Children’s whims

The author of the article is E.V. Murashova

What are children’s whims?

Surely every person, even who has never had children, has seen how small children are capricious. A heart-rendingly screaming baby in a trolleybus, a small stubborn man who does not want to leave the coveted kiosk, a creature of indeterminate sex roaring in three streams, which is literally dragged along the street by an angry or, on the contrary, almost crying mother herself — all this is just the tip of the iceberg. The main field of children’s whims is, of course, the house, the family. Very often, parents, helplessly shrugging their hands, admit: they praise him in the manger, they say that he is quiet, calm, he does everything, but at home …

What are children’s whims? Where do they come from and what do they mean?

To begin with, let’s slightly modify the question and put it like this: why do children act up? Let us listen to the voices expressing the so-called folk wisdom:

• slept badly during the day, so he is capricious;
• he went too far, he should have put to sleep a long time ago;
• as what is not according to him, so he always begins;
• too many people, new experiences, so he got overexcited;
• he was tired, of course, the whole day on the road;
• ill, maybe… Is your forehead not hot?

It is easy to see that everyone is looking for and finding the cause of the child’s whims in circumstances external to him. He himself seems to have nothing to do with it. Oddly enough, even the people around the child and their relationship with each other turn out to be nothing. The above can apply to absolutely any child. And the fact that some children are capricious almost continuously, while others are almost not capricious at all, seems to be irrelevant. So, some absolutely faceless coincidence of circumstances. Well, folk wisdom is as abstract as any wisdom at all. This is its advantage, and this is its disadvantage.

But we are interested in specific reasons. In addition, everyone knows such situations when a child is especially capricious in the presence of any one, specific person, and cases when even a very tired or sick child shows completely angelic meekness.

What is the snag here? And what, in fact, is not good for the popular interpretation of children’s whims?

The answer is very simple. The whims of a child are the messages of a child. Messages of a small personality to the people around her, to the world. Not taking this into account when communicating with a child means ignoring a significant part of his real needs. How to read these messages?

Sometimes their text is transparent and easy to read by an attentive mother or grandmother (see the example above: naughty, which means she wants to sleep! It is enough to put such a naughty child to bed, and everything will be fine. The message is read, the need is satisfied.) But not always everything is so simply. Remember Larissa.

Why are children naughty?

1. The first point will tell us all the same folk wisdom.

The cause of childish moodiness may be chronic or just beginning somatic disease. If a child experiences physical pain, if he is stuffy, hot, if he is sick or has a chill, he may not be able to say about it in words (especially if we are talking about a child under three years old), but he will demonstrate his discomfort in form of behavior change. This will be protest or inconsistent behavior, emotionally inconsistent or inhibited.

Whenever a child begins to act up unexpectedly or out of the blue, in the coming hours, you should carefully monitor his state of health.

If a child is chronically ill and often experiences physical discomfort, then in order to avoid the development of character pathologies, this should be compensated for by a large (compared to an ordinary child) number of impressions of a positive, entertaining nature. With such a child, you need to talk more, play, show and explain to him pictures, books and films accessible to his age.

2. Very often, the main cause of children’s capriciousness are various types of violations of education in the family.

In this case, the message of the child can be read like this: “I need to be treated differently!”.

The most common types of violations of the upbringing of preschoolers are hyperprotective (permissive) and hypoprotective (prohibitive). Particularly disastrous for children’s balance is the combination of both violations (for example, parents bring up in severity, and grandmother allows absolutely everything).

Hyperprotection leads to the fact that the child practically does not know the word «impossible». Any prohibition causes him a violent and prolonged protest. Persistent attempts to bring such a child “into the frame” lead to seizures resembling hysterical ones (lips turn blue, breathing becomes intermittent, movements lose coordination). Often, parents are frightened by such formidable manifestations and give up their attempts, which further aggravates the situation.

Hypoprotection in its extreme form leads to the depletion of adaptive reserves. A child who is forbidden by everything at first tries to comply with all the prohibitions and please his parents, but soon begins to feel that «it is impossible to live like this.» And then on the other hand, but we all come to the same protest, capricious behavior, which irritates parents even more. Parents forbid the child to be capricious, he protests against the prohibition of protest — and this vicious circle can spin for years.

Violation of education can also be a different educational orientation of family members caring for the child. For example, a hyperprotective mother and a hypoprotective father.

3. Sometimes the whims of the child are a symptom of intra-family disharmony.

In this case, when analyzing the situation, neither hypo nor hyperprotection can be identified, the child seems to be brought up correctly, sometimes even “according to science,” but relations within the family are extremely tense. For example, the mother-in-law does not get along with the young daughter-in-law and tries in every possible way to prove and show her «uselessness». Or a young father after the birth of a child does not mind taking a walk, and his wife does not sleep at night, slowly crying and checking the pockets of his jacket in search of evidence of adultery. Here, the whims — the messages of the child, are translated unequivocally: «I do not want people who are significant to me to quarrel with each other!»

There is no innate peacefulness in this, or, even more so, altruism on the part of the child. It’s just that the spiritual energy that should have rightfully belonged to him is spent by adults on sorting out relations between themselves or, conversely, on maintaining “a good face in a bad game.” And the child is naturally unhappy with this. And it also naturally demonstrates this dissatisfaction with others. It is these children who often and at first glance inexplicably stop being naughty when the mother-in-law leaves for the country (“Yes, she almost didn’t approach him!”) Or when the father goes on a long business trip (“He loves dad, I know he always misses him!»). In reality, children in this case react not to the mere absence of a family member (sometimes sincerely loved), but to the suspension of overt or covert hostilities.

4. Sometimes they take something else for whims.

For example, a completely natural study of the reactions of parents, which the child usually undertakes in the third year of life: “Can’t you go here? And I will go … And what will she do? Screaming… And I’ll go again. And what will happen then? Yep, it drags. And I will break free and go again … Oh-she-she! Seems like enough…”

And so many times a day, for a variety of reasons. Terribly tiring. But these are not whims. This is research. And if you are firm and consistent enough, then pretty quickly (for different children it takes from several months to two years), the child will get used to all the variety of your reactions, and will clearly understand what can and cannot be afforded in communication. with mom, dad, grandma…

The classic substitution described many times in the literature is the parents’ disregard for the child’s demands for the provision of personal independence. The classic «Me!» He does not know how to eat cleanly, but reaches for a spoon. He tries to tie his shoelaces himself, then we unravel for half an hour with the whole family. He stubbornly puts his pants on backwards and so tries to go to the kindergarten. When you try to correct the situation — angry, screaming. This is also not whims. In these cases, it makes sense to first praise the child for striving for independence and note his obvious achievements, and then inform him that in order to complete the situation and to make it more harmonious, it is necessary to do something else. As a rule, children at this age demand precisely the recognition of their attempts, because it is too early to talk about any real autonomy, and they really understand this very well.

What should parents do when the child is naughty

Try not to treat the whims of the child as another attempt to torment you. Imagine an alien who has a poor command of the earth language and is trying to convey something to your consciousness. Remember that the situation of a child is further complicated by the fact that, unlike an alien, he does not have a “native language” that he would be completely fluent in. See →

Crybaby. An example of the work of a psychologist

It is clear that in the family of Larisa and Gali, whims stemmed from the inability of the mother to clearly convey her educational position to her daughter.

The mobile, smart little girl is already studying the world around her (including the personality of her mother), and Galya still perceives her as her physical extension. At the same time, it seems to be implied that for Larisa “it goes without saying” everything that is obvious for Galya. See →