We are often afraid to express anger and show anger in relationships that are close and valuable to us — it seems to us that in this way we can destroy them. But psychologists have a different opinion on this matter …
Most of us don’t like being angry. And when showing it, many feel guilty, like 43-year-old Valentina: “I was so angry at my 14-year-old daughter for not cleaning her room that I immediately brushed off everything that was on it from her desk: textbooks, notebooks, dirty plates and cups, candy wrappers — everything except the computer. For a moment I felt better, but then I scolded myself for a long time for incontinence. Although there is simply no strength to endure! ”
Meanwhile, in popular psychological publications, one can often read that it is not necessary to restrain anger, moreover, this can harm health. Is it so?
Family psychologist and body therapist Andrei Minchenkov agrees: “All my practical experience shows that this is the case.
In ancient times, the connection between emotions and the body was well understood. It was believed that if an emotion does not find a way out, it gets stuck in the internal organs. Anger, rage affect the liver and gallbladder, they believed in ancient China, and today we say “bilious” in the sense of “evil”.
There is also a more modern way of describing the impact of emotions on the body: to talk about the work of the hormonal system, which causes various reactions in the body. But the meaning is the same — unexpressed anger is directed inward and has a destructive effect on our organs.
(Incontinence
It may not come to somatic diseases, but in any case, we spend energy on restraining our aggressive impulses, says clinical psychologist and Jungian analyst Tatyana Lyachina. “Clients often come complaining of despondency and energy exhaustion, they don’t have the energy to start important things, and anti-procrastination training does not help, the internal costs of being “white and fluffy” for others are so great. One of the reasons for this state is repressed anger. When we go to work on it, I see how the client comes to life before our eyes.”
By holding back, we seem to be trying to keep the relationship going. But the opportunity to show your irritation is an indicator of sincerity and trust in a couple. “We are not angry if the other person is indifferent to us,” continues Tatyana Lyachina. “Accumulated anger is no less a threat to love than screams and scandals.”
Vicious circle: expressing anger is bad, not expressing worse, it is impossible not to feel
The conclusion that suggests itself is that it is useful to express anger. But here other questions arise: what if relatives do not approve of our manifestations, will they be offended or angry in response? And we don’t like ourselves very much in a state of anger. To a greater extent, this applies to women, many of them are expected to be soft from childhood. However, “Jupiter, you are angry, then you are wrong,” says the old aphorism. Male anger is not welcome, especially in modern society.
“We live in a world of extremes and we try to prefer one of them to the detriment of the other, we want to be tolerant and under no circumstances show or experience anger. But if we suppress some of our feelings, others also suffer, says Andrey Minchenkov, our smiles become false, care becomes forced, and those around us feel it. A vicious circle: expressing anger is bad, not expressing even worse, it is impossible not to feel.
Where is the way out?
Amplitude question
Most often, we imagine manifestations of anger as screaming, banging a fist on the table, breaking plates. This happens in two cases: if the event that caused the anger is too large and sudden, for example, without preamble, the message delivered: «I’m leaving you for your best friend,» or if it was preceded by a long period of silence.
“When I got married, I decided for the sake of peace in the family never to criticize my wife,” recalls 34-year-old Valery. — The cutlets are overcooked — we will eat sausages. My mother-in-law has arrived — I’ll take a longer walk. But a year later, every little thing annoyed me. And I fell for some nonsense. We almost got divorced. The wife’s main complaint was: you are gloomy silent, I don’t even understand what’s wrong with you.
It is better to learn not to miss the moment when anger first appears.
Valery and his wife came up with a way out: whoever is dissatisfied writes a “complaint” to another and offers an idea how it can be fixed. Their marriage is eight years old.
“It is impossible to stand on tiptoe all your life,” Tatiana Lyachina comments. “Mild irritation can pass, but if the situation that causes discomfort is repeated, and we do nothing, then the feeling can develop into rage, anger, into passive-aggressive behavior.”
Therefore, it is better to learn not to miss the moment when anger first appears in order to understand and, if necessary, express a feeling at a stage when its manifestation can be controlled and dosed, and words can be selected.
call by their names
To do this, you need to be able to do two things.
First, allow yourself to experience the full range of feelings, including all variants of anger. Tatyana Lyachina points to a subtle difference: “Anger and anger can be experienced within oneself. Aggression has a direction, a “destination”.
Aggression must be learned to express, and anger and anger must be lived through. Give the feeling the opportunity to take place, to become identified and named. And then it can go downhill. If not, you will identify it and decide what you want to do with it.”
Secondly, you need to learn how to tell your partner what exactly is happening to us. Abuses are not uncommon in everyday life, when partners blame each other, evaluate, shift responsibility, attribute bad intentions: “you did badly,” “you make me angry on purpose.” Or stick labels: finished the soup — «greedy», did not wash the dishes — «slob». Such statements cause another offense, a desire to defend themselves, run away or take revenge. That is, they certainly do not strengthen relations.
To begin with, you can describe separately your feelings and the situation in which they arise.
“If we experience negative emotions, are dissatisfied with how the other acted or did not act, it is necessary to speak about it out loud: “I don’t like it, I’m dissatisfied, I’m outraged,” Andrey Minchenkov emphasizes. “But we must remember that these are my emotions, they belong to me, and we need to figure out what happened.” To begin with, you can describe separately your feelings and the situation in which they arise. For example: “I don’t like it when you take my things without asking me. I get angry when this happens again.»
Another “advice to the angry” is to understand your needs. “A very useful question: what need am I angry out of? — adds Tatyana Lyachina. — Suppose someone ate your soup, you are angry. But it’s not just that you’re hungry, there’s probably another reason. For example, is another need unsatisfied: respect, recognition of your boundaries, rights, your separateness? By understanding this, you will better understand yourself, and at the same time the other.