Sometimes you want to somehow edit yourself, or something, improve, finally bring to mind. You’re trying, you’re dabbling. And then it turns out that it’s wasted. Because, trying to change yourself, you wanted too much to be “that’s how he (a) is”, but you forgot about yourself.
That’s how much you want your life to be considered unique, and you — unlike anyone else. You put your life on it, you just pull yourself away from mass culture, the intellectual mainstream, matrimonial schemes and gambling flash mobs with your teeth. You even plunge into the routine with your head held high — as if you have fresh styling, and you are in the pool. Your priceless inner world is hermetically sealed. And what is the result? You work like everyone else, travel everywhere, settle anywhere and — oh horror — you say what is expected of you.
Theoretically, you understand that your fate is unique and even, perhaps, enviable, but the picture of uniqueness for you personally appears only after a general cleaning of the territory. That is, when all the goals are achieved, the surrounding men are subdued, the children are reassured, and in complete silence, light steps of recognition and the sandalwood smell of prosperity are heard. Here you can evaluate the efforts expended, compare yourself with competitors on the field, boo the line judge, look in the mirror, in the end — but you may not have the strength for this. So your uniqueness will remain part of the family mythology, and you will ask yourself the same question — and why did I need all this? That’s what’s embarrassing.
And what to do — to throw it all halfway? In no case. First, what else to do after breakfast?
Second, there is good news. Namely: your uniqueness is not your concern. This is what others will think of you, comparing you with neighbors or movie characters — how lucky. The impression we make on others is sometimes very different from our own image of ourselves. Why is this news good? Because you can not really try and not worry. Your image is created somehow incomprehensibly indirectly, by some kind of ricochets, by secret ballot, by a complex exchange of simple stereotypes. Even if you have a clear talent drifting on the surface and it seems to you that the world is frozen in anticipation of the secrets of its existence in a mere mortal, you can be calm: apart from the possible glory that it suggests, those around you do not care about anything.
- Fear of being yourself
In addition, no one has canceled the well-known conclusion that our features are ambivalent, and which side will be better illuminated depends on the time of day, the local climate, the exchange rate — anything but you. For example, you look in the mirror and see a depressed, little-smiling chicken in widow-colored knitwear (your self-image). In the bureau where you work, you are recommended to a new employee as a serious advanced expert. “Look — he dresses very European — always in gray or beige. Slightly on my mind, but in the sense of secrets — the grave. Social networks are ignored. Original…”
Or: why lie to yourself, you are a lazy spender, you don’t know the price of money, the choice between the fifth swimsuit and a new filter in the kitchen is not a choice for you at all. You work only under a contract during the cold season. Now, pay attention, the correct answer is: generous, picky, knows where all the most beautiful comes from, understands the art house, googles only expensive common areas. Mysterious. Everyone is saving up for two cups of coffee to get your attention.
Or vice versa: everything is in order with self-esteem. You are hospitable, attentive, sympathetic and frank. If someone needs to clarify about good and evil — this is for you. You only speak the truth. You read tarot cards. The apartment is always in order. For some reason no one calls you. Answer: a nice girl, but not for communication. He says what he thinks, and this is not always pleasant. Nerd. Etc.
Or: you have a lot of complexes, but now is a bright period. Let’s say you discovered somewhere on the mezzanine the meaning of life, and you suffered. You dress like never before, you communicate — just give. The smile never leaves your face even in your sleep. Friended 200 people on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia). Confuse day with night and do not hesitate to rejoice in it. Answer: freak. It is better not to lend.
It is interesting that as soon as I, doubting my own uniqueness, start copying someone’s style, manner of communication, or some, God forbid, economic principles, something like a theater turns out. And the fact that someone — and suddenly! — sculpts from me — handwriting, intonations, a system of relations with the world — I will never know at all. Not because they won’t tell me, but because it will be like nothing else. Including me. Was there a chance to see your own portrait by a gifted artist? So how? Much in common?
- Irvin Yalom: «Creativity gives meaning to life»
There is such a lifestyle — an open house. So the doors do not close, but on holidays — in general, come whoever you want. Fun, sincere, a lot of friends, everyone loves you. Once I tried that. And what — the apartment allowed, I like to cook. True, by the beginning of the party, my strength left me and I communicated at the level: who needs tea, who needs coffee? For some reason, the search for extra chairs completely demoralized me. All evening I was worried that I did not have enough glasses for wine. Small talk, as well as intimate conversations, flickered on the periphery of my attention, and when I, pulling off rubber gloves, pressing the phone to my ear, generously left a couple of girlfriends to spend the night, my son said quietly: calm down, mother, this is not yours. Come on like before.