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Simba, you have deeply disappointed me! You almost died. You deliberately disobeyed me! And besides, you put Nala at risk!
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Of course, our children do not always obey us. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. How to react to it?
Do not work — heavy endless persuasion, impulsive accusations, swearing and unsystematic punishments. Also meaningless are situations in a family where parents pretend to be watching, and children pretend to obey. It is completely stupid to complain and get upset, to play the Victim and the Martyr.
It is more effective to create a response system, supplement it with unexpected improvisations. Alternate the system of reinforcements with negotiations-discussions and prepared showdowns.
Simba disobeyed his father
A fragment from the cartoon «The Lion King» is a good version of a father’s conversation with his son, who disobeyed him. Type — prepared disassembly. Sequence of actions: Designation of the topic of conversation and your feelings. Forcing the situation. Setting the format for a serious conversation. A stern reprimand with love: an enumeration of mistakes and sins, but in this enumeration one can hear concern for those we love. When (and if) the son admitted his guilt and mistakes (sincerely), we soften the situation and translate it into instruction for the future. Switching to something warm and unifying. See →
Nelly will hurry!
A girl of four years old runs along the track, where athletes train on the boards. This is dangerous, her mother shouts to her: «Nellya, run to me» — Nelya continues to run where she has fun. Mom shouts: “Nellya, run to me immediately!” — Nelly zero attention. Mom is already yelling: “Run here quickly, otherwise I’ll kill you!” Nell slowly began to move towards her mother. She ran, her mother pulled her hand, scolded: “Why don’t you listen to me?” — and they went together to buy ice cream …
What did your daughter learn? That mom needs to be obeyed, but not necessarily right away. And even better, if not right away, then mom will scream, and this is more fun … Could mom have acted differently? Yes, she could, and probably even should have acted differently. It’s not hard.
At first, everything was the way my mother did — shout loudly and confidently: “Nellya, come to me!” If it doesn’t fit, you can shout loudly again, or you can run up to your daughter yourself to get her out of a dangerous place. The following is important — after the mother and daughter were together, without any twitching of the hands, the mother needs to sit down in front of her daughter and, looking into her eyes, carefully and calmly ask: “Nellya, please tell me, I called you — why didn’t you come to me right away?» — and wait for an answer. Wait for an answer. Perhaps Nelly will not want to answer right away, she will be silent. Mom will ask the same question again, just as calmly looking into her daughter’s eyes: “Tell me, why didn’t you come up to me right away when I called you?” Sooner or later, the daughter will answer something, for example: “I was interested there!”
It is obvious that she understands everything, but she is trying to play the fool. To this you need to say: “Yes, it was interesting there, but what should you do if I called you seriously and loudly?” — “Come…” — “That’s right. Should I approach right away or run some more at the beginning?” — “Immediately …” — “Thank you, daughter, you already understand everything. In vain I don’t call you, but if I call you, you need to run up to me right away. Ask your forgiveness and promise that next time I won’t have to shout to you several times, you will come to me right away … ”- That’s it, the situation has been resolved well.
If this happens again (this is quite possible), everything repeats just as calmly, only it is added: “Tell me, what should I do if next time you suddenly do not fulfill your promise?” — and the daughter, together with her mother, agree on some kind of reasonable punishment. When a mother looks her daughter in the eyes and expects her daughter to answer her every question reasonably, everything is really decided. Soon, mom does not even need to scream, her daughter will run up as soon as she was asked about it.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.