I have to admit, I’m ambivalent about working with couples. This work sometimes takes more energy than a group or a one-day seminar. On the other hand, it is often paired sessions that are the most interesting and memorable. And I seem to know the reason for my conflicting feelings.
That reason is communication. Trying to understand what the partners want to say to each other is like Theseus wandering through the labyrinth, only no one will give you a clue.
Not only to us humans, but also to animals living in packs, it is extremely important to correctly understand each other’s signals. But people, like no one else, have learned to manipulate information. This is especially true for married couples.
Once I heard such a dialogue in a cafe.
— You yourself said that this year we are going to rest in …
— I didn’t say that! You’re always trying to prove to me that I said something.
Husband (with a knowing smile):
I’m trying to explain to you what you want.
You don’t know what I want! You don’t listen at all when I try to explain!
“You just don’t understand what you want,” the smile becomes more and more understanding. — I can see it from the side. I just want you to realize that this is what you want.
This kind of dialogue happens all the time with the couples I work with; usually these are couples in which one of the partners suffers from an anxiety disorder or depression. Couples therapist Kurt Hahlweg has developed a wonderful questionnaire that allows you to determine the status of relationships and their prospects.
There are three scales in the questionnaire: «Tenderness», «Communication» and «Quarrels». And here’s what’s interesting. High scores on the “Quarrel” scale do not necessarily lead to the breakup of a couple. But low scores on the “Communication” scale (which means that partners do not understand each other well or do not discuss their problems) is a statistically accurate sign of a possible divorce. American psychologists Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury (Benjamin Karney, Thomas Bradbury) studied the factors of satisfaction with relationships and found that mutual understanding by a wide margin overtakes such seemingly important factors as sexual satisfaction and similar values.1.
High scores on the Quarrel scale do not necessarily lead to the breakup of a couple.
What is the use of this knowledge for the couple? We enter into relationships with different backgrounds and perspectives on family life. We differently imagine the roles of men and women, the responsibilities of family members, interpersonal boundaries. You can endlessly appeal to past experience and constancy of character — “it is customary in our family”, “I will never change”, “what is there to talk about at all, we are just different”. And you can learn to speak. Express your emotions and talk about what caused them. Listen to your partner and respond to their expression of feelings. Couples with difficult relationships often need special training to develop these skills. But if we learn to communicate, we can discuss any differences in character. Well, almost any…
1 H. Williamson et al. «Communication behavior and relationship satisfaction among American and Chinese newlywed couples», Journal of Family Psychology, June 2012.