How to raise an optimistic child

There is no such subject in the school curriculum. As, however, no one teaches optimism at home. “I often ask parents what qualities they seek to develop in their children, and they never once mentioned optimism,” says psychologist and coach Marina Melia. – Why? Probably, this word means naivety, a lack of critical thinking, a tendency to look at the world through rose-colored glasses. In fact, a life-affirming attitude does not cancel a sober perception of reality, but it contributes to resilience to difficulties and a willingness to achieve goals.

“Optimistic thinking is based on self-confidence, the ability to find a solution to every problem, and persevere,” reminds positive psychologist Oleg Sychev. But can parents with a different, pessimistic outlook on life teach this child?

On the one hand, children involuntarily learn our attitude to the world, adopt attitudes, actions, emotions. But on the other hand, “a pessimist who has mastered the principles of positive thinking most likely becomes a “learned optimist”, a more balanced person, resistant to difficulties and constructive,” Oleg Sychev believes. So the chances of creating in a child a positive attitude towards themselves and the world in a psychologically competent parent are great.

1. Respond to his needs

A small child discovers the world. He bravely gets out of the familiar environment, tries, sniffs, touches, takes the first steps. Letting him experiment is important, but not enough. “In order for a child to enjoy independent actions and not lose interest in searches, he needs adult support, a timely response to his needs,” Oleg Sychev notes. “Otherwise, he gets used to expecting the worst, first from close people, and then from the whole world.”

Support his initiatives, listen, answer questions and do not forget to share what makes you happy – introduce him to music, nature, reading, let him do what interests him. Let him grow with the conviction that life is preparing a lot of joy. This is enough to strive for the future.

2. Maintain his belief in success

A child who often faces unsolvable problems accumulates an experience of frustration and helplessness, hopeless thoughts appear: “I still can’t succeed”, “There’s no point in even trying”, “I’m incapable”, etc. What should parents do? Repeat endlessly “You’re done, you can”? “It makes sense to praise and encourage a child when the task is within his power, when he is already close to the result and he just lacks perseverance,” explains Oleg Sychev. “But if the difficulties are related to a lack of knowledge and skills or a lack of understanding of what to change in their actions, it will be more useful not to pat on the back, but to gently suggest what and how to do, to help them master the skills/knowledge that they lack.”

Encourage your child to feel that any problem can be solved on their own (if you put in more effort, find more information, learn a better course of action) or with someone else’s help. Remind him that it is normal to seek support, many tasks can only be solved together and others will be happy to help him and generally do something together – that’s great!

3. Analyze your reactions

Do you notice what you usually say to children in case of their mistakes and mistakes? “Their own perception largely depends on our reactions,” explains Marina Melia. The child stumbled and fell. What will he hear? The first option: “What are you clumsy! All children are like children, and this one will surely collect all the bumps. And the second: “It’s okay, it happens! The road is rough, be careful.”

Or another example: a schoolboy brought a deuce. The first variant of the reaction: “It’s always like this with you. You seem to have no idea at all.” And the second: “Probably you didn’t prepare well. Next time you should pay more attention to solving examples.

“In the first case, we lay the belief that everything always turns out badly for a child and “whatever you do is useless,” the expert explains. – And in the second, we let him know that a bad experience will help him cope with difficulties in the future. Parental positive message: “We know how to fix this, we are not backing down, we are looking for options and we will achieve a good result.”

4. Cultivate the Habit of Perseverance

A common case: a child, having barely encountered failure, quits what he started. How to teach him not to dramatize mistakes? “Ask him what, in his opinion, is the cause of the difficulties,” suggests Oleg Sychev. “Help him discover that it’s not so much about ability, but about the fact that such a task requires more effort, more knowledge and skills that can be acquired if you do not give up and strive for the goal.”

Emphasizing the role of effort and perseverance is especially important. “The main thing is not to give up! If it doesn’t work out now, it will work out later, when you figure it out / learn something you need / find someone who can help you.” It is not so much the achievement of the result that deserves praise, but the effort: “You are great! Worked so hard, learned a lot while solving this problem! And got a well-deserved result!” Praise like this reinforces the idea that perseverance will solve any problem.

“When discussing the causes of problems, avoid negative comparisons with other people,” the psychologist reminds. If you hear from your daughter that she “doesn’t draw as well as Masha,” say that we all differ from each other in capabilities and skills, so there is no point in comparing ourselves with others. The only really important difference that ultimately leads to a result is how much effort and perseverance a person puts into achieving goals.

5. Facilitate his communication in a safe environment

Children who are pessimistic may be somewhat less sociable and more reticent in relationships with others due to their negative expectations and sensitivity to rejection. Sometimes it looks like shyness. “A shy child who experiences communication difficulties can benefit from any experience that reinforces his positive expectations,” says Oleg Sychev.

First of all, parents themselves should avoid negative assessments and more often remember with him his achievements, even modest ones. And besides, it is desirable to plan communication situations in a safe environment where the child is accepted and respected, where he feels competent. This may be communication with younger children or classes in his favorite circle, where he succeeds a lot. In such a comfortable environment, the child is less afraid of criticism and condemnation from others, receives more positive emotions and gets used to looking at the world with interest and hope.