Your child and his success (S. Beletskaya)

Abstract

From this book you will learn how to build a trusting relationship with your child, how to communicate with him so that he shares with you both joys and difficulties. You will receive foamy advice and recommendations that will help you raise a person with high self-esteem, an active life position, motivated to succeed, able to build relationships with people and solve any life problems.

The book contains many fascinating stories, examples from life, funny illustrations. Of particular value are exercises that will help your child better understand himself, develop his abilities, see his strengths, and you learn how to communicate effectively with him. The book is intended for parents of children from 3 to 15 years old, but will also be of interest to kindergarten teachers and teachers.

I am grateful to you that you were born to me (address of a mother to her child)

I am grateful to my family for their support and faith in me.

It is very important to teach a child three actions — to read, write, count. This was done (and it must be admitted, very successfully) by the entire Soviet pedagogy. This is done by 98% of thinking parents and educators of the entire post-Soviet space. And I tell them: Well done! The main thing is not to overdo it. Our boys and girls are made not only of numbers and letters. They consist of joy and sorrow, sympathy and hatred, pride and envy, trial and error, hope and shock. If you help your child understand this, direct him to the path of knowing YOURSELF, then you yourself will be able to say to yourself “BRAVO!”

foreword

Not so long ago, just over 100 years ago, Leo Tolstoy said: “Education is a forced, violent influence of one person on another … Education is the desire of one person to make another the same as himself. (The desire of the poor to take away wealth from the rich, the feeling of envy of the old when looking at fresh and strong youth, is a feeling of envy elevated into a principle and theory). In other words, according to the great writer and teacher, we, adults, sinful and corrupted, have nothing to give to the new generation. We only envy the baby and interfere with him with our frail attempts to influence him, but the child is perfect from birth.

Agree, it sounds bold and scandalous. In fairness, it should be noted that Count Tolstoy was only a spokesman for ideas that were simply in the air in the second half of the XNUMXth century, and not only here. Oscar Wilde — a man very far from both Russia and pedagogy, in the novel «The Picture of Dorian Gray» was in solidarity with Lev Nikolaevich: “Good influence does not exist. Any influence is already immoral in itself… To influence another person means to transfer your soul to him. He will start thinking not with his own thoughts, burning with his own passions … He will become an echo of someone else’s melody, an actor acting in a role that was not written for him.

On the one hand, these words are confusing, they feel some far from youthful maximalism, but, on the other hand, if we think carefully, we will see that there is some truth in these sayings! How to deal with all these? In general, it must be admitted that pedagogy is an interweaving of extremes. If you look closely at her story, then even an inexperienced observer will see that it is full of throwing and maximalism, theories that are rigidly focused on one side, on a one-sided approach to the child. I think that this is not accidental, because it is always easier to follow extremes than to look for a middle ground. And this applies not only to the educational sphere.

However, today, at the beginning of the XNUMXst century, we have accumulated enough knowledge and experience to finally determine the principles of pedagogy of the golden mean, move away from extremes and maximalism in relations with children and begin to treat them not as unintelligent creatures, but as our teachers. and companions along the path of life.

Quite often, during my lectures for parents, I hear the question: “Why do we, in fact, have children? Why should we strain, change our well-established, comfortable life, adjusting to the little tyrant? Supporters of the childfree movement (English free from children), which appeared in America in the 70s and gained popularity in the 90s of the twentieth century, say: “You only think that you have a child. In fact, he has you.»

The followers of this idea equate the concepts of «parenthood» and «victim», they are convinced that, having become parents, we bring our bright, vibrant life to the altar, and in return we get only problems. I’ve been hearing this kind of reasoning more and more lately. My 28-year-old friend asked in surprise: “What child? When? I have so many plans in life. A child is a complete degradation.” It is difficult for me, who has been engaged in pedagogy for almost 20 years, to understand and accept such a position. But it exists, and it is impossible not to reckon with it. But you can argue with her! ☺

I’ll start with one Sufi parable (Sufis are Eastern wandering sages). It says that a person in his development goes through the stages of a camel, a lion and a child. At the camel stage, he obeys the rules, carries the load of worries and does not resist circumstances. Like a camel crossing the desert, it has a large margin of safety. But when his patience and strength run out, he becomes a lion. Now he actively resists circumstances, fights for justice, reaches certain heights. And then he suddenly realizes that everything is vanity, that what he devotes his life to, moves him away from the truth, and his life, despite achievements and external meaning, is devoid of something main, simple and harmonious. And then the lion becomes a child: he looks at life with open eyes, sees the beauty in the little things that he had not noticed before, rediscovers the world and his own possibilities.

The moral of this fable is that that a child’s worldview is the wisest, a person comes to it over the years. The educator, developing a CHILD in himself through communication with children, can reveal his creative abilities, flexibility of thinking, richness of emotions, joyful perception of life. In other words, for a thinking and open adult, children in general and each individual child will help to take a broader look at the world, at themselves, at their essence and at human nature in general.

Modern psychologists recognize that an adult who lacks «childish» qualities is prone to depression and illness, and he ages faster. People who, while successfully developing the qualities of an adult, retain the qualities of a child, have unlimited possibilities in everything they do. Therefore, an adult communication with a child is just as necessary as a child with an adult. Life with children contributes to the revival of childish qualities in an adult.

It is interesting that esotericists argue in the same vein. They say that a child is not accidentally born in a particular family. Through the child, parents work out their life lessons, each parental couple gets the child they deserve. Osho, the famous Indian philosopher, writes curiously about this: “You give birth to a child corresponding to your state of love. If parents are disappointed in their child, they should think about it: they deserve such a child… The male sperm and the female egg can only create the possibility for the soul to enter, they create the possibility for the body for some soul to be embodied in it. But you will only attract such a person as your sexual activity makes possible. Parents will respect the child. The child is a guest from the unknown and you must respect the guest. Parents who do not respect their children are sure to ruin their lives. Your gratitude, your love, your respect — «You chose us as parents» — will receive in return even deeper respect and love.

The great Indian mystic argues in such an unusual direction for us. Interestingly, I heard a kind of confirmation of his theory from the lips of a friend. With surprise, he said that when his son was 4 years old, he said: “I chose you. I flew over the earth and saw you with your mother on the balcony. You were kissing. And I liked you so much that I decided that you would be my parents.

Two completely different sources, but the idea is the same. Maybe it’s worth thinking about it? Each of us decides independently whether to believe or not believe, to remain a materialist or to move to esoteric positions. In this case, something completely different is important, the conclusion from all the above “philosophizing” is as follows: in the XNUMXth century, adults appeared who were ready for a dialogue with childhood, understanding the principles of pedagogy of the golden mean.

This book is for those who consider themselves as such, and for those who want to join the ranks of educators of the golden mean.

On these pages, we’ll walk you through how to:

• build a trusting relationship in which the child is ready to discuss his problems with you;
• help the child realize his uniqueness, love himself, believe in himself;
• to teach the child to express their emotions, to manage negative feelings, such as anger or envy;
• help the child feel comfortable in any team, be able to be part of the group and at the same time maintain their individuality;
• to teach the child to make decisions and evaluate the consequences of their decisions;
• help the child recognize their strengths and accept their weaknesses;
• teach your child to praise themselves for achieving their goals and to benefit from their mistakes.

I often begin my lectures with two quotes from great writers of the XNUMXth century. The excerpts may be a bit long, but I cannot resist the temptation to reproduce them in this book too, they are too good. Here listen:

— … You are a different person who wants to be the same as everyone else. And this, from my point of view, is a dangerous disease.

Is it dangerous to be different?

— No, it’s dangerous to try to be like everyone else: it causes neurosis, psychosis, paranoia. It is dangerous to want to be like everyone else, because it means raping nature, going against the laws of God, who in all the forests and groves of the world has not created even two identical leaves.

Paulo Coelho. «Veronica Decides to Die»

… I would probably help them (children) get rid of everything that their parents inspired in them, even if their parents managed to inspire them only that the ELEPHANT IS BIG, I would make them forget that too. After all, an elephant is big only next to someone — for example, with a dog or with a woman … Let them approach the elephant, knowing about him no more than the elephant knows about them. It’s the same with grass and everything else. I would not even begin to say that the grass is green. Color is just a name. To tell them that the grass is green means to prepare them for the fact that it is necessarily the way you see it, and no other. But THEIR grass may turn out to be no worse than yours, maybe much better.

Jerome D. Salinger. «Teddy»

Amazingly wise words, isn’t it? In my opinion, they contain a brilliant answer to the main question of pedagogy. What is the purpose of our education? What do we want to pass on to our children? Using the images of Salinger and Coelho, we can say: an adult needs to help a child discover his uniqueness, create his own biography, live his own life, realize his own desires and adventures, “see his grass and his elephant.”

Sounds nice, doesn’t it? But how to put it into practice? What specifically can we do to make our children feel unique and unrepeatable? How can you help them be happy and successful? To answer these questions, I dedicate my book for caring educators.

Throughout the book, I will constantly use the concept of i-concept. Therefore, it makes sense to dwell on it and briefly define what others write dissertations about. ☺

So what do scientists say? The well-known psychologist Robert Burns argues that the self-concept determines not only what a person is, but also what he thinks about himself, how he looks at his active principle and development opportunities in the future. An important role in the formation of self-esteem is played by the comparison of the image of the real «I» with the image of the ideal «I», that is, with the idea of ​​​​what a person would like to be. A high degree of coincidence of the real self with the ideal is considered an important indicator of mental health.

Now, with this theory in mind, let’s take a close look at our child’s daily life. We will immediately discover that it is filled, and often overflowing, with learning activities, which are a continuous chain of risk situations: writing a report, reciting poetry, answering at the blackboard, etc. In all these situations, the child risks being offended, criticized, and receive disapproval. , refusal and even be punished.

In other words, every time our ward puts at risk his self-esteem, which, on the one hand, is under constant scrutiny at school, on the other hand, is so necessary for him to successfully complete all the same school assignments. Modern scientists argue that the cognitive abilities of a child directly depend on the level of his self-esteem. For example, take the research of psychologists Wattenberg and Clifford. They showed that the self-concept of kindergarten kids affects reading success more than IQ. In other words, children with low self-esteem read worse than children with high self-esteem.

What follows from all this? The task is defined simply (more difficult with its implementation ☺): it is necessary to create conditions for the formation of high self-esteem of the child.

What needs to be done for this? Stanley Coopersmith, a child psychologist at the University of California, has attempted to identify family conditions that promote a child’s high self-esteem. A group of his assistants studied the way of life of 1700 families in which children showed this «desired high level.» After analyzing many indicators, the scientists came to the conclusion that in the studied families, communication with a child includes three major components.

1. Lovethat expresses respect, care and acceptance. In such a family, the child knows that he is loved by the whole, with all his strengths and weaknesses. Here the words of our wonderful teacher V. A. Sukhomlinsky come to mind: “It is easy to love an abstract child, but you try to love a specific child with all its shortcomings.”

2. Feeling safe. It is remarkable (and for many this may seem completely unexpected) that parents of children with high self-esteem do not preach permissiveness. On the contrary, in these families, restrictions, standards, and expectations are clearly defined, as a result of which children feel more secure.

3. Democracy. Parents encourage the child to express their point of view, even if it differs from their own.

In other words, in an environment that promotes self-esteem:

• children feel warmth and love;
• feel safe, which allows them to explore new things without dwelling on their mistakes;
• they are respected as individuals;
• they are encouraged to have their own opinion;
• children know that there are clear limits and limitations in the world around them;
• they have a high chance of success;
• feel that they are accepted without reservation.

Based on the results of this and other studies, scientists have identified the main components of the child’s self-concept. After reviewing and analyzing them, you will be able to correct your relationship with the child, you will notice that it has become much easier for you to help the baby be himself, to give him the opportunity to see “his grass and his elephant” (I think you understand well that these tasks are much more difficult than just teaching a child to read and write, although no one cancels this either ☺).

So what are the basic building blocks of self-concept? There are only five of them:

— a sense of security (in our book we will call it I and a sense of security);

— a sense of individuality (I am who I am);

— sense of competence (me and my success);

— ability to set goals (me and my goals);

— Ability to communicate effectively with others (me and others).

It was not easy to single out these “bricks”, but it is even more difficult to determine the steps that will help to maximize these qualities in a child. Scientists have done this, and this is what happened (based on Stanley Coopersmith’s table, modified and supplemented by me).

The main blocks of the self-concept

For clarity and consistency of presentation, I took this table as the structural basis of my text. It will be easier for me to present the material, and for you to look for what you need.

1. Me and the sense of security

“Only a child who feels safe “dares” to develop in a healthy direction. His need for security must be met.» So categorically stated one of the greatest psychologists of the twentieth century, Abraham Maslow. A great connoisseur of human souls regards the feeling of security as one of the basic needs. This is clearly seen from his famous pyramid.

• The need for self-expression
• The need for respect and recognition
• The need for belonging to a social group, belonging, support
• Need for security and protection
• Physiological needs

Satisfying the child’s need for safety is the main thing that any teacher should pay attention to when creating a positive educational environment. How to do it? Omniscient psychologists distinguish three main steps, which include:

1) building trusting relationships;

2) establishment of reasonable restrictions and rules;

3) creating a positive environment.

1. We are people, not gods! How to build trust with your child

In pedagogy, only the lazy does not talk about trusting relationships. All teachings, past and present, encourage educators to build the proverbial relationship of trust. But what is behind this cherished phrase?

We know very well that trust cannot be acquired in one sitting, it is not subject to reason. You either have trust or you don’t. It is very important for a child to feel on a subconscious level that he can trust his adult. Let’s try to figure out a little on the basis of what trust appears, what your behavior should be in order for these trusting relationships to arise.

First of all, here it is necessary to talk about ACCEPTANCE OF THE CHILD.

True acceptance is when a child is fully accepted — both his strengths and his weaknesses. A child on a subconscious level, “with all the fibers of his soul” should feel: “I am loved not for what I should be, but for what I am.” When my daughter was little, we had a game with her, which she loved very much. When expressing my dissatisfaction with some of her actions, she always added “but”, and I had to continue the proposal with something good. The dialogue looked like this:

Me: How nasty you were when you did that!

She: But….

Me: …but love! And what a favorite!!!

I don’t know who was more helped by such a dialogue, her or me! I can say one thing for sure — no matter how tense the situation was, it ended with a smile or a kiss that showed the child “unconditional acceptance”. Psychologists note that with this approach, the child receives the necessary emotional support to change himself and experiment in his behavior.

In a situation of acceptance, physical contact is very important. Modern neurobiological research confirms the findings of John Bowlby, an authoritative specialist in the field of developmental psychology, who argued almost 60 years ago that not only when beaten, but also in the absence of gentle physical contact with parents, certain parts of the brain remain underdeveloped in a child, especially those that are responsible for emotional development.

In support of this thesis, I will cite the data of one interesting experiment that was conducted in an Iranian orphanage in 1982. The educators of the experimental group were asked to establish eye-to-eye contact, take babies in their arms and walk with them during swaddling and feeding. Otherwise, the life of these kids was no different from the life of their peers from other groups. What was the surprise of the researchers when it turned out that the IQ level of children from the experimental group was 47% higher! 47% is the price of an ordinary human smile and human hands! Isn’t it impressive?

Experts talk about four obligatory hugs a day (this is the minimum that needs to be broken upwards ☺)! But if you get acquainted with the views of the American psychotherapist Jean Ledloff (J. Liedloff), you will understand how this figure and all those close to it are underestimated!

After living two and a half years in the tribes of South American Indians, Ledloff wrote the book How to Raise a Happy Child. The principle of succession. The main conclusion she comes to can be formulated as follows: most of the problems of a “civilized child” are associated with the absence of a “manual” period, that is, a period when the child is mainly in the hands of the parents (this is approximately from birth until the moment when baby starts crawling.

The author states: «The child receives its first experience from the body of a busy mother.» Round-the-clock stay with the mother, the physical sensation of her skin, smell — that’s what is vital for the baby! In his description of the first experience of a baby, which appears in modern maternity hospitals, where this contact is minimized, the researcher brings heartbreaking notes. Without a shudder, one cannot read her description of the first days of a baby placed in a stroller or crib.

In contrast to the practice of civilized countries (in this case, we also refer to them), D. Ledloff gives an example of Indian mothers who practically do not let their child go: the baby is always with them — when they cook, make a fire, sleep, dance. With such constant physical contact, the child receives proof of love without any strings attached. “The mother takes care of the child simply because he is; his existence is sufficient to guarantee her love.» The child thus receives the experience of absolute acceptance, his «emotional reservoir» is filled, and with this baggage he can explore the world further on his own.

It is interesting that in the Japanese family, which I talk about in the last chapter, as well as among the Yekuan Indians, whom D. Ledloff observed, children also sleep in the same bed with their parents for a long time and stay with their mother for a long time, i.e. they practice long «manual period». The American psychotherapist concludes that this is why «Asian cultures generally suffer less from the lack of correct infantile experience than Europeans, and have much greater inner peace.»

Maybe it’s time for us to think?

The second most important point is RESPECT FOR CHILDREN’S PERSONALITY.

A respectful attitude includes the following components.

1. Possibility be heard by adults. Naturally, this does not mean that we must constantly agree with the child, give him the palm in the conversation. It is advisable to build your dialogues in such a way that the baby feels that his thoughts and opinions are taken into account, that his position is taken on an equal basis with others. He can be wrong, but he can also hear the adult’s apology when he is wrong. By the way, your precise and simple apology (if there is a need for them, of course ☺) will show the child that you respect his feelings and regret your behavior.

To establish a respectful relationship, you can introduce the game “Stop! Please stop.» Regardless of who utters the phrase — a child or an adult — the reaction to it should be immediate. This rule is followed implicitly by everyone. At the same time, children begin to understand, on the one hand, that they can control the situation and stop someone’s behavior, on the other hand, that other people also deserve a respectful attitude towards themselves.

2. Respect for the child is manifested in the honest attitude of an adult towards personal space baby (in English there is such a well-aimed word — privacy). The child needs to know that there is someone he can rely on, someone who will keep his secret. Here I will give an anti-example from my personal recollections.

Soviet school, 5th grade. The mass hobby of all the girls was writing the «Diary of Friends», where, along with questions for friends, for some reason they placed a hiding place where the name of the cherished boy was recorded. My notebook somehow falls into the hands of a labor teacher, and she, in front of everyone, breaks the cache and reads the name of a classmate aloud!!! What guided the teacher? I can explain her act (from the standpoint of authoritarian pedagogy), but I can’t understand it. I will never be in her place! For me, one of the biggest compliments was the words of my daughter, which she once said to her friend: “I am sure that even if my personal diary is open, my mother will not look at it. She will close it and put it in its place.”

The third element of trust is SINCERE, GENUINE IN COMMUNICATION WITH A CHILD.

In a relationship with a child, you do not need to “appear”, you need to “be”. We must continue to live our lives, in which the role of «educator» is one of several, and not the only one.

If an adult is sincere with himself, sincerity and frankness in relations with children will be natural for him, he will give himself away, express his true feelings. Whatever happens, the child should feel sincere interest and care in relation to himself and to his problems. However, all this should come from living people, and not from mannequins wearing predetermined masks. In this regard, I will give curious recommendations of the American psychologist Thomas Gordon (T. Gordon), which run counter to the postulates of family pedagogy familiar to us. Here they are:

1. Parents are people, not gods. Gordon writes: “Some people, having become parents, think that they should now be something better than “just a person”. They no longer feel free in their manifestations. They believe that now they should be constant in their feelings, should always be tolerant, understanding, should put aside their own needs and sacrifice for the sake of children … ”This position is erroneous. Adults should remember that, despite the newly acquired roles of teacher and parent, they continue to be people who tend to make mistakes, doubt, get angry, etc. Becoming an educator, we do not automatically acquire the status of ultimate truth, we continue to be imperfect beings who are on their way to excellence.

2. Parents may be fickle and may not show a united front. The common advice that «parents should be constant in their demands» leads to the fact that they begin to pretend, begin to act as beings whose feelings are unchanging and independent of the situation. In real life, this cannot happen. We change every day, our feelings change from situation to situation, from child to child. Sometimes it is more important to be natural and sincere than constant!

Speaking of the «united parental front», T. Gordon exclaims: «This is pedagogical nonsense!» Traditionally, it is argued that parents should be united in their position. But the fact is that two persons cannot think and feel the same way always and in everything! In the «united front» tactic, one of the parents begins to send a «mixed message» to the child (see below). And it should be avoided as much as possible.

In my opinion, Gordon’s position is quite controversial, but there is still some truth in it. ☺ I think you will agree that there are moments in life when it is not a “united front” that is important, but the opportunity to show the child that in any situation the main thing is to understand the feelings and position of the other and to compromise.

For example, the parents disagreed on whether Tanya could wear new shoes for a walk around the house (I think it’s easy to guess who insisted on what ☺). In this situation, dad can say the following monologue: “I see that mom is categorically against it. I don’t quite agree with her. It seems to me that this is not so important, but you see, mother considers it very important and has a right to it. So let’s think about a solution that would suit us all.»

Thus, unity in the opinions of parents is certainly important, but it is always necessary to take into account the situation and be able to be flexible.

3. Parents should avoid a «mixed message». A mixed message is when your words don’t match your body language. For example, you say to a child: “I don’t care,” while facial expressions, posture, intonations show that you are against it, that you are trying to suppress your dissatisfaction with his act. The end result is that the child cannot choose a course of action, because he cannot understand what is true — your words or your body language (verbal or non-verbal message).

The next important point in creating a trusting relationship is FORMING POSITIVE EXPECTATIONS regarding the child.

A child learns as much worse or better as an adult believes in him. To confirm this thesis, I will cite the data of one experiment. In my opinion, they are convincing. The experiment was carried out by Robert Rosenthal (R. Rosenthal) and Lenore Jacobson (L. Jacobson).

Children of different age groups — from kindergarten to 5th grade — were offered to take tests to identify intellectual abilities. The following fall, new teachers who came to these classes were given lists of the children who scored the highest. The only thing the teachers didn’t know was that the «advanced» kids were randomly selected.

At the end of the year, a new test was conducted, the results of which stunned psychologists — children with supposedly exceptional abilities showed a significant increase in IQ scores. In interviews, teachers also indicated that it was these children who stood out for their curiosity throughout the year, adapted better to circumstances, were more attentive and, as a result, happier. As you can see, the only thing that has changed in the whole educational situation is the expectations of teachers. The faith and positive attitudes of teachers have led to a climate change in which children feel more successful, capable and more important, i.e. those who have “great potential”. Thus, adult expectations played a significant role in changing the child’s self-esteem.

In general, it must be said that in life (and not just in school) a child’s behavior is largely determined by what is expected of him. In the first years of life, the baby learns the world intuitively in many respects, his subconscious mind reacts to many things. Moreover, the subconscious is very observant: it notices not what they say out loud, but first of all what they really mean, betraying it with intonation or behavior. “In other words,” I will quote D. Ledloff again, “a child would rather do what he feels is expected of him than what he is told to do!”

In this regard, now is the time to talk about the fears that directly affect our expectations. Ledloff talks about the baby Yekuan (I remind you, this is an Indian tribe ☺), who accelerated and stopped at the very edge of a one and a half meter hole. “With the indifference of an animal grazing at the edge of a cliff, he sat either with his face, or even with his back to the pit. Playing with a stone, a stick, he rolled on the ground in all directions, except for the pit, not paying any attention to it. The instinctive mechanism of self-preservation operated flawlessly and clearly at any distance from the pit. Where was the baby’s mother at that time? She went about her business nearby.

How could we, educators of the 6st century, remember this “instinctive self-preservation mechanism” that helps babies survive in the jungle! Someone will say that it is more dangerous in our cities than in the jungle, and, alas, they will be right. But, expecting something bad (the kid will fall, break, get hit by a car, will misbehave), we take away from the child his natural strength, his ability to take care of himself. Nature eliminates exactly as many mechanisms of self-preservation as others have taken on. Look at the nails and blades that Japanese kids play with (I cover this in detail in Chapter XNUMX)! It turns out that the expectations of Japanese caregivers coincide with the behavior of Yekuan mothers (at least in Ledloff’s interpretation ☺). Both expect that children can take care of themselves, that they do not have suicidal tendencies. The main thing is to explain everything to the children (it’s about information!), and then there will be no accidents. With our overprotection, we prevent the child from taking responsibility for himself.

What conclusions can be drawn from all these arguments? It turns out that for an adult, the main thing is to work with your expectations. If you express concern in words or non-verbal language (intonation, look, voice): “Look, you will fall!”, “You will get a low score!”, “You will get stuck in history in a nightclub!” – then sooner or later it will happen. The child cannot deceive your expectations!!! You need to trust the wisdom of your child, life, God, fate, egregor (it all depends on what you believe in). I agree, it is very difficult, but no one promised that it would be easy! ☺

Another component of a trusting relationship is EFFECTIVE PRAISE.

Have you ever thought about how often you praise your child, how do you do it, how many good words do you have in stock? Smart Americans have special booklets that offer teachers and parents 101 ways to praise!

If you do praise, how do you do it? It turns out that even this seemingly simple pedagogical technique has its own nuances. After reviewing the part of the English-language instructive pedagogical literature that was feasible for me, I compiled a kind of memo of effective praise. Read on, maybe you’ll take something for yourself.

Characteristics of Effective Praise

1. Honored. Do not exaggerate! Praise should reflect the real picture of the child’s actions. Do not call a child «Savior of the human race» for bringing him a glass of water! ☺ Exaggerated praise can raise unreasonable expectations, and the attempt should be celebrated as well as success. For example: «I liked the way you tried to lace up the boot yourself.»

2. Sincere. When you enthusiastically exclaim «That’s a beautiful picture!» but don’t really think so, children feel it. Therefore, if you want to say something pleasant, then find something in the picture that you like. For example, «I like the colors you used», «That’s an interesting shape» or «It sounds like you enjoy painting.»

3. Immediate. This is especially important for younger students and for children with low self-esteem. They quickly forget moments worthy of praise. Here are some examples of «immediate praise»:

Thank you for helping me put the toys away.

— Good job! You took everything away.

— Great job — the table is beautifully set.

“Great, you put on your coat yourself!”

— Great, you came as soon as I called you!

— Blimey! You found a great way to express your annoyance.

4. Specificbehavior-focused. Praise should be given to specific actions. For example, when you say «Good girl Katya», the child does not know what to do next time to be a «good girl» again — close the front door, hang up his coat, sing a song or be quiet. Next time she may or may not guess. It’s better to say, «I’m glad you hung up your coat.»

In children with low self-esteem, your characteristics of “good”, “cute”, “pretty” do not fit with their internal self-image, and your praise will be met with disbelief. Therefore, in your praise, you should describe what you SEE and what you FEEL. Praise must also be limited, otherwise its effectiveness will decrease.

5. Focused on intrinsic motivation. Gradually awaken in the child an inner interest in his actions: “It feels like you like to draw”, “It seems that solving examples is starting to give you pleasure.” In this way, you will avoid a very common mistake when a bullied child is guided only by an external stimulus — someone’s praise.

6. Individual. Children with low self-esteem sometimes greet praise with embarrassment, defiantly ignore it. You must make it clear to the child that the praise is addressed to him.

7. recurring. Children with low self-esteem need to be praised repeatedly for similar actions, even if it makes you feel like a “broken record.”

8. Spontaneous. Act according to the situation and be guided by your emotions, then your praise will be sincere and effective.

As you can see, the nuances of praise are very significant.

How to build trusting relationships? Where to begin? You always want to hear something specific, “do it once, do it twice…” From the numerous recommendations of family and child psychologists, I tried to compile such a kind of “Guide to the Development of Trusting Relationships”. Read it, maybe you will find something interesting for yourself.

A Guide to Developing Trust

• Share your feelings with children. Do not hide your joys and sorrows from them.
• Give children the opportunity to be heard. A child, like an adult, needs to understand that he is being listened to when he speaks. You can choose a certain period during the day — an hour or even a few minutes, when you put aside all your affairs and your attention will completely belong to him.
• Take an active part in all your child’s activities. By doing this, on the one hand, you seem to “share yourself”, on the other hand, you act as an example of enthusiastic performance of tasks.
• Make a box «PERSONAL LETTERS» (you can take a shoe box and decorate it). Encourage children to write personal letters to you, where they describe their feelings, experiences. (I can’t help but write about my childhood experience. When I was in 8th grade, I started writing «alien letters» to my sister, who was then in 4th grade. Zigzag handwriting, intricate folding of the letter, a hint that I know some of her secrets — all this convinced my sister that the alien was “real.” She enthusiastically wrote to me, that is, an alien, shared her problems, asked for advice.)
• Leave your child special notes with the recognition of certain merits.

I only want you to know

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I admit

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Congratulations!

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I admit

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

I like

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

• Invite your child over for lunch or a picnic (it doesn’t have to be a restaurant ☺). The main thing is not the place, but the time that you devote to each other.

Exercises

1. Exchange of letters (2-11th)

The most common, simple and effective technique. Encourage your child to write letters to you. With your questions, direct him to move from a description of external events to a description of his inner world (what he thought, felt, what he doubted, what he was happy about, etc.).

The following exercises encourage the child to explore the main influences on him and his life.

2. Reflections on the family (2nd-4th)

The child needs to be helped to understand and accept his feelings towards members of his family. Instead of the blasphemous question: «Who do you love more?» Try talking to him about the following topics:

• when family members showed kindness and understanding to each other;
• how each family member is unique and different from others, and how this affects the strengthening of the family;
• what are the successes of parents at work, in life in general.

Sometimes it is useful to invite a child to write an essay «What it means to be an orphan.» This gives the child the opportunity to re-evaluate what he is used to, what he takes for granted.

3. Significant person (2-11th)

The child reflects on who is special in his life. Children work in pairs or in teams, they can just write a small essay. Here is an example:

The special person in my life is…

The first time I met him/her…

When I’m with him/her, I feel…

I feel this way because…

This person is special to me because…

Especially unforgettable was the time when we were together …

I like to do with him / her (at least three points) …

4. People I can rely on (2nd-7th)

Invite the child to draw such a scheme: in the central circle he writes his name, in the rest — the names of people whom he trusts, on whom he is ready to rely.

5. Interview with a significant person (2nd-4th)

First, the term “significant person” is discussed with the child (this is the one you always look forward to meeting; the one you love and miss; to whose opinion you especially listen). The child is then invited to interview this person in order to learn more about him. Possible interview questions:

How did you grow up?

Where did you grow up? What is the difference and what is the similarity of your childhood with modern?

What was the most difficult / easy in school years?

What was your favorite thing to do during those years?

your favorite teacher.

After that, the child can write a biography of a loved one.

6. Corporal technique. Palm contact (d.s. — 6th)

Invite your child to play with their hands, and you can find out what he expects from your relationship. Show him the options first:

• if you put your palm to your palm along the entire length, this will be partner contact;
• if touched only with fingertips, then this is a needle contact;
• when one palm covers the cam of the other, it is parental contact.

Now close your eyes and give the initiative to the child, let him choose the contact that is most pleasant for him. If the child chose the first option, your relationship is close to harmonious, the second contact indicates distrust between you, the third indicates the child’s need for more protection and love. Draw your own conclusions!

So what have we learned in this chapter? Let’s recap the main points.

The most important features

• True acceptance is when a child is accepted not only for his strengths, but also for his weaknesses.
• The child must feel that his thoughts and opinions are taken into account, that his position is accepted on an equal basis with others.
• The child needs to know that there is someone he can rely on who will keep his secret under any circumstances.
• Parents are people, not gods. They may be fickle and may not present a «united front». Sometimes it is more important to be natural and sincere than constant!
• Avoid «mixed message». A mixed message is when the spoken words do not match the body language.
• A child learns as much worse or better as an adult believes in him.
• Effective praise raises a child’s self-esteem. It is essential for a trusting relationship.

2. Beyond the line! How to set reasonable limits and rules

In ancient Rome, the word «discipline» meant «study, education.» Note: not punishment, but training. Based on this definition, it turns out that the goal of education is to teach the child to form his own internal discipline. And this discipline must be based on a positive self-concept, not on fear or shame. Children must learn to be responsible for their behavior to themselves, and not in order to please an adult or receive encouragement from him. To achieve this difficult goal, first of all, it is necessary to establish reasonable restrictions and rules. You ask why?

For full development, the child needs authority. He lives in the world of feelings and comprehends the laws of the universe on an intuitive level. The reference point for him is an adult. The kid does not know what to do in new and inaccessible situations. Therefore, it is important that he feels that he can rely on an adult who makes decisions for him. That is why a child needs a framework that helps him realize himself, his place in this world.

An analogy with a dark room would be appropriate here. If you got there, what will you do to somehow orient yourself in it? Most likely, you will start to feel the walls. So, for a child, such walls are your authority, the framework that you set. It’s bad if these frames are too tight and hard, but just as bad if they are too blurry and fuzzy. How to find this edge, the notorious golden mean?

I will give you the reflections of the great teachers of the past, who at one time helped me a lot. Maybe some of these thoughts will be consonant with your inner vision of discipline, hint or push you to your own conclusions.

Let’s start with Johann Pestalozzi, the greatest educator of the XNUMXth century, and his wonderful recommendation: “Only what is necessary should be ordered, moreover, after the child has already been brought to the realization of this necessity.” A great idea, dressed in a graceful form! I can’t resist the temptation to comment on it a little.

The first part is “only what is necessary should be ordered.” It was said in the century before last, but look at the countless number of «impossible» children of the XNUMXst century live in! In lectures, I really like to give as an example one conversation that I witnessed.

Sunday sunny day, city park. Around a lot of people and all sorts of entertainment temptations. A father and four-year-old daughter walk past a balloon vendor. The baby pulls dad’s sleeve and insistently asks: «Buy a ball!» In response, she hears a categorical: «It is impossible.» The girl rightly wonders: “Why?” — and hears an amazing explanation: “But because it will burst !!!” A brilliant illustration of our authoritarian pedagogy! According to dad’s logic, a child can’t do ANYTHING, because everything in this world tends to break, tear, burst, etc.

Order only what you need! Modern researchers make a very significant addition: the rules should be simple and clear. They should tell the child what to DO instead of what NOT to DO. For example, “don’t run around the house” turns into “walk carefully”, “don’t grab” — “wait in line”, “stop crying” — “speak calmly”.

The second part of the statement calls for — order «after the child has already been brought to the realization of this need.» Teach yourself and your child that any restriction is accompanied by an explanation of why it should be done. Your explanations should be short and accessible. And do not follow the example of one zealous mom who, answering the question of a three-year-old son “Why wash your hands?”, Charged a half-hour lecture on germs. ☺

In modern literature, you can find another recommendation: For every no, give two yeses. What does this mean?

For example, if Tolik wants to hit the window with the ball, you can offer him: «You can hit the ball on the floor or on the bench, but not on the window.» In this case, you can find other options. You are changing:

• the place where your child plays;
• the object with which the child plays;
• game time;
• the game itself.

That is, you can offer:

• throw the ball outside the house. Tell the child that he will not be able to do this in the house as well as on the street;
• throw a pillow out the window;
• watch TV.

In this way, you offer children ways to realize what they want. You talk about how to succeed, not fail.

For example, Masha wants to drink grape juice on the living room carpet. You don’t want this, of course, because your fertile imagination has already drawn the horrific consequences — the stained carpet. Therefore, you can offer Masha:

• drink juice in the kitchen;
• spread out a waterproof tablecloth and take that item;
• drink juice in the living room before you are about to clean the carpet.

What do you do if the suggested alternatives don’t work?

Can do changing situation. For this you change:

• environment or
• the child’s course of action.

For example, Vanya (16 months old) sees a glass cup on the table. He wants to play with her. You can:

• find a toy he likes and distract him;
• hide the glass cup until he grows up;
• put a plastic cup on the table.

you also can change the time or order of actions.

For example, a common situation is a morning emergency. As practice shows, it is this time of day that makes many parents want to exclaim: «Don’t touch me, I’m in the house.» To keep peace in the souls of all households, you can:

• get up early yourself;
• wake up your child early
• prepare clothes in the evening;
• collect everything you need from the evening;
• prepare a light breakfast in the evening.

Trite, but it works! I remember the unsettling kindergarten fees for my three-year-old “woman”. She needed to try on several outfits, while the socks had to fit not only under the dress, but also under the bows. It was exhausting for both her and me. We parted as enemies until I «restructured» our morning — the problem of choice was transferred to the evening. Before going to bed, I suggested: “Honey, tomorrow you can wear this or that. Choose what suits your mood best. Thus, the morning thunderstorms were shrugged off. ☺

The next idea is also taken from the classics of pedagogy — from the sparkling legacy of Michel Montaigne. The philosopher of the XNUMXth century stated: “A good teacher is one who knows how to very nicely close his eyes to individual children’s sins” (it’s said something like that!). In other words, the ability of an adult to ignore individual children’s actions is of particular importance. According to the observations of our wonderful teacher V. A. Sukhomlinsky, many teachers “spend their energy on fighting children’s pranks, pranks, that is, with what is a natural companion of childhood and adolescence and what deserves wise indulgence and clever transformation into a joke”, not punishment.

One day my twelve-year-old nephew came home from school in a terrible state of excitement. Shuddering with delight, with burning eyes, he began to talk about how they planted a water bomb on the Ukrainian language teacher, how she jumped up from her chair, how she began to run around the classroom and look for the culprit, how she ran after the director of the school. I listened with horror to this whole «exciting» story. Then I wondered who else they put such a «pig» on and how he/she reacted. The nephew regretfully replied that no one else. The teacher of labor cooled the ardor of gambling jokers. He behaved «outrageously uninteresting — he took it (the bomb), began to consider how it works, offered to try to make the same one together»!

Look what a wonderful illustration of the two styles of behavior! One was able to “cute his eyes cutely”, turning everything into a joke, and the other was not. She is terribly far from childhood!

All the same V. A. Sukhomlinsky urged teachers to treat children’s actions with understanding and pedagogical wisdom, not to rush to judge, not to try to transfer the rules of the adult world to the world of childhood. In one of his works he wrote: «Only he will become a real teacher who never forgets that he himself was a child … Let’s enter the wonderful world of childhood with a warm heart, in which the pulse of a child’s life flutters.» To do this, the thinker proposed a peculiar technique: the teacher (and I think this will not interfere with parents either) needs to stimulate memories of their own childhood, look at the world through the eyes of a child, try to reincarnate, becoming to some extent a child. V. A. Sukhomlinsky himself kept a diary, where there were two sections: «I — through the eyes of a teenager» and «The world through the eyes of a child.» (Good idea! If you have no desire, and therefore no time, to make such records, then at least think in this direction.)

There is only one conclusion: the child’s pencil fell, the boy pulled the girl’s pigtail or laughed at someone — you should not focus on this. Only actions that contain the seeds of selfishness, indifference to the spiritual world of another person, deserve condemnation. The Japanese argue in the same vein. From time immemorial, they have said that «it is important for children to be able to behave in accordance with their age, to feel like children» (see the chapter on Japan).

And here is another wise recommendation taken from the past — never invest in punishment accumulated earlier irritation. Your dissatisfaction and punishment should relate to a specific act, and even the most angry tirade should carry the thought: “I don’t understand this particular act of yours, but I continue to love and respect you.” If you can’t speak in such a context, voice this idea directly, believe me, it won’t get worse! ☺

An excellent recommendation was given to teachers by the founder of Waldorf pedagogy, Rudolf Steiner. The thinker suggested not to act directly on the delinquent child, but to use his imagination. To do this, when telling a fairy tale, a true story or a parable, an adult needs to make such accents so that the kid can easily relate himself to the main character and emotionally experience his offense, see its results not in real life, but in the imagination. As the Waldorf experience shows, this is a fairly effective technique.

In order for you to appreciate it, I will give an example from Frans Karlgren’s book Education for Freedom.

The teacher in the class had a seven-year-old boy who often lied. She decided to tell the tale «The Pearl of Truth». The Queen of the Truthful Country dropped a priceless pearl into a deep well. All the servants descended into the well in search of her; when they surfaced, then the one who lied at least once in his life, a black rim appeared around his mouth. Throughout the story, the boy was clearly nervous, and suddenly he burst out: «I’m lying … always!» He was going to say “I never lie!”, But under the impression of the story, he said the opposite. The involuntary cry of the boy, the author concludes, is evidence of a process of deep self-knowledge. The teacher’s story pushed the child to inner recovery. In my opinion, this method helps an adult, avoiding reading morals and presenting direct prohibitions, to convey to the child information about «what is good and what is bad.»

A peculiar summing up of this centuries-old wisdom was made by the modern psychologist Stanley Coopersmith. Speaking of restrictions, he suggests the following.

1. Restrictions must have reasonable and realistic grounds.

2. Set few limits.

3. Follow the rules firmly and consistently.

4. Provide clear consequences if restrictions are violated.

5. Do not use any physical force and never threaten to «lose acceptance.» The phrase «Now I don’t love you» is a low blow.

6. Set rewards.

From myself I will add: starting to develop your disciplinary policy, first of all decide on your priorities. What is more important for you — an obedient child today or a free person tomorrow?

Exercises

1. Rules that are established with children

Children have a completely different attitude towards the rules that they consider “their own”. Even Leo Tolstoy noted that the order established «from below» is much stronger. Therefore, find 30 minutes in your busy schedule and write down the rules of your family with your child (in the discussion, the right of the first vote belongs to the baby). International practice confirms that in this way you will save much more time, and most importantly, your nerve cells and the cells of your growing little man (this technique is actively used by Japanese and American elementary school teachers).

2. Conclusion of the contract

First, a few words about the theory of conflict. As paradoxical as it sounds, modern science says that conflict is the moment of truth in a relationship. This is a kind of test for their health. Conflict either pushes people apart or makes them more united. Conflicts contain seeds of discord or seeds of unification, armed conflict or mutual understanding.

Conflicts are not necessarily bad. What’s more, a relationship without conflict may be less healthy because one person dominates. Thus, the leading indicator in assessing the relationship is not the presence of conflicts, but how they are resolved.

In the context of our topic, there are 3 ways out of the situation:

• when the winner is a parent;
• when the winner is a child;
• when there are no losers.

Of course, we are interested in the last option, in which the parent asks the child to come up with a solution that suits both parties. With this approach, both the child and the adult mobilize their forces not to fight each other, but to find a common solution. Children are given the opportunity to become active participants in solving the problem they are facing.

Today in the English-language literature there is a huge number of recommendations on this topic. Summarizing the main provisions of the research, we can distinguish 6 STAGES IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

1st stage. Defining Conflict, voice it, give it a name. To do this, first you talk about the feelings of the child, then about your feelings. For example: “You don’t like to leave the party early, but on the other hand, when you arrive late, I get nervous.”

• Here it is necessary to apply only the «I-message»: «I am upset, nervous, I feel injustice towards me.» Ask yourself: “What is my problem in this situation?”
• No generalizing and degrading characteristics (like “you are children …”), no “snowball”. You are solving a specific problem, while you do not remember the past and do not predict the future, do not make any comparisons. You are «here and now»! ☺
• Emphasize that the decision should be right for both of you: «We live with this.» There are no winners or losers here.

2nd stage. Collecting possible solutions. You can start a conversation like this:

– What could we do?

Let’s think about possible solutions to this situation.

“Let’s get tense and try to find a common solution. There is always a way out.

“You can suggest some solution that works for the two of us.

«Let’s see if we can find a way out that makes both of us happy.»

In this case, the following is important:

• the child must be the first to offer his way out;
• You can not give any assessments, even positive ones. All offers are accepted;
• if several children participate, then each of them must make a proposal.

3rd stage. Decision evaluation: “Now let’s see what is the best solution. We need to choose the one that suits us all.”

4th stage. Choosing the best solution: “Do you think this way will solve our problem? Will it work? That being said, it’s important that you look at this solution as a step, not as a final choice: “Let’s see if this works, if it solves our problem. I agree to try, and you?

5th stage. Solution Implementation Plan. It is necessary to stipulate specific steps for the implementation of your decision. Clearly define:

• who, when and what is done to make the solution work;
• set deadlines;
• determine the end result.

6th stage. Follow-up evaluation. During the implementation of the decision, it is necessary to check whether everyone is satisfied with the decision taken, how the contract is being implemented.

For example, in one family, under the contract, the youngest daughter needs to wash the dishes, and the eldest daughter cleans the apartment. When checking, it turned out that the baby spends 5 hours a week on her task, and the eldest — 3 hours. The agreement was revised.

Situation from my life. My suddenly matured daughter (☺) was about to go to a night disco. We had a similar dialogue with her.

Me: I know you really want to have fun with your friends, but I will be nervous and worried (her feelings, your feelings). Let’s try to resolve this issue in a way that suits both of us. I understand that now this situation can arise with us on a regular basis. Let’s write down all possible solutions and understand which one suits both you and me (problem definition, possible solutions).

Daughter: Don’t worry.

I recorded. Now my suggestion is: «You don’t go to the disco.» I also wrote it down.

Daughter: We stipulate the time of my return. I would be fine if it was at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Me: For me, the optimal time is 12 o’clock at night.

Daughter: When I arrive at the disco, I can text you that I have arrived and everything is OK with me.

Me: I wrote everything down. Now let’s see which is the best. What does not suit you at all (decision evaluation)?

Daughter: That I don’t go to the disco.

Me: Delete. It doesn’t suit me that I’m not worried. I will still worry. We also delete this. Indeed, it is very good to stipulate the time of return. Let’s take something in between, not 12 hours and not 3 hours. Let it be 1.30. Arranges?

Daughter: Quite. I text you, but you don’t try to call me every hour, I still won’t hear because of the music.

I’m fine. Now let’s discuss what to do if you break the contract (determining the consequences).

Daughter: Well, it’s simple, if I forget to text you (and I’ll text you ☺) or if I come later (and I’ll be on time ☺), I won’t go to the disco next time.

I am fine.

Putting this theory into practice is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. Moreover, you can experiment. Try it, go for it, the result is worth it!

3. Method of natural consequences

Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote about the method for the first time in the XNUMXth century. Its essence is well shown by the philosopher in the novel «Emil, or On Education» in a situation with broken glass. It has become a textbook and is mentioned very often by historians of pedagogy, but practicing educators rarely remember it.

According to the novel, Emile, a fictional pupil of Rousseau, breaks the glass in his room. What does an educator do? Nothing! He wants the child to feel for himself all the inconveniences of life without glass — to fight mosquitoes, flies, cold, rain, etc. The philosopher exclaims: “Make sure that all the bad consequences of his misconduct fall on the pupil’s head!” Like this. ☺ This is the essence of the method. The child himself comes to the realization of his misdeed, feeling its consequences.

“If you do not interfere with the natural course of events that chance will have to face your children, you will find that the situation itself can teach them a more effective lesson than any words you can.”, — commented on this approach, a modern practical psychologist and author of popular books on parenting Katherine Quals.

At the same time, one must remember a very important nuance: the entire effect of the method can be reduced to zero by one phrase of an adult: “You see what happens when you ….” or «I told you so.» In this case, the child focuses his attention on the criticism of the adult, and not on his own responsibility.

4. Method of logical consequences

Your actions should be a logical continuation of the child’s misconduct. For example, a child broke something, and you forbid him to walk because of this. Such influence is illogical, your influence has nothing to do with the offense itself and can only anger the child. If you offer the kid to clean up, then this will be perceived as a chance to correct mistakes. The most effective consequences are those that do not cause grief and pain to the child, but, on the contrary, bring him satisfaction.

The consequences must have a logical relationship with the child’s mistake. If he keeps things in disarray, he must find time to clean them up. If he spoiled some thing, then he needs to fix it or compensate for the damage in another way. Thus, the logical consequences should teach the child to take full responsibility for his actions, without forcing him to «pay» for this or that mistake.

5. Timeout

It depends solely on the adult whether the time-out becomes a punishment or a method of interaction with the child. If you, sending the child away from you, «flavor» your action with the words: «I’m tired of you, go to your room and sit there until you grow wiser,» then this, naturally, is perceived by the child as a punishment. This is the punishment. As a result, your ward will not think about what he did wrong and what he should do next time, he will focus on his resentment or anger.

However, if the emphasis is slightly shifted in this method, it can become a wonderful exercise for the child in reflection (self-observation) and self-soothing. If you approach the wrongdoer and

• establish eye-to-eye contact;
• say in an even tone: “Vanyusha, you need to calm down and think. When you feel that you have coped with yourself, you can come back here again.

The fact that you address the child with an affectionate name shows him that you continue to love and accept him, only his specific act is not clear to you. And the fact that you give him the opportunity to return when he sees fit teaches the baby to control his actions and emotions.

If the child does not want to leave or has already returned, but his behavior has not changed, silently take him by the hand and take him to a “seclusion corner”. By the way, such a place does not have to be a notorious corner. This can be any place in the house where the child can be alone, work out what calms him (help the baby find and bring to this place those items that help him calm himself and cope with his feelings).

The most important features

• The child must learn to be responsible for his behavior to himself, and not in order to please an adult or receive encouragement from him.
• When setting the rules of behavior, decide for yourself what is more important for you — an obedient child today or a free person tomorrow.
• Order only what you need!
• Your rules should tell the child what to DO instead of what NOT to DO.
• For every “no” you give, give your child two “yes.”
• Of particular importance is the ability of an adult to ignore individual children’s actions.
• When you express disapproval or indignation, your words should express the thought: “I don’t understand your specific act, but I continue to love and respect you.”
• The child and the adult mobilize their forces not to fight each other, but to find a common solution to the conflict. Make a «contract» with your children.
• Imaginary punishment method: listening to a parable, the child experiences the results of his misdeed not in real life, but in his imagination.
• Method «Natural Consequences»: the child himself comes to the realization of his misconduct, feeling its consequences.
• Method «Logical Consequences»: the actions of an adult are a logical continuation of the misconduct of a child.
• The Time Out Method: The infamous corner becomes a corner of solitude and tranquility.

3. Optimists of all countries, unite! How to create a positive environment

Remember «The Alchemist» by Paulo Coelho: the shepherd Santiago, who was robbed, looked at the world and the new city with fear. He was deceived, he was alone, without a livelihood and without friends. However, after moments of despair, he remembered the commandment of one old man, and the guy looked at the square that stretched out in front of him, already without the former hopelessness: “It was not at all a strange world that stretched out before him — just a new one. But he always wanted just that — to explore new worlds … Santiago suddenly realized that he could look at the world through the eyes of the unfortunate victim of a swindler and villain, but maybe through the eyes of a brave seeker of treasures and adventures.

The same applies to our children, they themselves choose to be happy or unhappy, it all depends on the starting point they choose.

Of course, this is not as easy as it seems at first glance. One of the founders of positive psychology, Martin Seligman (M. Seligman) in his research proved that negative emotions are of evolutionary origin, and therefore they are indelible in the human psyche. In primitive society, it was the pessimists, not the benevolent optimists, who survived in the wilderness — thanks to their prudence, they could better prepare for the deterioration of living conditions.

The experiments of another psychologist — Richard Davidson (R. Davidson) showed that pessimism and optimism in our body have a physiological basis. Those who consider themselves optimistic and “jump out of bed in the morning to conquer the world” have consistently high activity in the left prefrontal cortex. By the way, they have a highly active immune system that resists all diseases, from colds to cancer. Conversely, people prone to melancholy and sadness show predominant activity in the right prefrontal cortex.

In other words, the essence of the left hemisphere is reckless optimism, and the essence of the right hemisphere is hopeless skepticism, pessimism. Suicides are people who are right-brain dominant. In careless, impulsive people, the left dominates.

However, in all this data, the main point is not entirely clear — the researchers cannot understand what is the cause and what is the effect. Do people become happy due to left hemisphere activity, or does this activity arise due to the fact that people become happy?

But let the experts think about it. For us now, the main thing is that negative emotions, like positive ones, are part of human nature. A person (including our ward baby ☺) is a centaur, consisting of two polar parts. And our task is not to destroy one of these parts, but to help the child develop his own way of managing negative emotions. And also — to show him all the advantages of an optimistic attitude.

Answering the question why be an optimist, the same Martin Seligman cites research data, according to which optimists, on average, live longer and recover better after surgery, they are self-confident, and also suffer less from mental illness. Optimists have higher satisfaction with family life, more friends, they are more likely to be liked by others. They are more successful in their careers and more creative, which is quite natural: the thinking of a person who does not tend to dwell on the bad and is used to finding a way out of any situation is flexible, free and open. Pessimists are also successful in their activities, but other things being equal, the optimist always achieves more: for him, failure in solving one problem does not mean the inability to cope with others.

Optimistic people look for the positive in all life situations. A very aptly rational way of perceiving the world by an optimist is formulated in the famous Protestant prayer: “God, give me the strength to change what I can change. Give me the courage to accept what I cannot change. And wisdom to distinguish one from the other.» It is this — realistic, but positive and open — view of the world that can be considered the hallmark of a true optimist.

What can we do to ensure that our children choose the path of the optimist? First of all, create a positive environment. Here we can learn from the Americans, it is they who are «ahead of the rest» in the «production» of optimists. They begin to tell children about the benefits of an optimistic outlook on life from the school bench.

In a pamphlet for teenagers in Minnesota, I saw advice on what to do to become an optimist. The authors offer their young readers:

• make a decision — treat everything well;
• put the positive over the negative;
• start each new business with enthusiasm;
• don’t give up when difficulties arise.

Very good, right? Accessible, concise. I think these recommendations can be adopted by both the child and the adult.

In our country, V. A. Sukhomlinsky was a specialist in creating a positive environment. In the 60s of the twentieth century, he developed an amazingly effective system of working with so-called difficult children. The thinker saw the main problem in communicating with such schoolchildren in the fact that a difficult child never hears a single good word about himself. An unfriendly attitude, hostility is manifested towards him, his misdeeds are endlessly recorded, he is condemned and punished. Naturally, with this approach, no positive personality traits are revealed. As a result, the student develops bitterness, anger, a desire to avenge indifference to his position.

Sukhomlinsky convinced adults that the reason for the impotence of educators in front of a difficult child lies not in the fact that he is incorrigible, but in the fact that the process of education is going the wrong way. The main mistake is that the educator seeks only to eradicate vices, reacting to reprehensible acts and condemning them, as a result of which the student only develops the conviction that he is bad, and at the same time there is no desire to correct himself.

The scientist offered his own version of communication with difficult children, focusing on a positive environment. He repelled from the fact that «all undisciplined students are children with a pronounced individuality, which cannot but constantly declare something about itself.» Therefore, an adult needs:

a) take into account that every pupil has a desire for good, bad things weigh him down and cause suffering. If a child manifests himself only in bad deeds, it is only because he does not know how to show himself in any other way. The task of the educator is to convince the child that he has positive qualities, and not to consolidate the negative ones;

b) organize the right behavior the pupil himself, in various ways to involve him in doing good deeds, to encourage them.

In order to demonstrate how the theory worked in practice, I will give an example from the school life of V. A. Sukhomlinsky himself.

In a post-war rural school, a student brought a box of colored pencils to class (in those days, just indecent wealth). The whole day the children drew with rapture, but everything ended in trouble — by the end of the lesson, the pencils disappeared. What does Vasily Alexandrovich do?

He does not check the pockets and bags of schoolchildren, he does not use any repressive measures. He gathers the guys and says: “Whoever took these pencils, let them take them home and enjoy drawing again. But tomorrow, when there is still no one in the class, let him bring this box and put it on the table of the owner.

Commenting on this speech, I would like to make a few points. As a true psychologist and connoisseur of the children’s world, Sukhomlinsky does not drive the child into a corner, does not label him as a «thief». With his speech and his actions, he, as it were, says to the child: “I understand you, you didn’t want to hurt the owner of the pencils, but you couldn’t resist, you took this bright box to draw longer than everyone else. You made a mistake, with whom it does not happen, but everything can be corrected.

Then he shows the child a way out of this situation — the pencils can be returned and no one will know who took them. Thus, Vasily Alexandrovich does not allow the child to cross the «boundary of sin», he retains the child’s «positive identity» (i.e., a positive sense of self): «Yes, I made a mistake, but I will correct the situation and continue to be a good boy / girl.» With this approach, it is very important not to give the child the opportunity to think badly about himself, and Vasily Alexandrovich masterfully copes with this!

Another curious nuance in this situation. If you have noticed, Sukhomlinsky does not lay the burden of the charge on the fragile shoulders of the children’s team. He takes the situation out of the classroom and does not give the children the opportunity to judge their friend (which the whole Soviet school loved to do). The pencils were eventually returned, and no one but the teacher knew who took them. Agree, the situation is ruined simply ingeniously!

On the experience of his school, the great teacher proved the effectiveness of this approach, however, unfortunately, this practice did not become widespread in the Soviet school. Blaming, punishing is always easier than trying to understand, to create a supportive atmosphere.

The «positive approach» in educational policy has been widely practiced and practiced by Japanese teachers. Based on the principle «the child is not capable of deliberate violations,» the educators of the Land of the Rising Sun simply do not allow the child to develop the feeling of «a bad boy or girl.»

It is noteworthy that this practice is completely consonant with the approach of the Yekuana Indians, about whom D. Ledloff writes: “The most important thing is that the child is deeply respected and considered good in all respects. There is no such thing as «good» or «bad» children. The fact that every child strives for a harmonious life in a team, and not for conflicts, is not questioned.” As you can see, the seeds of one idea germinate in different parts of our planet.

As for Western pedagogy, now the emphasis is also on encouragement, on the formation of a positive attitude towards life (why this happens, we will find out in the last chapter). For example, psychologist Elizabeth Crary (E. Crary) writes: “People see what they expect to see. If you expect children to be bad, then you are more likely to see bad behavior and overlook good. And if you expect them to be good, then you will see good behavior … Children do what parents pay attention to. If you pay attention to your good children, they are likely to behave well. If you pay attention to their «bad» behaviors, they will be more prone to bad behavior.»

She offers her readers a kind of METHOD HELPING ADULTS TO NOTICE GOOD BEHAVIOR OF THE CHILD.

• Make a list of ten things you would like your child to do.
• Ask your child’s teacher or babysitter to tell you three positive things about their behavior. Watch this.
• Spend three minutes every hour looking for those moments. Every time your child does something on the list, make a mental note of it.
• Praise yourself when you notice something good in your child’s behavior. Make a note on your calendar every time you notice good behavior from your child.
• Let the children know that you liked their behavior. Smile at them. Sit next to each other and hug tightly, praise. The more positive you notice, the better your children will behave.

Did you smile while reading these instructions? Well, you are right. But do not turn the page, try at least one of these points in practice. You will be surprised by the results (verified by experience!).

To date, a large number of methods for organizing a «positive environment» have been developed. What is the focus first? Let’s get a look.

Positive Behavior Management Guide

1. Emphasize the positive

• Modeling positive statements. Make it a rule to formulate an assessment of your activities in a positive way in front of your child. For example: «I’m happy with myself today — I was lounging with rapture all day» ☺.
• We create a positive language. Sometimes kids just don’t know which statements are positive. An American textbook for teenagers notes: “Thinking positive means sending positive messages to yourself. Positive messages can improve your mental and emotional health by giving you hope and making you feel comfortable with yourself. Learn to change negative thoughts into positive ones.
• We reinforce the positive statement. The main principle of all pedagogy is that it is easier to change behavior if you focus on the positive, not the negative. Try to draw your attention to the good things your mentee did or said. Forget about the negative for a while and do not succumb to provocations. Use positive messages. Encourage children to share these messages with each other.
• “Labeling” the positive. Each time, note that you have noticed a positive statement made by the child. In this case, one or another «code» word can be used. For example, «compliment», «encouragement».
• We develop the ability to speak and receive compliments. As the French psychologist Isabelle Fiyoza said, “to give a compliment, to express your positive emotions towards someone, means to let the feeling of closeness into your heart and strengthen the connection with the person.” Think about what kind of compliments you say? Why do we often perceive a compliment as an insincere attempt to appease?
• We organize the practice of positive behavior. Give your child a chance to do something good! V. A. Sukhomlinsky recommended to one teacher to make the chief prankster of the 2nd grade responsible for the cleanliness (in her complaints about the tricks of the little boy, she mentioned his unusual neatness). We can only smile at the mention of this «position» — responsible for cleanliness. However, imagine with what importance the boy checked the palms of his classmates and their change of shoes! He was entrusted with a serious matter, the teacher noticed him and believed him! There are many such examples in the pedagogical literature, but in mass practice this technique is not so common. 

2. Eliminate the negative

• We learn to be aware of negative statements. You can, among other things, say: «Today we say only good things about each other.» On such a day, upon hearing a child’s negative phrase, an adult uses a kind of code, for example, a pre-selected word or gesture. Very often, children simply do not realize how often they say negative things.
• “Label” the negative (when the child says the negative, you note “This is the negative”).
• We establish a rule: we change the negative to a positive (if a negative is nevertheless pronounced, it must be converted into a positive).
• We teach positive self-talk (tete-a-tete only: you praise the child for a specific good job and invite him to praise himself out loud).

As a result of all these simple tricks, children learn to notice the good, to look at the world optimistically.

Exercises

1. Acquaintance (1-11th)

1. Children sit in a circle and everyone calls:

• his name and the area in which he considers himself successful (I am Petya, who knows how to make everyone laugh);
• his name and the feelings that he is now experiencing (I am a happy Masha).

In the family, you can start Sunday breakfast or dinner like this: “Who is gathered at the table today?” At first, one of the adults starts («I’m a wrapped up mother — Tanya»), when the children understand the rules of the game, you can start with them.

2. The group is divided into pairs and each tells his partner about himself for 5 minutes. After that, everyone gathers again and discusses what surprised them the most in the story.

2. Exchange of names (1-8th)

Give the children cards and ask them to write their name in the center of the card. Have them decorate the lettering with markers, felt-tip pens, or colored pencils. In the space provided for their name, they can add a few words, pictures, or symbols that describe their hobbies, strengths, favorite places, and pastimes. Ask the children to color only the center rectangle and not to color in the box where their name is written.

After that, the children begin to get to know each other. The goal is to write down the names of classmates in the designated fields. When meeting, everyone should say their name and show a card, briefly explaining the meaning of the symbols that he used on the card, and write down the name of the child who introduced himself to him. The game continues until all cards are filled.

In a family, a child can thus “get acquainted” with relatives and toys.

3. Book of smiles (2-6th)

Invite the child to make the «Book of Smiles» himself (take a beautiful notebook or notebook as a basis). The assignment sounds like this.

1. Look at magazines. Find pictures of people who smile. Cut out smiling faces and stick them on the cover of your book. What do you feel?

2. Look at your old photos. Find the one with the biggest smile on your face. Paste it in your book on page 2. On page 3, write about what made you smile so.

3. Find three friends. Measure the length of each smile. Record your discoveries on pages 4 and 5 of your book.

1. Who are your friends?

2. How long are your friends’ smiles?

3. How wide are your friends’ smiles?

4. Look at the newspaper. Find a story that will make you smile. Cut it out and paste it into your book. Why did you choose this story? What about her made you smile? Write about it on the 6th and 7th pages.

5. Watch those people who, in your opinion, have a good smile. Find the «smile of the winner» among boys, girls, among adult men, adult women. Record your observations on pages 8 and 9. What was so special about each winner’s smile?

4. Secret “Man is a kind word” (d.s. — 4th)

The facilitator selects a child who during the day will play the role of “Man is a kind word”, and announces to the group that the person has been selected. Children do not know who exactly they are. During the day, this secret “Man is a kind word” counts all friendly remarks in his direction. At the end of the day, he tells the whole class who told him what.

Another option: “A person is a kind word” will count how many times a code word or phrase is said to him (for example, the phrase “I like your smile” can be such a password). When 5 people told him a code word, «Man is a kind word» is looking for a replacement.

5. Children write positive messages (2nd-6th)

With the help of a parent or caregiver, children write notes with kind words to their friends:

• «Thanks for…»
• «Get well soon, we miss you…»
• “We are very proud of you…”, etc.

6. Positive feedback (2nd-8th)

At the end of any event, feedback is organized — children speak or send notes to each other with the following statements:

• «I like it when you…»
• «It helps me when you…»
• “Our team was better today because you…”

You could also suggest that the child write down five things someone else can do or say to make them feel good and successful. For example:

• «Smile when you see me.»
• «Listen to me when I speak.»
• «Tell me that I was helpful to our team.»
• «Tell me what you missed when I was gone.»

7. Pocket with smiles (d.s. — 4th)

Cut out strips of 1 x 5 cm from light-colored thick paper. Each child should have as many stripes as there are children in the class. Children write the names of classmates on different strips and put them in a pocket glued from paper.

The lesson begins with the fact that everyone randomly selects three strips from a pocket, silently, not aloud, reads the written names and puts these strips in another pocket (a smile can be depicted on it). The task is for the child to say some encouraging phrase to the friends whose names he pulled out during the day.

Since positivity is best taught by example, make the same pockets for yourself. At the end of the day, ask the students to guess which classmate pulled out the strips with their names on them. You can ask questions such as:

— How did you know that Vanya pulled out your name?

What did your friend say to encourage you?

– Would you like to use something from what you heard today to use tomorrow?

The next day, everyone chooses three new names and repeats the procedure until all the names from the first pocket have moved to the pocket with a smile.

You can use a slightly different version of this game.

8. Banks with smiles (d.s. — 4th)

Take 3 empty cans (or juice bags with the top cut off), strips (1 for each child + 1 for the caregiver + 15 extra). Write the names of the children on the strips with a pencil. For children who can’t read, you can stick pictures on top. Place all name strips in a jar labeled «Friend».

On the remaining 15 strips, write positive phrases in pencil. Ask the children to come up with their own. Remind them that these should be phrases that will work for everyone (for example, the phrase «I like your brown shoes» is not suitable for this role), and that these phrases should bring a smile to the faces of friends. All phrases should be such that they can be said to any child in the group. Positive phrase strips may be a different color than name strips. Here are examples of positive phrases.

I’m glad to see you.

I like to be with you.

I like you.

You are good friend.

You have good ideas.

It’s nice to spend the day with you.

It’s fun with you.

I’m glad you’re around.

Let’s play together.

Thank you very much.

Put these strips in a jar labeled «Smile Words».

Each day, you choose a child who pulls one to three strips of friends’ names from a jar labeled «Friend.» During the day, he must say a positive phrase to these guys. If your toddler needs ideas for a positive phrase, they can pull the phrase strip out of the jar labeled «Smile Words.» Strips with the names of children who were told positive phrases are put into a jar with the inscription «Smiling Friend». When there are no names left in the Friend bank, put them back and start the game over.

Game options.

1. Everyone has their own jar of smiles. Every day, the child pulls a name out of the Friend jar, reads it, and puts it in the Smiling Friend jar after saying a friendly phrase to that person.

2. When the children enter the classroom, they pull out the strip from the Friend jar, read the name written on it, and put it in the Smiling Friend jar. This person becomes a secret friend for the day. It is he who needs to say friendly phrases. In this way, every day every student speaks and receives friendly compliments.

3. As in the previous version, the children pull out a strip with a name, and then write or draw friendly compliments to the person to whom they are intended.

Always keep a sufficient supply of positive phrase strips next to the Friend jar so that children can use them throughout the day.

9. Compliment (d.s. — 4th)

To create a “rope of compliments”, take a long cord or rope and prepare templates cut out of cardboard — figurines of boys and girls. Each child can decorate the figures with pieces of paper, braid, paint with pencils, etc.

Then write the names of the children on the figures (preferably with a thin black marker) and stick the made figures on clothespins, which should be evenly spaced along the entire length of the rope.

Compliments can be exchanged in several ways. For example, a child giving a compliment takes a piece of paper (you can prepare a template), fills it out and attaches it to the figure of the recipient of the compliment (this part of the lesson is suitable for those children who can write).

There are other options.

1. Every day, everyone chooses a secret friend by randomly drawing the name of a classmate from a box containing cards with the names of all the children (you can also use smile jars for this purpose). It is necessary during the day to write a compliment to a secret friend and attach it to the corresponding figure on a rope.

2. Children may also pass on compliments to a classmate of their choice — especially to those who have said or done something kind to them.

3. A child is selected who receives compliments throughout the day. Everyone writes a note with kind words to this person and attaches it to his/her figurine. At the end of the day, the recipient collects all messages from the class.

4. Children write compliments to classmates on special occasions (“Thank you for…”, “Happy birthday”, “Get well soon, we miss you”, etc.).

10. Person of the Week/Day (2nd-11th)

A photo of one student or, if playing at home, of any family member is posted, and everyone writes compliments to this person.

11. Happy accidents (2-8th)

A secretary is chosen who writes down the good things that happened during the day. In the family, the role of the secretary is performed by the child.

12. We note negative statements (d.s. — 11th)

Very often we don’t even notice our negative statements. Teach children to identify negativity with a code word or sound. Decide in advance the password and say it after each such statement.

Code words can be: «condemnation», «thorn», «causticity» or sounds like «bz-z-z», «ding-ding». This helps the speaker to understand that his words were inappropriate. For example, a child says: “Masha cannot draw anything. She’s kind of stupid.» Your reaction: “Bzzz… What did you say? Think of a different way to say it.»