We are so often offered to diversify our intimate life in every way that sometimes it seems: in fact, the sexual minority are those who live with a regular partner and make love with him. And they like it, sexologist Yuri Prokopenko is sure.
Psychologies: Is there a way to find out who might become our permanent partner?
Yuri Prokopenko: It is interesting to have sex with someone with whom it is interesting without sex. If you are only interested in sex, and not the person himself, then the relationship will not last long, even if they are formally preserved. Sometimes we see married couples, but if we didn’t know that they were husband and wife, we wouldn’t have guessed: they don’t look at each other, and when they look, it’s without pleasure. And vice versa, in the crowd, our eyes catch happy couples — and we immediately understand that these two are just a couple, and not just accidentally together: they touch each other, talk, and there is light in their eyes. They are happy with each other…
How do we choose?
Pretty much unconsciously: smell, touch — that’s what happens to be paramount. I once led a psychotherapy group in which men and women learned to listen to their feelings. Blindfolded, talking is not allowed, only touching is allowed.
One participant then shares, “Many years ago, I had a passionate affair. My friend was wonderful. But we had to leave. Everyone who was after him — I don’t want to offend them … And today I found a wonderful man — the same feelings! My whole body vibrated and responded, I could not tear myself away from it, but I opened my eyes — no, and this is not the one. I’m desperate, what should I do?!» And the whole group answered her with one voice: “Close your eyes!” Sometimes it’s good to close your eyes…
How do the two manage to maintain interest years later?
For the other to be interesting, they need to be interested! Each of us is an inexhaustible ocean, a depth into which one can dive endlessly. The surface may seem monotonous, but it is worth going down below — and there are amazing, exciting secrets! ..
We open up to the other more and more and help him open up. This is selfishness and altruism at the same time.
If you are curious, asking questions to another, participating in his life, then this is better than any film or book. The more we are interested, the more interesting we find. It is equally important to express your love. Admire each other, praise, say “I love you” — not only with words, but with looks, gestures, deeds. And in bed, and anywhere. And do it not in exchange for something, but to start first, generously and disinterestedly.
What are the benefits of a permanent partnership?
Teamwork, as they say in sports or music. Team interaction. Understanding at a glance, the ability to pick up the topic. A duet played can perform more complex things, improvise beautifully. And those who have just met have yet to adapt to each other.
With a new partner, we take risks every time. Being rejected is one of the strongest fears, and there is also the risk of being disappointed over time. And when time has passed and we stay together, these fears go away. And we do not spend energy on them — it is all invested in interaction.
We open up to the other more and more and help him open up. This is both selfishness and altruism at the same time: the pleasure that we deliver to another becomes our pleasure. We do this not for ourselves, this is our gift to our beloved: we disinterestedly try to make him feel good. But when we see his pleasure, we receive his gratitude, does this leave us indifferent? We also experience incredible delight and spiritual uplift … and bodily too.
But what about the notorious novelty in sex?
Novelty is good when it is a manifestation of a sincere desire to give something new to a partner: “not to yourself, but to you.” If there is no human interest, then no technique will help. The hands should grow from the heart, and the genitals too. If there is no connection, nothing will work.
Women are often advised to experiment with positions, with erotic lingerie…
Let’s put the accents: it is not the poses and underwear that are important, it is important that the partners want the same thing. If they both like some kind of pose and they don’t want to change anything, then it’s good for them, why do they need our advice. And if they both want to try sex in the forest on fir cones, that’s all right too.
But if he wants, but she doesn’t, then in a “bad” pair they will be offended or angry with each other, and in a “good” pair they will look for a point of intersection of their interests — maybe on cones, but not in the forest, or, conversely, — in the forest, but on soft grass. They know how to talk to each other, so they will agree. With a permanent partner, it’s good that you don’t need to look for a common language with him, he has already been found.
How to learn to talk to each other?
Trial and error — there are no other recipes. We try and fail and try again, trying different things until it works. Patience and trust. It is important not to blame each other, not to suspect of some kind of bad intention, but to explain to yourself and ask about the other.
Restrictions are some kind of “I must have one partner” idea, not a feeling. Limitations are always in our head, and the body responds to desires
Probably, regular partners have to impose some restrictions on themselves, and few people like this today …
No, they just want to be together. In this sense, we do not impose restrictions on ourselves — society does. Sometimes we are openly told what is possible and what is not, and sometimes we are brought up in a way that is convenient for society. And then it may seem that we are limiting ourselves.
It’s easy to check: restrictions are some kind of idea “I must have one partner”, and not a feeling. You can check: what do I experience — «moral satisfaction» from the fact that I follow the principle, keep the promise, or joy, an influx of energy? Do I want to sing, laugh from this? Limitations are always in our head, and the body responds to desires.
But note: “permanent” is not always the same as the only partner.
Yes, «monogamous» couples are becoming less and less. On the one hand, this is a sign that the strength of internal bonds in a couple is decreasing, as well as their value. On the other hand, it is a sign that sexual relations have ceased to be equated with love according to the formula “whom I love, I sleep with; with whom I slept, I love him. Relationships in the style of “you never know who I sleep with — I love only you!” became possible.
Nevertheless, there are people who are faithful to each other, united on an unconscious level and interested in sex as a manifestation of human relations. Their bond only grows stronger with time.
How can you not lose yourself?
But we don’t become the same. And we don’t have to do the same thing at the same time. We are one organism. Imagine a walking person: his arms and legs perform different actions, and two legs also do not both step forward. And at the same time, all parts are connected, they do not act in the same way — but in concert. Such an organism can be a couple. And then cheating on a partner is like cutting the left hand with the right hand: after all, the essence is one.