The theme of adultery is eternal, as is the feeling of love that brings us to the altar. Perhaps “being together in sorrow and joy” is enough for a marriage to take place, and sharing a bed only with a spouse is not at all necessary?
The prospect of legalizing polygamy for Muslims in Russia has been seriously discussed recently, however, according to VTsIOM polls, only 33% of citizens supported the idea, and 87% of Russians categorically deny such a possibility for Russian families1. However, these figures may well be called the “official position”. In fact, exclusivity in relationships is not always and not for everyone an indisputable value. For example, in today’s popular “partner marriage,” spouses live together, raise children, pay mortgages, and share other responsibilities, but at the same time openly meet with other partners. And in alliance with the speaking name “sex-wife”, a woman’s right to cheat is immediately stipulated. Moreover, the spouse is free to watch, listen to, or participate (at will) in the “illegal” act. Research conducted in February of this year showed that half of the respondents are not ready to take one or another position on issues of infidelity, guided by the fact that “different situations happen in life, and each must be considered separately.” However, women are convicted of adultery more often than men.2. The question involuntarily arises: has something changed with the very concept of marriage, or have people just learned to negotiate?
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- Who cheats more often?
Monogamy is a thing of the past
“In communities where there is a serious gap between the poor and the rich, polygamy is practiced more often, and among the most status men,” notes psychologist Elena Stankovskaya. – For a man, entering into a “non-exclusive” relationship means a variety of sexual relationships, and for a woman it gives access to obtaining resources in order to provide for herself and the child. In economically homogeneous communities, people are more likely to practice monogamous relationships.”
Interestingly, the dependence of the frequency of cheating on the material well-being of women is inversely proportional: the lower the wealth, the higher the tendency to infidelity. Perhaps this is how a woman defends her right to love? Be that as it may, to suspect only husbands of infidelity is yesterday: today women feel on an equal footing with men in this matter.
“The tendency to polygamy does not depend on the gender of the partner, but on his personal and physiological characteristics. For example, narcissistic personalities or people with attachment disorders will cheat more often. The same can be said about testosterone – men and women with elevated levels of the hormone show approximately the same desire for polygamous relationships, – says Elena Stankovskaya. – A factor that helps to remain faithful, on the contrary, is a high ability for empathy (and this is also not related to gender). When infatuation passes and other sexual and emotional temptations arise, guilt and anxiety often keep us from cheating – a direct consequence of the fact that we can imagine and feel in the place of a deceived partner, take his experiences into account. If our ability to empathize is low, then we will not worry that we are hurting our partner, and it will be easier for us to give in to the impulse.
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- “We were both sexually inexperienced and extremely naive”
Tangible Benefits
According to Elena Stankovskaya, each type of relationship has its pros and cons. The obvious advantages of the “classic” form of marriage are reliability and protection from the torments of jealousy (and therefore protection of one’s self-worth), a high level of trust and intimacy in relationships, satisfaction of the need for belonging, satisfaction of sexual needs in relatively safe conditions. At the same time, the relationship “you are only mine, and I am only yours” not only limits the freedom and variety of sexual experience, but also implies a degree of emotional closeness and intimacy that some people do not want. In turn, non-monogamous relationships are sometimes chosen by a partner because they reduce the fear of losing the relationship. In the “exclusive” model, the partner becomes literally indispensable, which means that the possibility of breaking up with him increases the feeling of anxiety, fear of suffering. In non-monogamous relationships, a person always has a “fallback option” that reliably insures him from isolation.
“Exclusive” sexual relationships are the ideal and the norm. This opinion is shared by the absolute majority of people in Europe, Asia and the United States,” explains Elena Stankovskaya. More than 90% of Americans rate extramarital sex “always” or “almost always” negatively3. Another thing is noteworthy: the “exclusive” model of sexual relations paradoxically coexists with other facts. Thus, between 20 and 25 percent of married Americans have had sexual relations with other than their spouses; 20 to 60% of teenagers admit to cheating on their partners. Family counselors also report that 50 to 65% of clients turn to them after discovering adultery,” concludes Elena Stankovskaya.
Like love, loyalty can be interpreted in different ways. If there is an agreement in a relationship about the right to choose lovers, this can hardly be called treason. If there is no such agreement, but there is treason, this relationship can hardly be called love. It remains only to try on various types of marriage unions and choose what seems to you the only possible one.
Read more:
- “If you go to a psychologist, our marriage is doomed”
- Survive infidelity and stay together
1 For more information, see the VTsIOM website.
2 For more information, see the VTsIOM website.
3 P. England, P. Alison »When one spouse has an affair, who is more likely to leave?«, Demographic Research, vol. 30, online publication dated February 26, 2014.