«You don’t have to put up with mediocre relationships»

It is unlikely that someone will directly say that it is time to agree to any option, just not to be left alone. It is unlikely that acquaintances openly convince you to meet with a man who does not like and is not worthy of you. Nevertheless, society presses, makes it necessary to look for a couple, even if others do not explicitly talk about it.

Unmarried women over 30 are called too demanding, they call for lowering the bar. They are more likely to face social rejection and become the object of negative stereotypes. From childhood, we are taught that the value of a woman is directly related to the ability to find a life partner. Marriage marks the transition to adulthood. Marriage is the most important relationship in adulthood. We cannot consider ourselves whole until we find our other half. Control argument: The biological clock is ticking.

No wonder people are in a hurry to settle down, even if they are not ready or have not met the right person. However, it is better to be alone than to settle for what is. No need to put up with a mediocre relationship, wait for the person with whom you will become truly happy. Here are some scientific arguments for.

Fear of loneliness shifts priorities

In 2013, a group of scientists led by Stephanie Spielmann from Wayne University in Detroit conducted a survey and found that for people who are afraid of loneliness, it is not the quality of relationships that is more important, but their presence. They agree with statements like «I’m afraid it will soon be too late to look for love» and «The older I get, the harder it is to find someone.» And they are less likely to express dissatisfaction with the relationship, even if there are real problems in them.

Psychologists also conducted a study in which online dating was staged. A self-sufficient person is unlikely to show interest in a user who says in a profile: “I love my job. I need a person who will respect this and, if necessary, fade into the background.” But people who cannot stand loneliness, this categoricalness in a potential partner is much less embarrassing.

It is logical to assume that for them any relationship is better than none. Researchers have found that in unsuccessful relationships, they feel just as depressed and abandoned as those who currently do not have a partner.

Social connections are important for well-being, so we are looking for close relationships. But when the fear of being alone drives such decisions, we often make the wrong choice. And as a result, we become even more lonely and vulnerable. No need to treat the choice of a partner as in a game of chairs, where the main thing is to take any chair, just not to stand. This approach makes it difficult to notice the signals that suggest that a person is not suitable.

Independence has benefits

Unmarried women are usually seen as immature, selfish and unfit for life. Sometimes they are even denied renting an apartment, preferring a «more reliable» married couple. In fact, free people are often less selfish than those who are married or living with a partner, they are more likely to help relatives, friends, and sick parents.

Don’t be fooled by popular stereotypes. It doesn’t matter why you or someone is single, it could be a temporary situation or a conscious life choice. Freedom from relationships provides an opportunity to build strong friendships, dedicate yourself to your favorite activities and develop a sense of self-worth that does not depend on the opinion of a partner or others. This will do you good when you meet «your» person and build relationships. If you are unhappy with life, you will probably expect your partner to meet your needs and make it better. Over time, this will destroy the relationship. If you are already doing well, there will be no unrealistic expectations that will interfere with your happiness.

True love is worth the risk

You may never find true love. But if you find it, the gain will more than pay for the risks. Surely you have heard stories about too picky women who died old maids. There are no less stories about those who did not succumb to the pressure of relatives and friends and found a man who was perfect for them. This was worth the wait.

Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky have proven that people tend to avoid loss and risk, which is why many prefer to stay in mediocre relationships and miss the opportunity to find better ones.

Perhaps risk aversion is justified in financial management. But in other areas of life (finding a dream job or choosing a partner), this strategy is not always applicable. What’s better? At the age of 40, meet a beloved man with whom you will be happy, or be with a man who does not fit for the rest of your life? If you prefer the first option, it’s worth the risk.

Another trap is the so-called sunk costs. For example, it’s cold outside, you have a cold, and yet you go to an outdoor concert. After all, you have already bought a ticket, you cannot return it. You forget that you still have a choice: go to a concert and get even sicker or stay warm at home. Keeping a relationship just because you put a lot of time and effort into it is like going to a concert with a cold or investing in a company that is destined to fail. Lost in any case can not be returned, but you can stop so as not to lose even more.

Accepting flaws doesn’t mean accepting

Sometimes women are really too picky about the qualities of their future husband. They reject great partners for minor reasons, such as short stature. But in the long run, this quality does not matter. Kindness, for example, is much more important. If your man does not have the beauty and talent of Brad Pitt, this does not mean that being with him is a bad idea.

You should not disassemble it into pros and cons, look in general, what kind of person he is, how you feel next to him. If you are comfortable in a relationship, you have common goals and values ​​- your relationship is not mediocre. Who knows, maybe soon the husband will seem more beautiful and more talented than Brad Pitt.