Grandparents are important!

Grandparents and grandchildren: a unique relationship

“When I was on vacation at Mamina’s, every night before going to sleep, she brushed my hair and made me pigtails. She placed a dab of her night cream in the palm of my hands. This delicious scent of rose on my fingers, I still have it in my nostrils, it’s my Proust madeleine to me. », Testifies Alexandra. At the time, this XNUMX-year-old mother did not know that she would remember all her life these special moments shared with her grandmother. Whether they are called Mamie, Papy, Mamounette, Grandpa, Granny, Nono or simply by their first name, grandparents are essential figures of childhood, pillars of the family. As the psychoanalyst Catherine Bergeret-Amselek underlines: “They bring emotional security to children, they give the impression of protecting them as a bulwark on which to lean. Through their experience and what they pass on to us, they are life scouts. “ Indeed, toddlers are reassured to note that there have been around them since their birth caring, reliable people who appreciate them and take care of them, apart from their parents.

Apart from this role of reassuring pillars, the grandparents also have a mission to tell how it was before. Thus, Theo, 5 years old, asks dozens of questions to his grandfather when he spends Wednesdays with him: “Were there cars and planes when you were young? Did you go to war? What about dinosaurs, did they already exist when you were little? And if there’s one thing little ones love, it’s listening to their grandparents recount in detail everything their own parents used to do when they were little. Their memorable silly things, their cult phrases, their character, their tastes, their preferences and what they didn’t like… They never tire of flipping through family photo albums together and listening to the crisp anecdotes. Passing on family history also involves traditions, rituals, regional specialties learned from generation to generation, flavors that speak of the roots, of the origin of the family. Thus, Alice, 4, annoys her mother prodigiously: “She accepts to eat vegetables only when it is her grandma who prepares them. Green beans, cauliflower, ratatouille, lentils, Alice “loves” that! She says they don’t taste the same as mine, even when I apply my mom’s recipes to the letter! “

Grandparents: their availability, a tremendous asset

Based on their experience, grandparents also have the advantage of living in another time, of being freed from the stress that working parents undergo on a daily basis. Not having their grandchildren every day and not being in a hurry, they are more available and more patient in teaching them everyday skills.like tying the laces on your shoes or buttoning your coat. Jean-Michel, Margot and Paul’s grandfather, spends very relaxed Wednesdays: “With me, the little ones have the right to take their time, to go at their own pace. I decided to devote my day to them, I don’t make any other appointments, we go for long walks in the forest with the dog, we have lunch when we want, we watch cartoons, we take good snacks, they rest. I have no concern for “profitability”, no educational responsibilities, no constraints. So I hardly ever get angry. In fact, I’m much cooler as a grandfather than a father! ” Less in performance, less demanding, more relaxed, many grandparents are able to take the time to play, unlike overbooked parents. They are often the ones who introduce their grandchildren to traditional board games. – Little Horses, Goose Game (you only need to know how to count to six), the Seven Families. They gladly come out of cupboards, puzzles, classic construction games (Lego, Meccano, Duplo, Kapla), cubes, fitting games, soccer balls, bowling games that made the generation happy. former. Those who don’t like to play are no less good grandparents. What matters is the time sharing, the quality of presence, the personal way in which they will promote the activities they enjoy. Lorenzo, 5, is having a good time with his Dad in the DIY workshop, they plan to build a cabin next summer when he comes during the holidays. Mathilde, 4, gardens with Mamounette. She knows how to recognize and pull weeds, water salads and pick strawberries without crushing them! 6-year-old Astrid doesn’t get bored watching her grandmother sew and knit, especially since she gave her a ball of yarn and big needles to make a scarf for her doll. Basile, 4, puts on his boots and happily follows his grandfather, a fishing fan on foot, to fetch shrimps and collect cockles.

If adults pass on their knowledge to toddlers, the converse is also true. Marion, 6, showed her Grandpa and her Grandma how the tablet they received at Christmas works, and how to find free and cool little games on their smartphone. They couldn’t believe that she was already so versed in new technologies!

Grandparents know how to let go of the ballast!

Knowing how to rediscover the desire to play is not their only asset. Less invested, less worried, grandparents are less united than parents and know how to let go of the ballast. As the popular language says “they have seen others!”. They more readily let the curious little ones explore their environment and set off to discover the world, without being glued to their basques by shouting: “Be careful, come down, you are going to hurt yourself!” Don’t run so fast, you’ll fall! Don’t jump in puddles, you’ll get dirty and catch a cold! “Marianne, Lola’s happy grandmother, 4, still remembers her granddaughter’s visits:” My daughter is anxious and she was raising her child in cotton. Lola had never run barefoot in the grass, never climbed a low wall, never stroked a horse’s nose, never jumped on a bed. I never let her take a risk or put herself in danger, I always watched her out of the corner of my eye, but in my house she discovered freedom of movement. ” Another appreciable characteristic of grandparents is their ability to arouse confidence and smooth things over. Sylvie, for example, knows all the secrets of her three grandchildren: “They confide in me their little worries with their parents who are too severe, too demanding, too nervous. I listen, I console, I put oil in the cogs. I do not criticize my son or my daughter-in-law, I do not question their way of educating their little family. I explain to them that their parents get angry because they are stressed at work, that they love them, that they put pressure for their own good and not to annoy them! “

Grandparents who compete with their children

We must not idealize either, grandparents are not perfect beings, far from it. If most grannies and grandpas know how to stay in their place, some try to compete, to show that they are better educators. Instead of respecting parental choices, they impose their own rules and slash legitimate authority. Faced with such behavior, it is necessary to put things right before entrusting them with your baby. As the psychoanalyst underlines: “Even if it is not always easy to stay in one’s place, even if one does not agree with the educational principles applied, thehe golden rule that grandparents must follow is never to blame parents in front of their grandchild. On the contrary, it is essential to value them in their status as parents, to encourage and consolidate them: “You are a good mother, but don’t you think that you could also do like this or that. Try it, you’ll see what it looks like! “ The personality of grandparents, their character, their flaws can also stand in the way of a good relationship with their grandchildren. Diane, for example, saw the stress of her childhood rise in her, when it was a question of giving to look after her little 3-year-old Lucie to her parents to go away for the weekend: “I had an erased mother. and a bossy, bawling father, they said he “had a quick hand” and he scared me when I was little. It was out of the question for my daughter to relive the same thing as me. I was very clear with my mother, not a cry, not an aggressive gesture towards Lucie at the weekend, otherwise, I will not entrust my daughter to them. My dad got the 5 out of 5 message, and everything went well. ” According to Catherine Bergeret-Amselek: “When a parent has difficulty entrusting his child to his parents or in-laws, it is necessary to assess whether his concerns are founded or whether they are fantasies, separation anxiety, an Oedipal rivalry that makes us paranoid. Sometimes, it is by going to speak to a shrink that we will see more clearly on the matter. It is not good to settle old personal scores by depriving your parents of their grandchildren. It is also regrettable to involve them in his relationship problems. This is what happened to François, father of 4-year-old Jules: “My wife found my mother to be useless with our baby, I defended her, I did not see why my mother would not have been a good grandmother. ! When she left Jules to him, she wrote up a list of fifty recommendations to follow, it was ridiculous. We argued all the time about it. I recognize that our culture is different from that of my wife, that our traditions, our customs, our way of seeing life and treating babies are different, but it is a richness for a child. ”

Not easy to be cool and recognized grandparents, says the psychoanalyst : “If we’re a better grandfather than we were a father, a better grandmother than a mother, we are entitled to thoughts like ‘Too bad you weren’t as cool and attentive to me as you were. are with your grandchildren! “If you don’t feel like you’re a grandma or grandpa and you keep your distance, you have the right to” You don’t take care of your grandchildren. You only think about yourself, you don’t recognize me as a parent, in fact you didn’t want me to have children! »The important thing is not to deprive the little ones of their grandparents who are eager to share good times with their“ chicoufs ”, this word coined by the grandparents which means:“ Chic , they arrive, phew they leave! ”.