To be understanding, but without permissiveness, consistent, but without rigidity. This is the solution that Zen Buddhism offers to parents seeking marital harmony. Here are some tips to make everyday life more serene.
Parents and Zen? These two concepts seem to be antonyms, the world of Zen Buddhism seems so far from the concerns of today’s fathers and mothers. Eternal haste, tension, guilt … there are enough reasons for stress. But that is precisely why the doctrine of getting rid of suffering can become an effective tool in everyday life.
What is its essence? This school bases its practice on simplicity and consistency. What is its originality? Zen encourages us to go off the beaten path, to learn from experience, to accept as right only that which has passed the test of reality.
«Heat, cold — that’s what you experience!» said Zen master Taisen Deshimaru to his students. Where to begin? Four practical tips are offered by psychotherapist Eric Pigani, author of several works that combine the ideas of Zen with the achievements of psychology, including the book translated into Russian, How to Keep Zen Calm in the Modern World.
1. Be authentic
“To find oneself is to forget oneself, to forget oneself is to find our true nature.” (Master Soto Dogen, XNUMXth century)
In our actions, we can only rely on what we are. It is useless to try to play the role of a model parent and show the best image of yourself, because these artificial tricks are only good for a while. Zen does not call for transformation in order to become better. He believes that our true nature is perfect. But parental guilt stems from the fact that we are who we are, no more and no better.
In our head we have an idea of the ideal parent we should be, the one our parents should have been (but weren’t). And we compensate for these gaps by creating violence against our nature. It is useless suffering, say the Zen masters.
Children should not be fooled by speech or role-playing
Cultivating authenticity means accepting your uniqueness, your past, and your choices, misconceptions, and mistakes without trying to rewrite history. It means practicing kindness rather than judgment towards oneself and others, accepting one’s emotions without clinging to them, and not trying to raise a child according to one’s desires, regrets, or remorse.
Situation
There are rumors of layoffs in your company. You are afraid for your workplace, you even began to sleep badly.
Temptation
Protect your child by hiding your worries, sadness, or worries from him. Or, on the contrary, make him your trusted interlocutor in order to free yourself from anxiety.
Voice of wisdom
Tell him simply, without going into details, that you have adult difficulties. And remind him, by giving examples from your own experience, that every problem always finds a solution with time and with the help of people you can count on.
2. Practice calmness
“A snowstorm disappears into the sea. What silence! (traditional koan)
Inner peace arises not from power over emotions, but from detachment, non-identification with them. Therefore, it is not about feigning serenity or keeping cool by suppressing anger or sadness. Practicing calmness with children does not mean stoically enduring all their crises and whims — it means making clear to them what is acceptable (their anger, their criticism, their resentment) and what is unacceptable (violence, insult, blackmail, threats).
For a parent, the true practice of calmness is in private, an opportunity to ask the question: Why do I need to scream to be heard? Why does his stubborn silence infuriate me?
If we create peace within and around ourselves, it allows us to clear stress and emotional pollution from outside, show respect for everyone’s thoughts and emotions, and clearly express our parental authority. Calm firmness is always the best response to shouting and anger. Moreover, a calm parent is a parent next to whom a child can survive his storms while maintaining a sense of security.
Situation
After a hard day — conflict in the family. Your child refuses to listen to you, screams, slams doors.
Temptation
Shout louder than him, threaten him, give him a beating.
Voice of wisdom
As it rages, calm down by taking a few deep breaths in and out through your nose. Then ask him to go to his room, if necessary, repeat this instruction several times without retreating. Let him calm down, then visit him. And ask him to state his arguments. Listen to him, accept what seems justified to you, then state firmly what is out of the question for you.
3. Live here and now
«Here and now, do not run away from your skin» (teacher Sekito Kisen, XNUMXth century)
«Here and now» is a key concept of Zen Buddhism is widely used in psychotherapy. And the Zen Buddhist approach to the nature of time has become one of the main themes of anti-stress techniques for personal development. Having tuned in to the present moment, to what is happening now, we interrupt the disturbing “mental chewing gum”.
For parents, the past is often a source of guilt and the future a source of anxiety. Delving into memories, we mentally repeat our actions, omissions, decisions, words, to the motive «if only …». By projecting ourselves into the future, we build catastrophic scenarios under the pretext of “prevention is better than cure.”
Both of these approaches are fruitless and unfounded, say Zen teachers.
The present is the only reality, the only place where we can live, love and make conscious decisions. To live here and now with your children means to live without remorse and prejudice. Living each moment with all your senses and doing only one thing at a time.
Situation
Bad grades, unfinished homework… Your child is only interested in video games and spends many hours in front of the TV.
Temptation
Deprive him of free time, punish him more often, describe to him the catastrophic scenario of the future that awaits him: unemployed, living on welfare, homeless.
Voice of wisdom
The main thing is not to project your anxieties about his future onto your child! Every evening, plan with him the course of his work (schedule, duration), check his work, ask him to answer your homework, emphasizing what he does well, and then allow him to rest as he wants.
4. Be an example
“Our life is a tool with which we test the truth” (teacher Thik Nat Khan, our time)
Teaching is primarily the transmission of personal experience. In Zen Buddhism, the transmission from teacher to student is done «from my spirit to your spirit», «from my soul to your soul». Traditionally, Zen does without words. Movement, look, the whole body speak of the right presence in oneself and in the present moment. The transmission is done by example, although this does not mean that one must be “exemplary” in the sense of “impeccable”.
What weight will the word of a master who speaks but does not act have?
The Zen parent will beware of demanding perfection everywhere and will be careful to demand from the child only what he himself practices. Is it any wonder that a child lacks curiosity if he lives under the sound of the TV turned on from morning to evening? Or that a child is aggressive when his parents communicate exclusively in raised tones?
If Zen seems harsh and sometimes even inhuman, it is only because it gives us no screen to hide behind. It makes us responsible for our every action, free at every moment to continue the path or turn back. The Zen parent leads by example because he is aware that actions speak louder than words.
Situation
Due to unforeseen circumstances, a weekend trip that the whole family has been dreaming of for several months is disrupted.
Temptation
Cursing, replaying upsetting thoughts in your head over and over again, blaming everyone to relieve tension, and then despair and give up.
Voice of wisdom
Gather the whole family to talk about the change in the situation, let everyone express their disappointment, their anger. Then brainstorm, collecting suggestions that will help you move on without feeling frustrated.