6 Signs of a Healthy Love Relationship

“Love necessarily brings suffering”, “love is evil”, “romances usually end badly”, “love lives for three years” … Our culture is replete with ideas that associate love with suffering, and happiness with impermanence.

Today, however, psychologists are in no hurry to agree with this. Instead, they are trying to figure out what a love story should be, so that it does not destroy us, but, on the contrary, brings joy and satisfaction.

Most experts agree that the foundation of a healthy relationship is emotional and physical security, trust, warmth, and mutual support. We have expanded this list to six points, which are commented on by family psychologist and emotionally focused couples therapist Rimma Maksimova.

By trying these descriptions on your situation, you will understand how the current relationship suits you, and decide in which direction to move on.

1. You feel safe

The partner respects your physical integrity. A sense of security is the foundation of a healthy attachment. In the company of a partner, you can throw off the mask with complete trust and show your vulnerability. You feel that you are not manipulated, you are not threatened, on the contrary, you are respected.

When you meet after separation, your main feeling is joy. And in general, among the feelings that color your life together, there is more joy and pleasure, although there are also anger, fear, disappointment. But you can share these feelings with your partner and they won’t push you away. Together, you can understand where these feelings come from and heal the wounds from them.

If it’s not

Perhaps your relationship can be called pathological: it is harmful to you, but you cannot stop it. The intensity of emotions often indicates too close a connection and masks the discord in a relationship that is mistakenly considered «passionate.»

Tips

Know that a relationship that does not provide a sense of security will not provide it in the future. Try to identify the side benefit they bring to you. For example, the brightness of feelings and sexual experiences drowns out the feeling of inner emptiness. Try talking to your partner about things that are insecure about you. If he doesn’t hear you, don’t hesitate to enlist the help of a professional to see if your relationship has a future.

2. You are not afraid to disagree

You can object to your partner, express a different point of view. You do not feel that you have to control yourself, that you need to weigh every word so as not to get anger, aggression or devaluation in response. You believe that you can negotiate and everyone will be accepted and heard. You know that close and warm relationships require mutual effort and openness, and this is not a frozen structure, but a system that requires constant nourishment.

If it’s not

Perhaps you have a dominant partner. He is not confident enough in himself, he is trying to raise his self-esteem at your expense and therefore does not tolerate any contradictions. Or your way of expressing disagreement hurts him, he becomes defensive, and it seems to you that you cannot speak freely about anything.

Tips

Before you accuse your partner of tyranny, do some introspection. How do you express disagreement? Do you manage to talk about feelings, or do you also, defending yourself from feelings, attack your partner? Talk to him about how you need to be able to speak your mind to keep the relationship going. Perhaps this is not enough to defend their borders. Then you have to fight for yourself and your relationship.

3. You are not limited to the usual role.

You can show every facet of your personality without compromising your love. This flexibility speaks of a healthy relationship. You are not confined to a single role and do not label your partner, knowing how dangerous the illusion is that you have learned the other by heart. You feel free to change your tastes, opinions, habits, and you give the other the same freedom. You can change together, constantly rediscovering each other.

If it’s not

By confining ourselves to one role, we lose access to the riches of our personality and slow down the development of relationships. Estimate how much trouble «life under the label» gives you. Think about the labels you put on your partner. These games are often played together.

Tips

If you are out of breath, ask yourself what is comfortable and uncomfortable for you in this situation. Think about what bonuses your partner receives from the situation, how long ago and for what reason the label stuck to you. Why not emphasize with humor what is «out of the box» in your behavior?

Try to talk to your partner: how does he feel when you do this? Try to hear him and share your experiences when he does not allow you to leave your usual role. You have the right to allow yourself new things, change and act in accordance with your desires and needs.

4. You are listened to and supported

When you express your opinion or feelings, you feel that the partner is with you, that he listens to you and tries to understand. Your feelings and experiences are important to him. You can ask for and receive attention and support. You do not need to beg for it, the partner responds to your requests, as you do to his.

This attitude is called «understanding the heart.» Even if the partner does not always understand what upsets you, he is upset that you are upset, and it is important for him that you share this with him. Your personal problems do not remain only yours, but become common.

If it’s not

Perhaps everything goes well in your relationship only when the «weather at home» is good. For some, this is fine: they do not know how to provide support, they are afraid to make a mistake and feel the anger of a partner, or they themselves are overwhelmed by feelings and try to swim out on their own. But if one of the partners does not provide the other with attention and support, this inevitably causes heartache. The second partner feels unimportant and unnecessary.

Tips

To begin with, clearly articulate your needs, without expecting your partner to guess them. We think that the lover will read our thoughts, but this is a myth. Feel free to say that mutual support and attention for you are the basis of a relationship. You can also explain what kind of support you need: simple listening, encouragement, finding a solution, or something else.

If at this point your partner is unable to fully satisfy your need, look elsewhere for support (family, friends). Then be sure to return to the conversation about the importance of such assistance for you.

5. You are independent

You can communicate with friends and family, plan things, meet your needs on your own. Your partner does not become your parent or crutch. You know that as addiction grows, the fear of losing relationships increases, and then the need for them takes precedence over the desire. However, independence does not have an absolute value: each in a couple is independent in order to value closeness more. The couple must find a balance that suits everyone.

If it’s not

Perhaps your addiction is a temporary phenomenon, or you are not aware of it. Perhaps you chose her out of convenience or out of fear of being alone. It can also be the result of a relationship in which you are suppressed to make it easier to subdue you. You need to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of your position.

Tips

Well measure all the risks that addiction exposes you to. It doesn’t matter if it’s a material addiction, financial or emotional. By asking yourself the questions: “What is this addiction depriving me of?”, “How would I live on my own?”, “Why can’t I talk to my partner about this?”, You can move on to change the relationship if necessary.

6. You develop

Your relationship is the force that pushes you forward. They allow you to develop and rediscover yourself. Healthy emotional attachment is interdependence and is inherently healing, because it allows you to break the cycle of repeating painful experiences and heal some of the past wounds. You feel that you are appreciated and accepted without trying to remake.

If it’s not

You may be stuck in a negative relationship cycle or suffering from the fear of losing your value to someone you love. In any case, coercion, fear and suffering rob you of pleasure and the chance to be yourself calmly and freely.

Tips

As soon as you start not feeling too good in a relationship—for example, often feeling angry or sad, losing your temper, becoming defensive, or annoyed—you need to ask yourself questions about the feelings that make you feel aggressive or helpless and about the nature of your attachment. This research is often easier to do with the help of a professional.

It is important to remember here that nothing is inevitable in love: we agree to what happens to us ourselves, consciously or unconsciously.