Chest of memories: returning to the past, changing the future

We may feel like childhood is a thing of the past because we think of life as a straight line. However, our personality is more like a nesting doll: the smallest, childish «I» is stored inside older versions. The emotional pattern inherent in childhood is repeated with variations in our response to many subsequent events.

So, if sadness prevailed in childhood experiences, it is unlikely that much joy awaits us ahead. Also, in childhood, in order to maintain parental love, we may have had to sacrifice some desires, and sometimes parts of our personality. But as adults, we get a chance to «win» them back. How? Explains psychotherapist Emmanuel de Cocromont.

1. Give voice to your feelings

Purpose: to regain your «aliveness». The child we once were still lives in our body. This is not a memory detached from what we feel today, but a reality. And it is very important for us to meet him again, “because the child is the bearer of the vital impulse,” says Emmanuel de Cocromont, “which I call “liveness”, and a significant part of adult men and women make decisions that do not come from this source. They make choices that do not develop life and joy in them.” To resurrect this impulse:

Find your baby photos (up to 12 years old). Break them down into two types: those you like and those you don’t, not for aesthetic reasons, but because of what they express. Choose the photo you like the least and the one you like the most. If you don’t find a «positive» photo, work on a «negative» one.

Take a pen and paper. Look at the photograph and let the images, sensations and feelings emerge. Write down in the first person, “I”, everything that this child tells you about himself at the moment: sensations and facts (place, time of year, why the photo was taken, clothes that you were wearing). Then take the next photo and do the same. Pay attention to the physical sensations you experience as you look at each photo.

Positive experiences (joy, impulse, energy) say that the inner child is in touch with his «aliveness». In adulthood, physical sensations (opening, expanding, lightness — or closing, contraction, heaviness) signal whether we are in contact with something in ourselves that is good for us or something that is harmful. That’s why it’s important to regularly—preferably daily—listen to your own feelings. And especially in those cases when we have to make an important decision.

2. Give yourself first aid

Purpose: to become aware of your wounds. Some of them are due to extreme mistreatment of us (sexual abuse, beatings, humiliation). Others arose due to a lack of attention, care. It’s not about exaggerating some wounds and downplaying others, but about acknowledging and healing them. To discover them:

Let the image of your experiences emerge, which combined several painful memories: perhaps about how you try not to cry (the wound of the «exemplary child»); about being on the sidelines when everyone is playing (the «invisible child» wound), how you tried to say something and it made you feel ashamed of yourself. Allow all the sensations and emotions generated by this source scene to come to you.

Lie on your back with one hand on your heart and the other on your stomach, and think of the child in that scene, the child you once were. Breathing in, think-feel love at the level of the heart; while exhaling, think-feel trust at the level of the abdomen. Continue for a few minutes.

Take care of yourself every day, do it carefully and consciously (shower, hair, dressing, makeup). This will help you feel your presence and treat yourself with respect.

3. Regain the ability to play

Goal: Reconnect with everything that inspired you as a child (games, dreams about the future, relationships, environment). The core of our unique personality can be compared to a polyhedron, where each facet is a part of ourselves. The best way to master this multiple reality is through play. Children love to play as if because they feel the need to express all the facets of their being: the clown, the tyrant, the artist, the man, the woman, the beast. Everything is allowed in the game. But as adults, we lose the flexibility that allows us to embody different aspects of ourselves. It makes us rigid and impoverishes us. To revive this ability:

Take a piece of paper and write: “My favorite toy was”, “The game I liked to play alone was…”, “My favorite game in a group was…”. Immerse yourself in the appropriate time, in the sensations that you had then. Describe why you liked it.

Try to make a connection between the activities you enjoyed as a child and the activities you do today. If you feel nostalgic about an activity, think about why you gave up on it and how you could reintroduce it into your life.

Then move on to childhood dreams. Which one inspired you the most if you thought, “When I grow up…”? Remember this dream and explain it. Maybe as a child you wanted to be an astronaut, and when you grew up, you became a biologist: in both cases, you explore the unknown with scientific methods. If there is a significant discrepancy between the past and the present, first ask yourself if anything is encouraging you right now. If not, think about why you had such a dream before — what attracted you to it? For example, you can dream of becoming a teacher at school in order to have authority or carry knowledge.

4. Unmask your true self

Purpose: to get rid of labels, other people’s expectations, that is, from those types of behavior that other people brought up in us from childhood. Jung called the social mask «persona»; and Winnicott defined the self that develops to meet the needs and expectations of our parents as the «false self.» “When we grow up, we adapt to circumstances and at the same time risk losing contact with the true Self. How to identify it?

You can buy a white face mask, or cut an oval to fit the face from a sheet of paper, making holes for the eyes and holes for the elastic. Write on the mask the roles, actions, emotions that you need to show in order to be recognized (patience, humor, modesty).

Take the mask in your hands and read, silently or aloud, all the words written on it. Let people or situations from the past come to mind that are specific examples of these words.

Standing in front of a mirror, put the mask on your face and look into your eyes for a long time, then remove the mask. “Most people experience a sense of liberation and realize that they have unconsciously acted out situations in which they were treated badly again and again,” notes Emmanuel de Cocromont. He advises after this exercise to return to the «ambulance» from stage 2.