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Do you think that your partner has changed, lost interest in you? Well, still, because he became gloomy and irritable. Oh yes, he said something about problems at work … The habit of attributing our thoughts and fears to another can prevent us from being happy.
“You don’t understand hints at all”, “you see everything perfectly, you just don’t want to admit it”, “how difficult it is with you” … If you have said something like that at least once in your life, then you are familiar with projection. To project is to attribute to another person (or even an inanimate object) feelings, thoughts, or intentions that actually belong to you. This is a protective mechanism of our psyche, which we inherited from childhood: this is how we make the complex external world simpler and more understandable. Psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella states: “Projections are an inevitable companion of communication.” But if we use them too often, it becomes a problem.
Pass the tests
- Are you asking too much of your partner?
- Are your reproaches against your partner fair?
Why are we doing this?
We all use projection from time to time. “It helps us overcome the barrier between ourselves and others: we imagine, we interpret, we guess,” explains Saverio Tomasella. At the very beginning of a relationship, our projections play a positive role. “We attribute to our chosen one traits that reinforce our first impression. Thanks to them, until recently, a stranger seems familiar to us and even relatives. This is the phase of idealization, when the partner seems to us to consist of nothing but virtues. The problem is that this state does not last forever. Sooner or later, we begin to look more soberly at the one who is next to us. And when the image created by our projections conflicts with reality, we often experience disappointment.
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- Protective mechanism
When are projections harmful?
If positive projections bind us to each other and make rapprochement easier and more comfortable, then negative ones, on the contrary, complicate relationships. Negative projections arise from the discrepancy between the image of a partner that we have created in our head and their actual behavior, as well as from our habit of predicting other people’s reactions and thinking for others. Situations in which the projection mechanism is triggered happen all the time. He came home from work late and did not warn, without enthusiasm he praised the new dress, and now suspicions arise in his head with lightning speed: he was offended, cheating, fell out of love. These thoughts begin to control our behavior – for example, make us act cold or start to find fault with a partner for any reason. And he may never understand what the matter is, and begin to build his conclusions on the basis of his own projections.
What is the danger?
If there are too many projections in our communication, they create an atmosphere of mutual distrust and doubt. And the consequences will not keep you waiting. Over time, you may get the feeling that the partner does not understand, does not know and does not love you. “This problem can be exacerbated if one of the two is internally vulnerable, has attachment problems, is depressed,” Saverio Tomasella warns. In the worst-case scenario, projections can lead to a break – if one of the partners does not want to analyze his reactions and believes that his reproaches and suspicions have serious grounds. “It all depends on whether each of the partners can look at the situation from the outside and accept their responsibility for the relationship,” says Tomasella.
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- How to part well
How to deal with it?
Know yourself. Each of us has our own sensitive buttons that trigger the projection mechanism. Of course, it is difficult to predict when they will work. But try to watch yourself. Learn to track your reactions as they arise. For example, you know that you tend to lose your temper when someone criticizes your family. You have noticed that your partner does not wear the tie your father gave you. You immediately react: “Oh, so you think my father has no taste?”
Don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong. There is no need to be ashamed of projections – this is the natural way in which our psyche tries to keep us safe. It is much more important to admit that we could be wrong. If you realized that you were angry with your partner for no reason, tell him about it and explain what caused your reaction. With the help of sincerity, the negative effect of projection can be corrected.
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- Irritation is a sign of… a good relationship
To ask questions. We live at a fast pace and we talk a lot. Sometimes even too much. Such communication is a breeding ground for projections: we do not always have time to realize what our interlocutor is saying, but we quickly respond. If the conversation touches on a topic that is sensitive to you or your interlocutor, it is especially important to ask questions. For example, your partner came home late from work. Maybe an urgent task fell on him, his boss did not let him go. Ask about it. So you not only clarify the situation, but also demonstrate your participation.
Develop your own wisdom. As we get to know each other, it becomes easier for us to understand where the boundaries lie, what sharp corners we should avoid so as not to provoke a conflict. Such caution does not humiliate us, but, on the contrary, demonstrates our maturity in relationships. Ultimately, the main thing is our desire to know the other person for who he is and to love him.
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