Contents
Gaslighting, the form of abuse that makes you believe that you live another reality
Psychology
Gaslighting or making “gas light” on a person is a form of psychological abuse that consists of manipulating the perception of the reality of the other
If they tell us “what are you talking about?”, “Don’t do drama” or “why are you always on the defensive?” sporadically, it is not necessary to pay too much attention to it, but when these and other phrases are repeated in our dialogue with people around us, we should begin to activate all the alarms because most likely we are being victims of that effect.
This term has its origin in a play of the same name in 1938 and the subsequent American film in 1944. In them, a man manipulates objects from his house and memories to make his wife believe that she is crazy and keep her fortune. Now, this word has come to our day to day to identify toxic people.
Gaslighting, also called “Gas light”, is a form of psychological abuse that consists of manipulate the perception of the reality of the other. Laura Fuster Sebastián, a clinical psychologist in Valencia, explains that the person who abuses psychologically consciously or unconsciously manipulates his victim so that he doubts his own judgment: «This person, through strategies such as denying something that happened, sows doubt in the victim, who no longer knows what to believe and this brings anxiety, anguish, confusion, etc. ».
Signs that show that I suffer from gaslighting
To detect if you are suffering from “gas light” you must know the process and evolution of this phenomenon, pay attention to each of the conversations that are had in order to then be able to differentiate the three stages that could occur: idealization, devaluation and discarding.
Laura Fuster Sebastián explains that in the idealization stage, the victim loves the person who makes “gas light”, as she projects an image of herself as the perfect partner: “It usually occurs in pairs, so the victim it can fall in love with the abuser, although it can also happen in friendships, coworkers, etc., with whom we connect a lot from the beginning and we do not see any defect in them ».
La devaluation stage It is when the victim goes from being “adored” to being unable to do something right, but after having tested the ideal, she is desperate to fix things.
Discard stage: here the problems begin and the abuser no longer worries about fixing the situation, at best he tries to compensate with some positive moment. That is, they can be people with a tendency to chain relationships.
And, while living these situations, how does the abused react to these situations?
To feel down: «This whole situation will make you feel sad, inferior and insecure. You will wonder if you are too sensitive and you will blame yourself for not knowing how to enjoy life, remembering better times “, says the psychologist.
Excess of justifications. You will spend your time justifying yourself or, perhaps, you will gather the courage to talk about the conflict, even knowing that it will end in an argument. “This situation will turn around and you will end up thinking that they are your imaginations, that it was not so bad, or that you should even apologize.”
Few social relationships. As we have commented previously, you may have a negative view of your circle of friends or even that they have turned against you for not having moved away, so most likely you will interact with fewer people every time …
How to get out of here
Sometimes we think that breaking up with a person who treats us badly is easy, but in most cases the opposite happens. According to the expert in psychology, victims who have been given “gas light” no longer know what the criteria or reality is. Therefore, this type of emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect for the person who suffers it and for their environment than physical abuse.
«The first thing we must do is detect the aforementioned signals and recognize that we have a problem. In these cases, communication as a couple is very diminished, but it is one of the keys to solving the problem ”, says Laura Fuster Sebastián, and encourages people to start communicating freely, say what they think and not feel guilty about it. : “It is the responsibility of both to fix the situation, therefore, do not justify yourself excessively and do not apologize.”
Another point to take into account is that of reinforce feelings. “Nobody can tell you what emotions you should have in certain situations, and you should not apologize for being sad or sensitive.”
Regaining social relationships and asking for help will help you feel better, increase your self-esteem and see things from another point of view. «Do not hesitate to ask for help and express what you feel around you. If necessary, a psychologist can help you to know if what is happening to you is gaslighting and to put a solution to it », concludes the expert.
What language is used
The language the abuser uses can give you a clue that he is giving you a “gaslight.” Laura Fuster Sebastián (@laurafusterpsicologa) states what may be some of the most frequent phrases:
“You react too much to things.”
“Need help”.
“I didnot do that”.
“You’re getting mad about nothing.”
“You have confusion again.”
“Calm down for once.”
Don’t do dramas.
“I have never said that”.
Why are you always on the defensive?
“What are you talking about?”.
“It’s your fault”.
“You are very sensitive.”
“You turn things around.”
“Stop imagining things.”
“I was just kidding”.
“Your memory is wrong.”
“It’s always the same with you.”
Personality
As Laura Fuster Sebastián says, a person who emotionally abuses another will have, more or less, the following characteristics:
Will lie to you constantly. And not only that, he will say it so sure that in the end you will doubt the reality you have seen and you will end up believing it.
Will deny everything. It does not matter if you have heard it, that you repeat it actively and passively, and that you know with total certainty that they have said something because, according to the psychologist, “these people deny reality even though you have evidence.” They will repeat it to you so much that you will end up accepting their opinion as long as you do not follow.
It will give you “one of lime and one of sand”. Throughout the day they will beat you up telling you that you are exaggerating or crazy, but then they will use positive reinforcement to compensate, even in the same conversation.
Will make you share their insecurities. If he or she feels inferior, it will make you feel the same to feel better. If it can make you feel small, you’ll have a harder time getting out of the toxic loop.
They know how to manipulate. And not only you, they can lie to your environment to turn them against you … “They can also make you have a negative view of your loved ones so that you do not trust them, do not tell them what the problem is and isolate yourself completely”, comments the expert.