Openness in relationships leads to closeness, closeness strengthens the union. But do we always correctly assess how open and honest a partner is with us, and is it worth unconditionally trusting our own assessment in this? Cognitive psychologist David Lunden analyzes a recent study that sheds light on this question.
In recent years, scientists have been particularly interested in such an aspect of the relationship of close partners as authenticity. This concept means the willingness to be open, honest and frank with a loved one. As life experience shows and scientific research confirms, for a happy relationship it is important to be with a partner yourself, real.
Drawing on recent research, cognitive psychologist David Lunden explores the topic of openness in close relationships. How accurate is the perception of each other in pairs? Can people say with certainty when a partner is open with them, and when he does not tell the truth or is deceiving?
Psychologists Robert Wickham and Melissa Bond of the University of Palo Alto published a study on two dimensions of relationship authenticity. In theory, it is these aspects of intimacy that must be adequately perceived by partners in order for the relationship to develop in the right direction.
Relationships based on lies doom both to suffering. But even in strong marriages, spouses sometimes have to hide something.
The first aspect is labeled as accepting the risks of intimacy and is related to our willingness to open up, share thoughts and feelings with a partner. This, of course, brings together, but risks are inevitable. For example, if a partner is not sensitive enough or dismissive about what we share, this can hurt or damage self-esteem, worsen the relationship as a whole.
The second aspect — the inadmissibility of deception — implies an unwillingness to deceive a partner or mislead him. Relationships based on lies doom both to suffering. But even in strong marriages, spouses are sometimes forced to hide something — because of a sense of shame or unwillingness to scare, hurt or anger a loved one. However, sometimes everyone has to reveal the truth and accept the situation as it is.
projection power
Wickham and Bond asked 107 heterosexual couples to complete questionnaires. To begin with, each participant assessed their willingness to take risks to be open and unwillingness to deceive, then assessed their partner from the same point of view. After that, psychologists processed the data using the analytical method «Truth and bias». This statistical technique measures the accuracy and bias in people’s perceptions. The system compares the marks given by a person to himself and his partner with the marks given by his partner.
It is projections that make people blind, unable to see and distinguish the unique and important features of a partner.
On the one hand, the perception in a couple is considered accurate when the assessment made by the partner coincides with our own. On the other hand, if we evaluate a partner in much the same way as ourselves, it is likely that this is a projection.
“You can assign to another person the same thoughts, feelings, and motivations as you,” explains David Ludden. — This is a property of human nature, and to a certain extent it helps to interact with others. But it is projections that make people blind, unable to see and distinguish the unique and important features of a partner.
So do we know who’s next?
After analyzing the information received, psychologists came to a number of interesting conclusions.
- In general, people tend to accurately assess the risks of intimacy that their partners take. If a loved one is closed and rarely shares with us what is on his mind, it is clear to us that he is not ready to take risks. If, on the contrary, he is open and talks about his feelings and experiences, he has a high willingness to take risks, and it is not difficult for us to understand and appreciate this.
- With the inadmissibility of deception, the story is different. We have to decide whether to trust a partner. He may be lying to us, but we believe his words. Or, on the contrary, we doubt, having heard the truth. Moreover, we may never know that we have been deceived. Therefore, it is not surprising that the perception of whether it is acceptable for a partner to cheat in a relationship is more often based on projections than on accurate assessments. If we ourselves are open and honest with our spouse, we tend to believe that this is mutual. If we are ready to deceive, then we expect deception from a loved one.
- Projections do not always lead to misperceptions. The fact is that we tend to find partners with similar worldviews and character traits.
- People usually evaluate the unpreparedness of partners for deception, based on their own beliefs. Participants in the experiment were willing to rate their partner worse than themselves. That is, honest people assumed that their spouse was also honest with them, but still a little less than themselves. The researchers called this «projection skepticism,» a very common sense approach to assessing a partner’s honesty.
From the results of the study, David Lunden concludes: “All this data does not tell you what to change in your behavior to make relationships happier. They help to soberly understand that our ability to deeply know a partner is very limited. In particular, we need to be on the lookout for cases where conclusions about a loved one are based on our projections and feelings rather than on clear perception.”
About the Author: David Ludden is a cognitive psychologist and author of The Psychology of Language: A Comprehensive Approach.