Trying to «win», «conquer», «achieve» a potential partner — is there any point in this if initially he or she did not reciprocate our feelings? Perhaps the most correct thing is to wait for a meeting with someone who will immediately imbue us with reciprocal sympathy?
What can we call the opposite of love? Some will say — hatred, others — indifference. But there is another answer to this question.
“Where love reigns, there is no will to power, and where power rules, there is no love.1”, wrote the classic of psychoanalysis Carl Gustav Jung. Perhaps the common expression “you won’t be forced to be nice” is just about the fact that you should not impose your will on another. After all, the manipulations that are used by someone who wants to be “nice by force” are a manifestation of power. It’s just that sometimes she disguises herself as caring and sincere concern …
“You won’t be forced to be nice” is almost the only reasonable message about relationships in our culture, says psychologist Anastasia Dolganova. “You can translate these words like this: you won’t force yourself to love, you won’t deserve love for yourself. To force means to show aggression, to deserve means to demonstrate obedience. Aggression involves the suppression of the other, and obedience — the suppression of oneself. Neither approach works when it comes to love.»
When we try to «win» another in order to gain sympathy, this is a «healthy process that naturally unfolds at the beginning of a relationship,» explains the psychologist. And when is it better for us to stop trying to win over another? “After the first outright rejection, this process either ends or ceases to be healthy. Then the one who was rejected tries to create a relationship not on the basis of love or sympathy, but on the basis of something else: gratitude, guilt, or even fear.
By seeking another, we can, of course, get some kind of relationship. But relationships are not the same as love.
Men are more likely to try to «force» to love, and women — to «deserve» reciprocal feelings. And if men’s «feats» are usually visible to the naked eye (supposedly random meetings, offers of help, gifts), then women act in less obvious ways.
As an unloved child tries to please indifferent or aggressive parents, so an unloved woman strives to become better, so that «he understands and loves.» She tries to win over a man by demonstrating unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is like in childhood — to obey, study well, help around the house … And suppress aggression in yourself so as not to alienate someone who, perhaps, happened to be nearby by chance.
Caring, empathizing, preparing surprises is definitely good for relationships. With one caveat: if the one for whom all this is intended is sincerely happy about this and is ready to give a symmetrical answer. “If we behaved this way towards loving partners, we would probably be very happy. But if the object of sighing is indifferent to us, all this will only cause him fatigue and irritation. And this is the case when it comes to a healthy partner. If the second participant in the drama has problems with ethics, he can exploit us with impunity, ”the psychologist warns.
We know stories of lovers who have spent years «conquering» the object of their passion. Sometimes they even end up in a wedding… “Achieving something else, we can, of course, get some kind of relationship. But relationships are not equal to love: it is not artificially created. For a long and deep feeling, mutual interest is needed, and to start it, first of all, a successful meeting, ”stresses Anastasia Dolganova.
A meeting that brings joy to both participants, not just one.
1 Carl Gustav Jung. Psychology of the Unconscious (Cogito-Center, 2006).