Harassment at school: give it the keys to defend itself

How to deal with bullying in kindergarten?

Mockery, isolation, scratches, jostling, hair pulling … the phenomenon of bullying is not new, but it is growing and worries more and more parents and teachers. Even kindergarten is not spared, and as the therapist Emmanuelle Piquet underlines: “Without going so far as to talk about children harassed at that age, we see that it is often the same who are pushed, prick their toys, put on the ground, pull the hair, even bite. In short, there are some toddlers who sometimes have relationship concerns frequent. And if they are not helped, it may happen again in elementary or college. “

Why is my child being bullied?

Contrary to popular belief, it can happen to any child, there is no typical profile, no pre-designated victim. Stigma is not linked to physical criteria, but rather to a certain vulnerability. The other children quickly see that they can exercise their power over this one.

How to recognize school bullying?

Unlike older children, toddlers easily confide in their parents. When they come home from school, they tell about their day. Does yours tell you we’re bothering him at recess?Don’t sidestep the problem by telling him it’s okay, that he’ll see more, that he’s not sugar, that he’s big enough to fend for himself. A child that others annoy is weakened. Listen to him, show him that you are interested in him and that you are ready to help him if he needs you. If he finds that you are minimizing his problem, he may not tell you anything more, even if the situation gets worse for him. Ask for details to get a clear idea of ​​what is going on: Who bugged you? How did it start? What did we do to you? And you ? Maybe your child went on the offensive first? Maybe it’s a ad hoc quarrel linked to a specific incident?

Kindergarten: the playground, a place of disputes

The kindergarten playground is a let off steam where toddlers must learn not to be stepped on. Arguments, fights and physical confrontations are inevitable and useful, because they allow each child to find his place in the group, to learn to respect others and to be respected outside the home. Provided of course that it is not always the biggest and strongest who dominate and the smallest and sensitive who suffer. If your child complains for several days in a row that he has been brutalized, if he tells you that no one wants to play with him, if he changes his character, if he is reluctant to go to school, be extremely vigilant. ‘imposed. And if the teacher confirms that your treasure is a bit isolated, that it doesn’t have a lot of friends and that it has trouble bonding and playing with other children, you are no longer facing a difficulty. , but to a problem that will have to be solved.

School bullying: avoid overprotecting it

Obviously, the first instinct of parents wanting to do well is to come to the aid of their child in difficulty. They go argue with the naughty boy who throws the ball in the head of their cherub, await the mean girl who pulls the beautiful hair of their princess at the exit of the school to lecture her. This will not prevent the culprits from starting over the next day. In the process, they also attack the parents of the aggressor who take him badly and refuse to admit that their little angel is violent. In short, by intervening to solve the problem for the child, instead of fixing things, they take the risk of make them worse and to perpetuate the situation. According to Emmanuelle Piquet: “By designating the aggressor, they make their own child a victim. It is as if they were saying to the violent child: “Go ahead, you can continue to steal his toys when we are not there, he does not know how to defend himself! “The assaulted child resumes his victim status on his own.” Go ahead, keep pushing me, I can’t defend myself alone! “

Report to the mistress? Not necessarily the best idea!

The second frequent reflex of protective parents is to advise the child to immediately complain to an adult: “As soon as a child bothers you, you run to tell the teacher!” “Here again, this attitude has a negative impact, specifies the shrink:” It gives the weakened child an identity of reporter, and everyone knows that this label is very bad for social relations! Those who report to the teacher are frowned upon, anyone who deviates from this rule considerably loses his “popularity” and this, well before CM1. “

Harassment: do not rush directly to the teacher

The third usual reaction of parents, persuaded to act in the best interests of their abused child, is to report the problem to the teacher: “Some kids are violent and not nice to my little one in class and / or at recess. . He is shy and does not dare to react. Watch what’s going on. »Of course the teacher will intervene, but suddenly, she will also confirm the label of” little fragile thing which does not know how to defend itself alone and which complains all the time “in the eyes of the other pupils. It even happens that the repeated complaints and solicitations annoy her tremendously and that she ends up saying: “Stop always complaining, take care of yourself!” And even if the situation calms down for a while because the aggressive children have been punished and fear another punishment, the attacks often resume as soon as the teacher’s attention wanes.

How to help a child victim of bullying at school?

Fortunately, for the little ones who are annoying others, the right attitude to permanently solve the problem exists. As Emmanuelle Piquet explains: “ Contrary to what many parents think, if you avoid stressing your chicks, you make them even more vulnerable. The more we protect them, the less we protect them! We must put ourselves at their side, but not between them and the world, help them defend themselves, to get rid of their victim posture once and for all! The codes of the playground are clear, the problems are first resolved between children and those who no longer want to be bothered must impose themselves and say stop. For that, he needs a tool to parry the aggressor. Emmanuelle Piquet advises parents to build “a verbal arrow” with their child, a sentence, a gesture, an attitude, which will help him to regain control of the situation and to come out of the position of “curled up / plaintive”. The rule is to use what the other is doing, to change your posture to surprise him. This is why this technique is called “verbal judo”.

Harassment: the example of Gabriel

The case of the very chubby Gabriel (3 and a half years old) is a perfect example. Salome, her friend from the nursery, could not help but pinch her beautiful round cheeks very hard. The childminders explained to her that it was wrong, that she was hurting her, they punished her. At home, Salomé’s parents also scolded her for her aggressive behavior towards Gabriel. Nothing helped and the team even considered changing her nursery. The solution could not come from Salomé, but from Gabriel himself, it was he who had to change his attitude! Before she even pinched him, he was getting scared, and then he was crying. We put the market in his hands: “Gabriel, either you remain a marshmallow that gets pinched, or you turn into a tiger and you roar loudly!” He chose the tiger, he roared instead of whining when Salome threw herself on him, and she was so surprised that she stopped dead. She understood that she is not all-powerful and has never pinched Gabriel the Tiger again.

In cases of harassment, the abused child must be helped to reverse roles by creating a risk. As long as the abusive child is not afraid of the abused child, the situation does not change.

The testimony of Diane, mother of Melvil (4 and a half years old)

“At first, Melvil was happy with his return to school. He is in a double section, he was part of the means and was proud to be with the grown-ups. Over the days, his enthusiasm has waned markedly. I found him extinct, much less happy. He ended up telling me that the other boys in his class didn’t want to play with him at recess. I questioned his mistress who confirmed to me that he was a little isolated and that he often came to take refuge with her, because the others annoyed him! My blood has only turned. I spoke to Thomas, his father, who told me that he too had been harassed when he was in fourth grade, that he had become the short-suffering of a bunch of tough kids who called him Tomato in laughing at him and that his mother had changed his school! He had never told me about it and that pissed me off because I was counting on his father to teach Melvil how to defend himself. So, I suggested that Melvil take combat sports lessons. He immediately agreed because he was tired of being pushed around and called minuses. He tested judo and he liked it. It was a friend who gave me this good advice. Melvil quickly gained confidence and although he has a shrimp build, judo has given him confidence in his ability to defend himself. The teacher taught him to face his possible attacker, well anchored on his legs, to look him straight in the eye. He taught her that you don’t have to punch to get the upper hand, that it is enough for others to feel that you are not afraid. In addition, he made some new very nice friends that he invites to come and play at home after class. It got him out of his isolation. Today, Melvil goes back to school with pleasure, he feels good about himself, he is no longer fussed and plays with others at recess. And when he sees that the grown-ups drop a little one or pull his hair, he intervenes because he cannot stand violence. I am very proud of my big boy! ”