Become stronger by overcoming yourself

Every day we are bombarded with bad news that feeds a sense of insecurity that too many people already know. If my partner leaves me, I am threatened with loneliness; if I lose my job, I’ll be on the street; if I get sick, I will become an outcast in the normal world of healthy people …

Temporarily helpless

Events of this kind threaten us with impotence. “In moments of difficult trials, especially unexpected ones, we lose our bearings, and the mechanisms of adaptation to the world that we have developed fail,” explains systemic family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. “In this sense, we are returning to a state of childish helplessness.”

We become weak and dependent on others, and it takes time for us to adjust to new circumstances and take matters into our own hands. To do this, we must think about what happened, rethink and revise our own lives.

In the face of trials, we ask ourselves the same questions: What do I have left? Who will be by my side? What am I worth now when I have to give up the person with whom I was going to live my life, when the boss gave me his resignation, when my body no longer obeys me? Our inner world suffers, the former image of the «I» is being questioned. We discover our vulnerability, but we can also discover strengths in ourselves that we were not aware of.

It’s not meant to be?

To cope with the problem, it is useful to first assess its size, says psychoanalyst Olivier Douville: “Firing is not a difficulty of such magnitude as breaking up with a loved one, although both make us feel lonely and hurt our self-esteem.”

He also recommends avoiding generalizations like this: “I was thrown out, fired, or I became seriously ill — this is fate, I deserve it, because I am worse than others.” In each of us there is a share of masochism and a desire to hurt ourselves, but we should not engage in self-flagellation: in this way we deprive ourselves of the strength that we still need.

Another thing is if we say “not fate”, meaning “this fate was not mine, I will look for another”. This is not humility, but our choice: we make it, for example, when we need to say goodbye to goals that have become unattainable for us. Egor, 28, recalls how he had to give up his sports career. “I wanted to become a runner, in my school years I won city competitions,” says Yegor. “But in the seventh grade I broke my ankle, because of an unsuccessful operation, I ended up in the hospital several times a year, and running was over. After school, I didn’t know what to do next.»

The story of 53-year-old Anna, at first glance, is different — she was fired from the position of director of a large company. “I had so many plans, projects — and overnight all this turned out to be unnecessary,” Anna recalls. “I was completely unsettled, it seemed to me that my whole life had gone to dust.”

It is difficult to part with the image of the future that we have built for ourselves. “We experience grief when we lose something: a loved one, a job, our hopes,” explains Varvara Sidorova. – The initial stage of experiencing is to recognize that the loss has occurred. Grief is a continuous process, and only after it is completed can we discover new opportunities.”

Despite the difference in the stories of Yegor and Anna, they have one thing in common: both had to re-look for their own path. Now Yegor is graduating from the Minsk Radio Engineering Institute. Anna has not yet decided what she will do. “I am thinking about starting my own company and teaching. But most importantly, I feel that life goes on, and only some part of the career, albeit a significant one, has ended, ”says Anna.

We can be relieved to know that others have experienced the same adversity and found a way to deal with it. We are going through a difficult time, but this does not make us outcasts of the society of «those who are loved, with whom they cooperate», the world of healthy people.

Our difficulties only make us look at ourselves in a new way. The partner left me, but I did not turn into an empty place: I’m just again without a partner. I was fired, but I did not become useless — the moment came to ask myself what I can do and what I want. I have cancer, but this disease does not define me and it is not at all synonymous with a death sentence — in order to survive, I must begin treatment.

holes in the armor

Is there a secret of those who cope with difficulties better than others? It can be assumed that they have a stable and high self-esteem, they believe in their ability to recover in a difficult situation. “But it would be an illusion to think that our mental strength and internal energy remain unchanged throughout our lives,” says Olivier Douville. “All people, without exception, have holes in their armor.”

Perhaps this thought will allow us to treat ourselves more condescendingly. “A drop in self-esteem is a natural stage in experiencing loss,” adds Varvara Sidorova, “and at the same time an incentive to make efforts to correct the situation. Whereas a person with a highly inflated self-esteem, on the contrary, may find it difficult to solve problems, because his picture of the world is unrealistic.

There is a hypothesis that people whose brains produce a lot of dopamine and serotonin are better armed in the face of adversity: they are more active, more optimistic. But dopamine and serotonin levels also fluctuate. And by itself, it does not guarantee anything: both our ideas about ourselves and the connections we build play an important role.

For example, for people in merging relationships, the loss of loved ones is devastating. “At appointments, you hear from such clients: “I don’t know who I am anymore,” says Varvara Sidorova. “They look at themselves through the eyes of a partner and, having lost him, they really cease to understand who they are and what they can do.”

The biggest breaches are the losses that threaten our identity. Many men link the answer to the question «Who am I?» with a profession, and for them to lose the opportunity to do their job is a disaster.

“Women, as a rule, experience problems with work easier,” notes Varvara Sidorova, “because apart from their professional identity, they also have other identities: mother, mistress of the house, wife, lover.” But it may be more difficult for them to survive the departure of grown-up children from home.

Will courage help?

Being fired, getting sick, breaking up, or discovering that our relationship is no longer what it used to be, is a tear in the fabric of life. Hence the feeling of emptiness, meaninglessness.

Purposeful and conscious expression of experiences helps to fill the void and return the meaning. Here is a way for everyone to express them.

You can pour out feelings on paper, describing the fear of death, anger at the one who betrayed us, left us. No literary gift? What remains is painting, modeling, dance, movement…

When we are abandoned or betrayed, we tend to give up on ourselves, not to look in the mirror. Whereas, taking care of ourselves and our attractiveness, which supports desire, we return to life not only eros, but also all the driving forces of our existence.

Let’s say we’re fired — why not look at it as an opportunity to take a vacation in the countryside or go on a trip that we have long dreamed of. “This is the best moment to remember that we have the right to live even when we do not benefit the market system,” says Olivier Douville.

A confidential conversation with a loved one also helps to return meaning to our lives. “Especially if he is wise enough to know that you will not follow the advice,” adds the psychoanalyst.

In fact, sympathizing with us, others often try to cheer us up: «Be brave, you can do it.» Such instructions sometimes work, “but only in the case when we already know what to do, the only thing missing is self-confidence,” says Varvara Sidorova. “However, it happens that there is no ready-made solution for the situation, or we still do not have enough strength.” Then it is useless to appeal to courage, it will only increase our confusion.

It does not follow from this that we need to withdraw into ourselves and not listen to anyone, but it follows that the decision of what to be and how to act remains with us. “There is one criterion to understand whether advice is right for us,” continues Varvara Sidorova. “It is our own sense of lightness or heaviness. “Yes” is when we cleared up in our heads and felt better in our hearts.”

And yet: do we need courage to overcome trials? Here Olivier Douville is categorical: “No! Courage is a fine moral ideal, a philosophical virtue, but from a psychoanalytic point of view it means nothing. To repel a test is not a feat, but a manifestation of the art of living.

This art involves accepting life’s adversities and the changes they bring with them. Including change for the better.