How Not to Shift Responsibility for Your Emotions to Others: 6 Steps

When we find ourselves in a critical situation and cannot figure out what to do, we impulsively begin to alternate the roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer. First, we hope that someone will help us out, then we break down on loved ones with whom we do not agree, then we try to help others … And then we start to panic again. 

Our inner unhappy child is waiting for salvation from the outside, our formidable and egocentric child wants to punish anyone for the slightest infringement on his clear picture of the world, and the rescuer child sacrifices his own interests for the sake of others, not thinking about the consequences. Panic wandering around this triangle drains our emotional resources.

If the emotional inner child is allowed to completely take control of the psyche, then destructive impulses will be impossible to contain. Then the inner adult will be in the position of an observer and will submit to the inner hysteria. In order not to get stuck in the destroying ring of fear, anxiety, pain, anger and apathy, one must notice childish impulses in oneself and stop them.

1. Return from the position of «child» to the position of «adult»

Remember that you are an adult. Your experience, knowledge and competencies have not disappeared anywhere — you still solve complex problems at work, know how to manage your time and budget, and communicate with the same adults and smart people. It is worth concentrating on what is under your control and waiting for the situation to stabilize. Exhale, do some breathing exercises or any mental exercises that help you return to a calm state.

You can imagine yourself as a good but strict parent. When a loving father tells a child not to stick his fingers in a socket, he doesn’t threaten, he stops him. Become such an adult for yourself. You can do this rudely — “Oh, you are so-and-so, how many times you told you, now you will get it from me!”, Or you can strictly, but without humiliation: “Stop, you can’t do this, it’s dangerous. I understand that you want to try, but I can’t let you.”

It is better to save children’s states for a calm and stable time, when there are no «sockets» around. In a crisis situation, you need to mobilize your energy and direct it in a creative direction.

2. Don’t act when emotions overwhelm you.

Don’t make hasty decisions when you’re under a lot of stress. Limit communication to those close circle that you trust. Your experiences are your responsibility. An upset child might fall down, scream and wait to be comforted, but this is not an effective strategy for an adult. Act and communicate with others only if your emotional state is above zero.

3. Don’t teach others how to live

Remember that other people did not come into this world to meet your expectations. Behind their behavior and emotional reactions are personal stories and traumas. Learn acceptance and kindness. If someone’s behavior terrifies you, step back. Do not try to instruct other people on the true path, especially if they did not ask you about it. The only person you can really influence is yourself.

4. Protect relationships with loved ones

If a loved one does not share your position, this does not mean that he is opposed to you. We are all complex, contradictory and multi-layered. Don’t narrow down a person’s personality to one thought, attitude, or emotion, don’t discount all the good things that connect you. 

Elderly parents should be treated with special care. Now many are arguing with them, trying to open their eyes to what is happening — this is a childish and impulsive impulse. Take care of their emotional and mental state, even if it means coming to terms with their delusions. Would you argue and persistently prove to a child that Santa Claus does not exist?

5. Think about what you are broadcasting to others

Each of us is responsible for the words that he says to others and the emotions that he broadcasts. Answer honestly to yourself the question: “How will my interlocutor feel if I say or do what I was going to?” Maybe it’s not easy for the other person right now, and he won’t be able to cope with the amount of negativity that you would like to throw out. Share warmth, support and love, not anxiety, anger and resentment.

6. Be mindful of what is in your control

When we try to generalize the situation and use abstract phrases like “the whole country thinks like this”, “all normal people feel like this”, in fact we are talking only about ourselves and our feelings. It is much easier for the psyche to project unpleasant emotions outward than to focus on personal responsibility for one’s life, successes and failures. 

The next time you feel like criticizing someone, try to find something good in that person. And learn to transform negative energy into constructive actions.

3 books on the topic:

• Vladislav Chubarov “Dive into yourself. How to understand why we think one thing, feel another, and act as always.

• Imi Lo «I’m over it! How to live with emotional sensitivity

• Ilse Sand Compass of emotions. How to deal with your feelings