Keeping a partner “on a short leash”, overloading with your problems, trying to make a “normal person” out of him … What other mistakes can cost you a relationship?
Problems “in private life” – one of the most frequently discussed topics in the office of a psychologist. It happens that a couple comes to therapy, but more often the partner who is more worried about the situation that has arisen turns to a specialist. Or a person who cannot build a relationship with anyone at all (and the goal in this case is to understand why this happens and what to do about it).
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo recalls a client with a similar request: The man was focused on a long-term alliance, marriage, family, and children, but his longest relationship lasted only two years. In theory, he imagined what a healthy relationship should be like, and what a good partner should be, and asked the psychologist to share … “bad advice” that would ruin any union. What the specialist did.
So what do the most effective ways to ruin a relationship look like?
1. Play games with a partner, manipulate
To be late for a date on purpose and make a person wait, not to respond to messages right away (after all, on the Internet they say that it is better to pause), to pretend indifference … If you want the union to be built on lies and manipulation from the very beginning, the flag is in your hands. If you’re aiming for a healthy relationship, don’t be afraid to let your potential partner know that you like them.
Yes, this is a risk, but this way you will save yourself a lot of time, nerves and effort. Don’t play cat and mouse with someone you like and run from the person who does this to you.
2. Break agreements
Healthy relationships are built on trust. So, having discussed your needs and expectations from each other, do not violate the agreements and this word. If something has changed for you, talk about it with your partner honestly and openly.
3. “Hang” all your needs, including emotional ones, on your partner
Counting on a partner to be there when you need help and support is okay. It is not normal to expect him to solve all your problems for you, and only take from him, but give nothing in return. If you need a loved one only for this, it’s time to think: perhaps a competent psychotherapist will be more useful?
4. Criticize your partner and swear in public
Joint life is impossible without conflicts. But making them public, even just discussing the sore at dinner in a restaurant, is the last thing.
5. Waiting for the other to learn to read minds
Talking about your feelings and experiences can be difficult. But even if you are a “silent person” by nature, you will have to learn this. Leaving your partner to guess what is on your mind, what is troubling you, is simply not fair. This is a direct road to disappointment and loneliness.
6. Trying to change partners
Well, if your loved one wears terrible skinny jeans, you can advise him on a different model of trousers – but only if he is ready to listen to your advice. You can try to help your loved one start eating better or even find a job.
But do not console yourself with the illusion that the partner will change and become a completely different person. You cannot change his previous experience, background, temperament and natural inclinations and hobbies. Don’t stay with someone just because they “have potential”. You either accept the person for who they are, or you don’t.
7. Lose yourself
Most likely, the partner chose you because you are you, with your history, interests, friends, charms and oddities (if not, see the previous paragraph). Dissolving in a partner and losing yourself in a relationship, you risk losing your former attractiveness in the eyes of a loved one. Not to mention that partners come and go, but you still have to live with you for the rest of your life.