We all hope to meet an ideal life partner with whom we can share hobbies, life, difficulties and joys. But can such an ideal be found? What is important when choosing? How to understand that you can live with this person all your life? About this psychologist Katerina Safronova.
Often, starting a relationship is hindered by the desire to find “the one”. To meet the perfect person with whom we will definitely be happy and never divorce. Making mistakes over and over again, we blame ourselves: we didn’t foresee everything, miscalculated, next time we need to approach the choice even more seriously. But life is unpredictable.
Therefore, in order to build a healthy relationship, you need to get rid of stereotypes and frames, figure out what is really important.
Statics
Before getting married, you need to understand whether you match with a possible partner in basic, static parameters. There are only three of them:
1. Life
2. Sex
3. Worldview
Life
Consent between spouses in matters of everyday life is very important. We spend most of our time at home with our families, so neither passionate sex nor common views of the world as a whole will save a marriage if you quarrel over trifles every day. Cleanliness in the house, family budget, eating habits, daily routine, hygiene — all this should not cause controversy.
If one of the partners loves order, hangs towels in a line, washes the floor every day, neatly puts things in the closet, and the other throws cups of unfinished coffee anywhere, does not wash the dishes, walks in shoes on a freshly washed floor, such a family will definitely encounter with difficulties. If one spouse gets up at half past six, goes for a run, eats exceptionally healthy food, and the other spends nights at the computer desk, eats pizza and sleeps until dinner, then sooner or later a conflict will most likely arise on this basis. And for someone who likes to spend, it will be difficult to get along with someone who is used to saving.
Of course, you can agree, let them throw socks around, turn a blind eye to unwashed dishes. But sooner or later, discontent will find a way out. Therefore, it is better to deal with everyday habits “on the shore”, before you put on wedding rings.
Sex
Sexual life in a couple is no less important. If you want to make love once a month, and your partner every day, if you are being experimented on, and his is an exclusively “missionary” position, it will be difficult to come to a compromise. Disagreements in sex often lead to physical and moral dissatisfaction.
Its result can be violence against oneself or constant betrayal. Sexual intimacy helps spiritual. Therefore, problems in sex can destroy even the strongest marriage.
World view
One decision to live in peace and harmony is not enough. It is better for you and your partner to find out right away on which issues a compromise is impossible. For example, if you want to go to the village, and he loves the bustle of the city, if you do not want children, but he does not see family life without them.
Most likely, faced with such contradictions, the couple will break up. Or one of the spouses will have to give up their views in order to save the relationship. But such a marriage will not be equal, one will constantly feel that his position has been neglected.
If the questions are not fundamental for you, for example, you can easily move abroad or stay in the country, then there will be no problem. Otherwise, the relationship is likely to end in parting.
Dynamics
I am often asked the question: “Is it possible to find out in advance how suitable we are for each other?” I answer: «Only in part.» You can find out when your partner gets up, whether he cleans up after himself. At the very beginning of a relationship, there is an opportunity to figure out what the chosen one is in bed. Does he love animals, children, is he ready to live with elderly parents. But there’s a lot you don’t know ahead of time. Because people change. The same person can behave differently depending on the situation.
Relationships are a dynamic process that develops according to certain laws. There is no guarantee that a partner who was originally «ideal» will not change over time or due to circumstances. For example, after the birth of a child, dismissal or illness. To save a relationship, both partners must work. Interest, involvement, passion for each other are important. We must understand that the degree of involvement in a relationship may decrease.
You need to feel when and why cooling occurs, why a caring and faithful partner suddenly changes, starts flirting with others, finds fault with trifles, gets angry and argues. I often hear from clients: “He is selfish! He doesn’t care about me! He thinks only of himself!” But it is natural for a person to think first of all about himself.
In order for him to start thinking about someone else, this other must occupy his thoughts and feelings. The degree of selfishness depends on the degree of involvement in the relationship. Your partner may be an egoist for some, and an altruist for others. Surely you are familiar with situations when a woman behaves disgustingly with one man, cheats on him and humiliates him, and becomes complaisant, faithful and modest with another.
Even if you matched on three basic parameters, no one can promise that feelings will not change, that in many years you both will still need this relationship. It is important to be able to interest a partner, even if you have been living together for a long time. Captivate him, light him up, fall in love with him again. And most importantly, always remember that even after a period of cooling, feelings can flare up again — if both partners want it.