afraid that this will happen to my son. At the same time, I don’t want to convey my anxieties to him and I try not to overprotect him too much. What is excruciating is that it can come from family, sports teachers …everywhere ! It is certain that at the slightest sign, I would be vigilant, I would immediately be on the alert. I always told him that no one is allowed to touch his private parts, not even mom or dad, that he must warn me if anyone tries to harm him. I prefer prevention than cure. For me, prevention is essential! Besides, I am a childcare assistant, and I think that my job is due to what I suffered when I was little. I have this need to be with the children and to protect them. We are the first in line to discover the signs of mistreatment, sexual abuse. My job has helped me gain self-confidence and open up, because I was very withdrawn into myself before.
This tragedy will always be a part of my life. I built myself like that. Everyone has their secrets and their pains. But, today I am happy. I have my son, a man who loves me, a family present. I cannot say that I despise my father. I think he is a patient who should seek treatment, that he did not realize the impact of his actions. I’m forever marked but I feel like I’ve almost forgiven it. Now I can talk about it without crying. And if I haven’t filed a complaint yet, I’m thinking about it a lot today. A lot of things are going on in my head right now. Everything resurfaces. I still have 11 years to file a lawsuit, until I’m 36. He has already served five years in prison for pedophilia and is now on bail. On the next report, he returns to prison for a very long time. Considering what he did, it deserves some thought. Mainly to show everyone who he is and so he never does it again.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015, an amendment to a bill on child protection was voted by the Social Affairs Committee of the National Assembly in order to include the notion of incest in the Penal Code. Indeed, the current law only specifies sexual assault and relations with minors.