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Impatience makes them irritable, pushes them to rash acts, spoils relationships with other people. Why is it so hard for some of us to pull ourselves together? Fidgets who cannot sit in one place for a second, impatient people who in a restaurant begin to resent slow service before the waiter with a notebook leaves the table …
They are rude and unrestrained, but at the same time they suffer themselves. They are “all the time on their nerves”, they are in a hurry somewhere and are late, they are ready to break loose at any moment, shout, cut off, offend, and then they become ashamed. What makes them behave this way?
distrust of the world
It could be assumed that patience and the ability to wait calmly are not enough for those of us who from childhood are accustomed to the instant fulfillment of our desires. “That’s not true at all,” says clinical psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya. “It is precisely those who are morbidly impatient who have no confidence that their desires will be realized.” The world in general seems to them unstable, dangerous, not favorable to them. They live with the feeling that no one will lend a hand, will not meet halfway, no one will help in trouble.
Such an attitude to the world and to oneself makes a person extremely vulnerable and impatient. “Moreover, he often experiences real fear,” Tatyana Voskresenskaya continues, “he is afraid that, for example, waiting in line will never end or that now he will forever be stuck in a traffic jam. It is difficult for such a person to trust other people, but it is also difficult to rely on himself, because his basic trust in the world has been violated.
This inner conflict arises in very early childhood for those of us whose parents were too anxious, or cold with the baby, or selfish. This attitude forever leaves a mark in the psyche of the child. A wary attitude towards other people can also be the result of upbringing: it arises as an imitation of the behavior of parents and is reinforced by their comments: “it is not known what lies ahead”, “no one but your loved ones will help you”.
“Learning to Accept Uncertainty”
Leonid, 38 years old, commercial director
“I went to college twice and both times I dropped out after a couple of months – I was very bored. Having started working, he started a new business dozens of times, but as soon as it stalled, he lost interest in it. But finding a job was also not easy for me: the situation of uncertainty just drove me crazy. In addition, employers began to increasingly ask why I constantly move from place to place. As a result, I decided to undergo a course of psychotherapy. Now I am learning to “slow down”, to accept the situation as it is, with all its uncertainty. And to benefit from waiting, instead of running away from this feeling every time.
High level of anxiety
Even in prosperous families, with good emotional relations between the child and the mother, situations often arise when the child is afraid to be left alone for a while. Parting even for 15 minutes can scare the baby. “Children have a completely different idea of time,” explains Tatyana Voskresenskaya. – They do not distinguish between “15 minutes” and “forever”, and it is impossible for them to explain this. And instincts say: without a mother, you will die. The excruciating anxiety of expectation, combined with helplessness, is acutely experienced by a child who does not yet speak and does not think (in any case, he does not think in words, his thinking is not yet mediated by speech). And therefore it “gets stuck” especially deeply and is difficult to realize.”
To the one who is near
Living with an impatient person requires a lot of patience. It is cruel to reproach him – he himself suffers from his behavior. It is useless to argue – after all, someone who cannot wait will never agree that the situation is not as critical as it seems to him. Try to stay calm: don’t let yourself be infected by his anxiety. Be firm: do not change plans, even if he requires it. Be punctual: don’t make the impatient wait. Those who live in constant impatience regard slowness as a betrayal.
An adult person does not remember situations when he experienced severe anxiety in anticipation of his mother. If there were many such situations in infancy, expectation anxiety will most likely accompany him all his life. Any significant situation now “presses the start button” of that earliest childhood anxiety, although the person himself, of course, does not know about it. His unconscious need to stop this waiting is what makes him so impatient.
What to do?
listen to your body
One way to let go of impatience is to listen to your body. What is happening to him, how stressed is he? You can intensify this feeling. To do this, gradually tighten all the muscles, including the muscles of the face. Hold your breath and then, along with a long exhalation, allow the muscles to relax. So you relieve physical stress and feel better.
Express your anger
Anger is often hidden behind impatience. Unconscious childish anger at the mother who left the baby. But at the same time, on the one through whose fault we found ourselves in an unpleasant situation. Try to distance yourself from what is happening now, do not weigh all the pros and cons, instead express your anger, let it out. If you’re stuck in traffic, close your windows and say out loud what you think about it. It is important to do this not by the way – as happens when we press the elevator button several times, “so that you come faster” – but clearly aware of what you are doing.
manage time
Impatient people often “forget” that traffic jams are possible on the road, and there may be a queue at the ticket office. Calculate such moments in advance – add “predictable uncertainty” to your plans. And spend some time – from an hour to a week – without a watch on your wrist and a phone in your pocket. After enduring the inevitable initial anxiety, you will discover a world where time does not rush by leaps and bounds, but flows smoothly and unhurriedly.