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These parents who sacrifice themselves and stay together for their children
In France, more than one in three marriages ends in divorce. And very often, children are at the heart of these separations. In 2009, 160 minors experienced the divorce of their parents*. In order not to make their toddlers endure such a situation, some prefer to stay together despite the disagreement and the absence of feelings. Several reasons can explain this choice. First of all, the traditional image of the family model is still well anchored in our societies. For some, it is inconceivable to divorce. Parents may also fear being left alone with their children. Others don’t want to duplicate their parents’ pattern. Not to mention that some women are financially dependent on their spouse. Staying in a relationship is the assurance for them that their child will not miss anything. Corn what is the price of such a sacrifice? Is apparent happiness sufficient for family balance? As the psychologist and psychoanalyst Marie-Dominique Amy explains, “sacrificing yourself is never good. I think that by sacrificing too much and accepting everything, children suffer. Later, they can blame the parent who somehow lacked the courage to leave ”. Moreover, remaining as a couple for your children means making them bear a heavy responsibility: the weight of an endured union. Children can then feel guilty and think that if they weren’t there their parents would certainly have a better life.
Pretenses: children are not fooled!
Indifference, repeated arguments, infidelities… when the father and the mother choose to stay together without real love in the parental couple, the child notices it. ” Children have a sixth sense, they perceive incredible things. It is impossible to hide everything from them! », Explains Marie-Dominique Amy. Moreover, if the parents are not really happy, the child will feel this discomfort, and will be unhappy in turn. It’s kind of a vicious circle. But above all, by acting in this way, parents keep their children in a distorted image of life as a couple, which is not without consequences for their future life as men and women. Education, the environment but also our parental models influence our vision of the couple. Marie-Dominique Amy insists on one point: “if the parents choose to have extramarital affairs, it is essential not to confuse children in their adult stories and to preserve them as much as possible to avoid further injury. »
The importance of separating well and talking with children
Before thinking about the separation, “the intervention of a third party or a couple therapist for a few sessions can be a good thing”, explains the psychoanalyst. “Some are lost and such an approach can help them to understand each other, to perceive to what extent they are complementary”, adds Marie-Dominique Amy. If, after trying everything, the couple still can’t get along, then separation becomes the only way out. ” It is certain, for children, it is very guilty. They think it’s their fault. Separation is never easy, ”emphasizes Marie-Dominique Amy. But sticking together when nothing is going well can be far more traumatic for their development. Indeed, the separation is also good according to the specialist. “The children I was able to follow often felt better after their parents separated. Internal conflicts wear out children. In some cases, divorce calms them down. And they are happy to see their parents resume an independent life. As the psychoanalyst explains it’s all about how to separate. “We must do everything to make things go well. It is important to put rules in place and to respect them, to reassure the children, to think about the time of the holidays and the visits. In fact, everything is based on the empathy and understanding of parents and on dialogue, ”emphasizes the specialist. “The most serious is when the separation goes badly”, adds Marie-Dominique Amy. “Accusing the other parent, making hateful remarks against them are behaviors to be avoided”.
An “ideal” moment to separate?
Children too young, the approach of adolescence often dreaded … some parents wonder when is the least critical moment to divorce. Indeed, it is common to hear: “I wait until they grow up to leave”. But are there really times that are more critical than others for parting? “It is difficult to answer the question. A lot of couples are waiting, and it’s complicated », Affirms Marie-Dominique Amy. “Nevertheless, in my experience, I think that when the parents separate peacefully and when the child is very small, it usually goes well.” Perhaps because from an early age the child is used to living this way, with his parents separated. However, it is important to clarify that each situation is unique. It is therefore up to everyone to see what suits them and to do things as best as possible for the well-being of young and old.
* source: National Institute for Statistics and Economic Studies (Insee)