Possessiveness means taking the other’s freedom … In a relationship, everyone can be vigilant, because we are attached to something that is dear to us, but this should not be to the detriment of freedom . Possessiveness, explains the psycho-practitioner Jean-Yves Caen, “it’s really the art of saying that one is the owner of the other“. However, one can be attached to the romantic relationship, to the couple, but without imposing an existential obligation on it. Often times, possessive people find it difficult to be free with themselves.

«I am not jealous, I am vigilant!»: Such is a sentence pronounced by a lady towards her husband, in the office where Jean-Yves Caen works as a psycho-practitioner. This one considers that “one can be attached to the romantic relationship, be attached to the couple, but without imposing an existential obligation“… However, possessiveness is a bit like the art of saying that one is the owner of the other, and the owner of the relationship. In a couple, we can therefore indeed be vigilant because we are attached to something that is dear to us, but not to the detriment of freedom.

There are several reasons that people can be possessive. Very often, possessive people find it difficult to be free with themselves, and more generally in their relationships with others. It is frequent that these people have wounds, or experiences, educations which strongly constrained them. And so, Jean-Yves Caen, who is also a couple therapist, believes that “they were not taught, for example, to decide for themselves, to take risks, to undertake, etc.. ” This is why possessive people are very much looking for emotional security. Or even rituals, which should reassure them every day.

By the possessiveness of the other, these people try to control what the couple should be, to secure them themselves. It is common for this type of relationship to be marked by very rhythmic habits, rituals that come back every day. It can give them the illusion that there is something permanent, secure. It has been said: often, possessiveness is synonymous with the need for security.

«Possessiveness is embarrassing when it is to the detriment of the other“, Confirms our expert. There are, sometimes, couples who are very possessive of each other, and it suits them as well. But it will only work for a while. Because for Jean-Yves Caen, “as soon as there is an imbalance in the couple, and one of the two sees possessiveness as a deprivation of liberty and an obstacle, there is something harmful“. Thus, the person who is deprived of this freedom will then seek it. And lies are likely to appear.

More and more, strategies are being created today to spy on the other in the couple, sometimes even through software. The possessiveness is sometimes such, one of the members of the couple is so afraid that the other will go elsewhere, that he spies on his smartphone and his social networks. The person, then, no longer has privacy: and this is highly damaging. Because for a couple to be able to develop, each one must be able to feel free to be with himself, to be himself.

Possessiveness in a couple is also harmful because, inevitably, each of the two does not work in the same way. Even if we have common tastes, we are necessarily different. “Possessiveness asks the other to be what one is oneself. And in this there is something impossible“, Summarizes Jean-Yves Caen.

So how do you stop being possessive? In fact, the couple’s question raises that of the internal assessment center, proposed by the American humanist psychologist Karl Rogers: according to him, the more a person has this capacity to come back to him and to self-manage his life, the more he will then be able to to adjust in the relationships of couples, and in any other type of relationship. And thus, to get out of possessiveness is above all to come back to oneself. To wonder about what is in pain, at home.

Work on oneself is necessary, which leads to questioning one’s own difficulty in self-assessment, self-adjustment, self-conduct. To be trusted, too. “Often, for me, possessiveness is linked to the difficulty of self-pilotingr ”, summarizes the therapist.

In some cases couples therapy may be considered. It will, for example, be able to get each or one of the members to realize that they are possessive. This type of therapy can help to become aware of what is going on in the relationship, to clarify, and thus to reorient the situation, the way of functioning. But Jean-Yves Caen also believes that “in some cases, and when there is an increased possessiveness, there is a need for individual follow-ups in parallel. ” When there is possessiveness, this is very often the sign that functioning needs to be changed within the couple, but also at the personal level.

This possessiveness can go as far as killing the feeling of love! It is never good to have someone, whatever the situation … The freedom to be is, therefore, a condition for the couple to function. And having confidence is also taking the risk that the other may decide to have another path. To be able to accept this challenge, this bet, you need to have self-confidence.

«For me, a couple is the balance between being yourself and being with the other“, Summarizes the specialist. Too much possessiveness will risk, ultimately, preventing the other from being… To conclude with the words of Jean-Yves Caen: “Perfect relationships do not exist: it is through communication, by the fact that we exchange and share, that the couple can move forward.»