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Find this subject in the podcast of the program Les Experts Europe 1 in partnership with the magazine Parents.
It’s D-Day, the start of the long-awaited vacation. And as always, good humor and effervescence quickly give way to arguments that erupt for trifles. From the preparations for departure, one wants to take the minimum and travel light, the other plans to move the whole house … one wants his diving equipment, the books he has not had time to read , his favorite CDs, his entire summer wardrobe plus rain gear just in case… Plus the little one’s stuff. Do we take our bed, stroller, high chair, plastic tub and all the childcare equipment we use daily? Certainly not ! Holidays are also an opportunity for the whole family to adapt to change, and there is no reason why the size of the suitcase should be inversely proportional to the size of its owner. On the other hand, do not leave without his blanket, his favorite toys, the cot bumper and the small sheets he knows, his music box, his pacifier … in short, all the objects that reassure him when he is anxious. Here we go !
Give up the total “peace and love”
On the road, it does not get better. One already feels on vacation and offers to take breaks for lunch, relax, drink a coffee, and does not care to arrive three hours earlier or later. The other has programmed an itinerary and a precise arrival time. He had the car’s engine and fuel tank checked the day before. Concentrated on his average, it’s barely if we can stop for five minutes to pee. And in addition, he demands that the children stop heckling and making noise in the back … The tone goes up! On arrival, the arguments continue for trifles.
The apartment, the rental house, the hotel club, the campsite have nothing to do with the photo published on the Internet. The environment is ugly, the beach is far away, it’s noisy… And that’s the big disappointment! The solution to stopping the moaning machine is simply to stop idealizing and come back down to earth. Just because we’re on vacation doesn’t mean we’re not going to argue anymore. In reality, it’s like during the rest of the year, aggressiveness, conflicts, mutual annoyances are inevitable in the couple. In fact, the arguments are proportional to the time spent together. During work, we spend a few hours a day with the family. On vacation, it’s 24 hours a day! So no need to fantasize about a perfect marital harmony during a summer, it’s a lure! Once you know that, you enjoy the cool moments, the pleasant days, the relaxed evenings, the laughs shared with the family and you make sure that the inevitable conflicts last as short as possible.
All you need to do is send out calming signals for calm to return. Instead of sulking and locking yourself in resentment, start reconciliation. Recognize when you have gone too far, apologize if your words could have been hurtful, do not wait for the other to take the first step to initiate the truce.
Distribute tasks and delegate
If you want it to be a vacation for everyone, including yourself, become an organization pro and delegate as much as possible. Always remember that the more you do things for others, the less reason they have to do it! If one does the shopping at the supermarket, the other goes to the market. If one tidies the rooms, the other manages the common room. If one cleans the bathroom, the other does the dishes …
Favor simple meals that you can prepare together, brunches in the morning, picnics and salads at noon, barbecues, large pasta dishes, pancakes and pancakes in the evening. The goal of negotiation is that everyone participates according to their affinities. Don’t shut yourself up in silence, don’t keep secret accounts like: “I’ve set the table ten times, he has to go to the supermarket ten times, I accepted this, he has to do that”. Mathematical logic is irrelevant in a relationship, so don’t fall into the give-and-take trap. Clearly ask for what you want.
Instead of reproaching your companion for not having “spontaneously” thought of emptying the dishwasher, why not ask him directly? Instead of imagining that your sweetheart is going to guess your thoughts, why not tell him frankly what would make you happy? “Asking rather than blaming” should be the golden rule for all couples who want their relationship to flourish, whether on vacation or not.
Make time for yourself
If the subject “Who does what at home” is thorny, the subject “What activity do we do today?” is no less. While it is nice to plan activities to do all together, it is a good idea to also offer activities in small separate groups. We are not all fans of bike rides or shrimp fishing at low tide … Taking turns on an afternoon at the beach / sunbathing / dipping while the other takes care of the children is a good way. to relax… not always the same, of course!
Remember to take a little daily break, a reading or relaxation break, a jog, a nap in the shade of the trees, just for you. Study all the possible solutions together and choose the one that does not harm either one or the other. If he loves fat mat ‘and you sports, reconcile your two contradictory natures. Play your tennis while he naps with the kids. Be careful not to fall into frenzied activism, after all, vacations are made for rest. If your darling prefers to bask in the sun rather than organize a sandcastle competition or sit on the terrace to read his newspaper and sip an aperitif while you bathe, stay zen. Negotiate with him that he takes care of the children while you go hunting at the flea market …
It is not because we are in a relationship that we are one. Everyone retains their freedom and free will, everyone is responsible for their actions and choices. If you feel like you’re not enjoying your vacation because you don’t have a second of your own, say so. Ban phrases like “It’s your fault I’m having a bad vacation,” and replace them with “What can I do to feel more fulfilled? “, Or” What do I want to change? »Become a communication pro taught in communication workshops. When you are upset or angry, express your feelings in the first person, replace each “You are lazy, you are selfish”, with “I am angry, it makes me sad”. This basic technique can help you preserve your relationship.
Awaken your loving bond
Before, you loved backcountry trips, improvised one-on-one evenings, hikes on steep trails, the beach all day … But that was before! When you are parents of toddlers, the regular and unchanging rhythm of meals, naps and bedtime is difficult to accommodate spontaneity and the unexpected. Here again, the question of schedules, strict or not, variable or not, is a pretext for many marital disputes! On vacation, it’s good to loosen up the gears and change your habits a bit. You can have lunch later if you go on an excursion, possibly skip a nap, have a huge snack, nibble on crisps as a meal, go out for an evening or two with the family to see the fireworks or eat an ice cream.
But becoming parents does not mean drawing a line in your married life. One of the solutions to find a little privacy is to go out on a romantic date from time to time. Give yourself some air, give your child to a babysitter to go to dinner with your partner, go out with friends. Even if it is tempting, do not take advantage of these occasions to take stock of your relationship, put on the table everything that is wrong, bring out the files that you have not dealt with during the year. Instead, take advantage of these balmy summer evenings and savor the happiness of being together. Best of all, don’t worry if your nights aren’t as scorching as the magazines claim!
If there is a devastating myth for many couples on vacation, it is that of the so-called summer “sexual reunions”. Certainly, in both men and women, intense sunlight boosts the secretion of testosterone, the desire hormone. Certainly, with the heat, the muscles relax, the skin warms up and the naked and tanned bodies invite sensuality. But accumulated fatigue does not encourage sexual performance, you must first sleep and recharge your batteries because sexuality requires energy. Apply sunscreen to each other, caress each other, kiss each other, take each other by the hand, by the neck, be tender to each other, do small massages of the scalp, the feet … In short, purr together. The rest will come next.