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Despite the fact that love works wonders, there are some things that it cannot do. We cannot change the character traits that define the personality of our beloved. Most likely, attempts will end with the fact that the relationship is destroyed. But even if we assume that we will eradicate the features of his nature that we hate, we will have to be prepared for the fact that we will face another person. Not at all the one we loved. Experts have collected character traits and inclinations of a partner, in respect of which it is important to find a compromise.
1. Bonding with family
In a well-known joke: we do not marry a partner, but his entire family – there is a lot of truth. Feelings about the next of kin can be very deep and will not change, no matter how much we would like him to communicate with them less and devote more time to our union.
“If you can’t get into his close-knit family, then any attempts to win a partner over to your side and convince him to spend less time with loved ones are likely to be doomed,” says interpersonal relationship coach Chris Armstrong. – And vice versa: it is important to give your partner the freedom not to attend family meetings as often as you do. A sense of family is important, but still not at the expense of relationships with a loved one.
2. Introversion / extroversion
Opposites do attract, but only up to a point. One day you will want a partner who loves silence and solitude to support your desire to spend several evenings in a row away from home. “You can’t change a person’s temperament,” warns psychologist Samantha Rodman. “If, despite the psychological polarity, you decide to be together, you have to give each other the freedom to be yourself.”
3.Hobby
Our interests, which have nothing to do with professional realization, help to maintain internal balance. “We lose a sense of fulfillment and control over our own lives if we lose what we do not for the sake of making money, but solely for our own pleasure,” says Chris Armstrong. “If at the beginning of a relationship it seems to you that your lover devotes too much time to skiing, ballroom dancing or pets, you should not assume that this will change when you begin to live together.”
4. Aggression management
If the person with whom you intend to build a relationship explodes over insignificant issues that could easily be resolved peacefully, you should not hope that love can change this. “This is a problem that needs to be taken seriously from the outset,” said Carl Pilmar, professor of sociology at Cornell University and bestselling author of XNUMX Advice for Lovers. “Aggression and intemperance are qualities that will only get worse over the years.”
5. Religious views
“Often the problem of non-coincidence of religious views is discovered only after the birth of children. “Even if the partner did not talk about his beliefs before, with the advent of children, he wants them to be brought up in a spiritual tradition close to him,” says Samantha Rodman. “If the other partner holds other religious views, turns out to be an atheist or agnostic, most likely he will not support the idea that beliefs alien to him are instilled in the child.”
6. The need for solitude
You strive to spend every free minute together, while a loved one needs their own space. “The need for a partner to be alone can be read as something that you are rejected, and respond painfully,” explains Chris Armstrong. – Meanwhile, the time spent apart allows you to maintain the novelty of feelings, the individuality of each, which ultimately only strengthens the union.
When people are constantly together, one of them may have the feeling that the relationship is the only thing they are doing. This causes internal resistance in the partner, who needs more time for himself in order to reflect on the new experience, to realize the changing desires and needs.
7. The need for planning
You need to carefully plan every step, while the partner prefers spontaneous decisions in everything. At first, this difference can be beneficial to the relationship: one side helps the other to live in the present and feel the beauty of the moment, the other gives confidence in the future and comfort from the fact that much turned out to be well prepared.
“It seems that these are not the kind of polar opposites in views that can destroy relationships. However, it all depends on the severity of these mismatches, warns clinical psychologist Jill Weber. – If you spend all your energy trying to convince each other how to spend the weekend and whether it is necessary to carefully plan the family budget, this will inevitably lead to conflicts. Such a difference is associated with the characteristics of the psyche, and you will never change in a person his way of gaining psychological security and comfort.
8. Attitude towards children
If at the beginning of the meetings he honestly says that he does not want children, you should believe this. “Hoping that his views will change as your relationship develops is likely not to pay off,” says Armstrong. – It is quite natural when a person warns that he is ready to have children only when he is confident in his partner, having lived with him for a certain time. However, if you hear that he is against becoming a parent, and this is at odds with your desires, it is worth considering the future of such a relationship.
9. Sense of humor
“My work with couples who have lived together for a long time suggests that many future problems can be predicted by asking a single question: do people find the same things funny? Carl Pilmer is sure. A similar sense of humor turns out to be a good indicator of a couple’s compatibility. If you laugh together, then most likely you have the same views on the world, and you will treat more serious things in a similar way.