Admit it, it’s scary to be the first to confess your love. Even “I like you” is scary to say first. Suddenly this is not mutual, you seem funny or intrusive? Still, sometimes it’s better to take risks. Why? Marcia Naomi Berger, family therapist, explains.
I often see that clients are hesitant to show partners their true feelings, desires and needs. But if we hide our «I», we will not be able to build the relationship we would like. When we are not understood, our needs cannot be met. Likewise, we do not know what is going on in the soul of a partner. The result is discontent and disappointment.
Elizabeth came to me because she wants to get married, start a family. She is an energetic, successful businesswoman who has built her own software development company. But he does not understand how to build a personal life.
Men show interest, she goes on dates. But it often turns out that the man who attracts her and with whom she talked a lot sees her as a friend.
“After several meetings, Bill said that he liked me. But how to understand what exactly he meant? Elizabeth is perplexed.
Why not ask him directly? I suggested.
— I can not. I don’t know what to say.” Elizabeth was shocked by my suggestion.
She could say something like “Thank you. Nice to hear. But I wonder if you mean platonically or…?”
She does not want to take risks because she is afraid that he will destroy her fantasies.
It doesn’t matter how she phrases the question, either way she will be in a vulnerable position because the answer may be disappointing. She hopes for a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. A question to Bill will help you understand whether it is worth counting on mutual interest and continuing communication. In this way, she will also show that she can open up and be sincere with him and is ready for the same on his part.
However, Elizabeth wasn’t used to the fact that sometimes it’s okay to be so direct. She says she doesn’t want to corner Bill. But perhaps she herself does not want to take risks, because she is afraid that he will destroy her romantic fantasies.
While she does not know how he treats her, she can continue to console herself with hopes that he will become “the one” for her.
Is it worth the risk?
Being vulnerable means not hiding your feelings, thoughts and desires. It’s risky. If Bill answers that Elizabeth is his friend, client, or business partner, she will feel rejected and disappointed.
But such a vulnerability with Bill would be useful. If he says he wants to date her, Elizabeth can get to know him better and see how things unfold. If Bill only sees her as a friend, she may start looking for someone else who wants a serious relationship.
Relinquish control
In order not to feel vulnerable, Elizabeth does not allow men to pay for her on dates. She seems to be protecting herself. After all, many men are allegedly convinced that if they pay for dinner in a restaurant, they have the right to expect continuation and intimacy. By refusing the treat, Elizabeth tries to make sure the relationship develops on her terms, not the man’s.
Control is the opposite of open communication, in which we can be vulnerable and vulnerable. Elizabeth will not change herself if she admits that most men do not expect the «reward» that she thinks about. A simple thank you is enough. If someone wants more and hopes for sex in gratitude, she can always say no.
What can give us vulnerability
Being sincere and vulnerable means controlling yourself, but not how relationships develop. While it may seem safer and more reliable to deal with a partner you can control, this way you can avoid embarrassing situations and disagreements. But consider that you are losing the chance to build a deep and meaningful relationship, an emotionally fulfilling connection for life.