“Don’t let what you can’t do influence what you can do”

“Don’t let what you can’t do influence what you can do”

personal development

The psychologist Fabián Villena, trainer in «intelligent positive attitude» and creator of the Institute of Positive Attitudes, explains how to practice «active acceptance» in the context of uncertainty caused by the pandemic

One of the lessons that most helped the psychologist Fabián Villena throughout his career is the one that he collects in the phrase: “Life is not fair or unfair, life is.” That is why this expert in “intelligent positive attitude” argues that, although we all have expectations about how the world should be, how others should behave or even how we should be ourselves, it is more sensible and efficient to “understand and accept rules of the game »to fight with them.

But this does not imply, as he clarifies, that you have to fold your arms and do nothing because that would mean confusing the «acceptance” with the “resignation». What is necessary in this context is to practice “Active acceptance”, that is to say, to understand what the rules of the game are like and to differentiate which variables are in our «area of ​​influence».

The pandemic has forced us to change our way of living, working and even feeling, what are the main obstacles on a psychological level?

One of the aspects that affects us the most is feeling vulnerable because the situation is uncontrollable. It is important to focus on aspects that do depend on us and can help us improve our situation. My recommendation is to ask yourself the question: “What can I do to make my life and that of the people around me better?” Reflecting on this question will help focus attention in your “zone of influence” you no longer perceive the situation as uncontrollable.

Is it more difficult for us in this context of uncertainty to accept reality?

It is logical that this is the case. Changes are not usually pleasant to our minds, especially if they are not chosen and also have many negative aspects. Our mind mainly seeks the supervivencia. And to achieve this, its main objective is to save energy. Situations of uncertainty force us to be on alert, to make decisions, to modify our plans in an agile way … and to other actions that consume a lot of energy. Probably the first step is to manage our expectations and accept that we live in a VUCA environment (volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous). The key is to be prepared for the worst case scenario and train for the best to happen.

What is the “active acceptance” that you defend in your approaches?

From my point of view, life is as if it were a game that has its own rules, such as the game of Monopoly. If you tried to play Monopoly with the rules of Parcheesi, what do you think would happen? It would be a disaster. Something similar happens in life. We have expectations that often do not match reality. “Active acceptance” is observing, understanding and accepting what the rules of the “game of life” are and instead of fighting against these rules it is about play our cards as well as possible respecting these rules. I would summarize it with one of my favorite phrases, which is by Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

Why is acceptance often confused with resignation?

La resignation it basically consists of a generalization. When we try to change something that does not depend on us, we feel frustrated. But worst of all, instead of mentally saying to ourselves, “I can’t do this specifically,” we actually say to ourselves, “I can’t do anything.” This way we feel frustrated, powerless y overcome by the situation and that’s when we lower our arms. The key would be to accept that there are certain things we cannot do without forgetting that there are many others that can, as reflected in this phrase: “Don’t let what you cannot do influence what you can do.”

How can we identify what blocks us or prevents us from taking action?

Looking at the results. If in some area of ​​your life you are not getting the results you want, ask yourself this question: “What issues am I afraid of in that area?” Normally it is our fears that block us the most, but fear is not necessarily bad. You have to know how to filter them because most of them are maladaptive and disproportionate. To know which fears should you take into account and which ones should notYou might ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me?” and “How likely is that to happen?” If the worst thing that can happen to you is something objectively very bad and also very likely, it is a fear that you should take into account. But in most cases, the worst that can happen to us is little bad and often also unlikely, so fear can be diluted by asking ourselves these questions.

Words matter… How should we speak to ourselves and how should we speak to others in order to practice that active acceptance? Should we banish some words or expressions from our vocabulary?

I suggest that we speak to each other with the same affection with which we would speak to the person we love the most in life, because speaking disparagingly or being excessively demanding of ourselves is useless and does not help anyone. Spanking yourself verbally will only make you weaker and of less value to yourself and others.

As for the words that I would advise to remove from our vocabulary, I suggest starting by replacing the word “guilt” with “responsibility“Because the word” guilt “is like a bucket of manure that, even if you throw it on someone else, it won’t do any good. Instead, the word “responsibility” comes from “ability to respond”, so that when each one assumes their share of responsibility is when they can advance on any issue.

How can it be observed without judging (neither ourselves nor others) and to what extent does it help us to be better?

We often pretend to be the “Director General of the Universe” by saying how the world has to be and how others have to be. We act as judges and we fight with everything that does not match our expectations. But there is something much wiser and more efficient and it is to resign from the position of “Director General of the Universe” to stop “judging” and begin to “observe” how the world works, others and even oneself. To achieve this, you can apply a simple technique called “Look how curious!”, Which consists of positioning yourself in the role of a boy or girl who, instead of judging, tries to see and find out what happens from observation and curiosity.

What signs indicate that we are not happy at work?

There are many indicators, including the productivity, since studies indicate that happy people are 31% more productive. But I would even point out an even simpler indicator and that is to analyze if you want to go to work or it is a great effort.

Where do we start to change that perception?

To change that perception I suggest two simple exercises. The first would be to be grateful with our work. For this you can make a list with 20 reasons or reasons to be. The second exercise is to write “Why” do you do your job. If the first thing you think is that you do it to earn money, you must also define “why” you want that money: give your children the education you want, take the dream trip, practice your hobby that you are so passionate about, and so on. What helps the most is giving meaning to what you do or even thinking about what you can do with your work to make other people’s lives better.