“No one will love you the way I do!”, “If I am truly dear to you, you will do as I ask!” – familiar? Many of us hear these phrases from a partner in the heat of a quarrel: the pressure of a conflict situation makes him show his true character. But does a person who utters such words really love us deeply and sincerely? Hardly.
During therapy, Anna realized what a dysfunctional marriage had actually done to her. She thought that, having left her husband, she would finally feel free, but her mind remained a prisoner. Her husband was constantly rude to her: “You are nothing!”, “Yes, you can’t do anything!”, “There’s no sense in you,” – all these phrases constantly popped up in her memory. And, even worse, her ideas about love have changed radically.
Now she associated love with danger, vulnerability, lack of freedom, but she still wanted to feel loved again. This idea of love was associated not only with a failed marriage, but also with a painful experience from childhood. Her alcoholic mother never really loved her daughter, so Anna was always looking for someone to love her – and she always found the wrong people. This made her particularly vulnerable to her husband’s abuse.
Unfortunately, due to a difficult childhood and an unsuccessful marriage, Anna developed completely wrong ideas about love. They brought her a lot of grief. Sometimes even seemingly innocent phrases hide dangerous lies. Anna decided to compile a list of the misconceptions about love that were ruining her relationships with men.
1. “I will love you when you do what I ask”
Lie: love sets conditions. When we truly love, we do not evaluate the behavior of a partner, we see the best features in him, regardless of what he is doing at the moment. But this does not mean that one should tolerate cruel or inappropriate treatment. It is perfectly acceptable to set personal boundaries for the sake of security and to show unconditional love from a distance.
2. “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be so angry with you”
Lie: Love is cruel. The truth can be told gently without hurting a person’s feelings, scaring him or destroying his self-esteem. To someone we really love, we should treat with more sensitivity, sympathy and kindness than to a stranger or just a friend.
3. “If you love me, do what I ask right now”
False: love is impatient. Demanding immediate obedience, disrespect for the personal time of the other, irritation and impatience – this is not love. Each of us lives at our own pace. Love requires respect for the pace of the loved one, which usually depends on his character, motivation and past psychological trauma.
4. “You love children more than me!”
False: love is jealous. It is dangerous to compare who loves whom more. A parent’s love for a child is different from love for friends, spouses, parents, or pets. In each case, love is significant in its own way. To be loved means to be able to accept love in the form in which it is expressed, without being jealous.
5. “When you show me your love, I’ll show mine”
Lie: love keeps score. Counting the good and bad deeds of a partner is not love, but some kind of accounting. In such a situation, you constantly have to prove your worth in comparison with a partner. This drains strength and gradually destroys relationships.
6. “I don’t care if you feel loved/loved. The main thing is my feelings
Lie: Love is selfish. In today’s selfish society, the idea that the main thing in love is not you yourself, but your partner, has been largely lost. Very often, we think first of all about what we get from relationships, and not about what we can give ourselves. It interferes with the free expression of love.
7. “You MUST love me!”
False: Love compels. Nobody has to love anyone. Love should be a free choice, not an obligation. “Love under duress” is very limited, it turns into a dangerous weapon and leaves scars for life.
8. “No one will love you like I do”
False: Love is boastful. Such a phrase speaks much more about the uncertainty of the one who utters it than about the value of the one to whom it is addressed. This is an attempt to “put the partner in his place”, to force him to obey. The one who really loves a lot will not brag about it, his actions are louder than any words.
9. “If you love me, brush your teeth exactly the way I ask.”
Lie: Love is petty. Every day, our partner can perform hundreds of actions that annoy us with something. If we begin to find fault with these little things and demand that he change his habits, then we are not ready to accept and love him for who he is. True love allows you to ignore minor flaws and evaluate your loved one as a whole.
10. “After what you did, no one will love you”
False: love is touchy. Hearing this lie is the hardest of all, it clearly shows the hidden pain and resentment. Yes, some problems can lead to a break in relations, but you can leave peacefully and without resentment. If there is no talk of parting yet, it is very important to find a way to get rid of resentment and anger before they destroy your union.
11. “I’ll leave you because you don’t love me”
Lies: Love gives up easily. The one who truly loves will not give up so easily. True love means hope. But it’s perfectly okay to set personal boundaries so that you don’t get hurt in the future.
About the Developer
Christine Hammond – psychologist. Her .