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If a slight sadness because of happy memories is appropriate and understandable, then pain and an irresistible desire to repeat everything are not very good. We begin to delve into our memory, trying to reproduce events in the present and, as a result, increase our torment. As if we are playing a game with ourselves, where all the characters, situations and feelings are divorced from reality. Why is this happening? And how to learn to remember the past without tearing the soul? The psychologist says.
From the point of view of psychology, we are quite capable of erasing bad and traumatic memories from our memory, but we do this, as a rule, only if we cannot cope with them in the present.
In particular, if in childhood situations happened to us more often of a negative nature than positive ones, if there were no adults nearby and no one helped us, then our brain blocks memories. And it does it immediately «wholesale». It is for this reason that some of us can remember absolutely nothing from a certain period of life, as if there was a complete void.
Do memories help or hurt?
Any thoughts about the past can harm or, conversely, benefit our health. And if the brain has blocked the memory of some events, then this is good.
There is a reverse situation: you coped with a negative event or it happened in adulthood. In this case, the brain does not specifically block these memories and stores them in a certain “file” — so that the next time a similar circumstance arises, you will be careful. And thus preserved their health and psycho-emotional stability.
But if negative events do not concern our life in a global sense, then the brain “wipes” them a little. So that we do not dwell on the negative, do not go into regrets or depressive states. And it also protects our psyche.
We can harm ourselves with memories by dwelling on the past and living only in it. Then we manifest the state of the so-called «eternal victim», who is not ready to take responsibility for the results of his life. It is easier for people with such a temperament to delve into the past than to live in the present. And they do it more often unconsciously, because it seems to them that it used to be good, but now it’s useless to do something — it will still be bad. As a result, any memory will be harmful.
How to understand that you are obsessed with the past
Seemingly happy memories make you suffer
Torment and regret about past events, even joyful ones, in your opinion, appear when you idealize what happened. Every time we mentally access a memory, the brain rewrites it in accordance with our desires and requests, “cleaning up” the negative details.
For example, if a person aged 40-50 longingly recalls an event that happened 20-30 years ago, then it will be radically different from what it really was. All the negative details have been erased, leaving only a fantastic blue dream.
You’re missing out on opportunities
With a manic obsession with the past, dissatisfaction with life, ourselves, events, people around us come to the surface. We initially look at our present and future with a bias, while we don’t see, we don’t look for and we don’t want to look for opportunities.
Thoughts are so chained in fear of responsibility that it is better to mourn the past and not face the results in your life. And if an opportunity appears on the horizon to leave a tyrant husband, change jobs or place of residence, a person chooses to flee and a position in which all failures fall on life itself.
How best to remember the past
If you recognize yourself in the description above, then first of all answer the questions: “what do I want in my life?”, “What results do I want to come to?”, “What do I want to have?”. Having received answers to them, you must understand and accept the main rule: “Either we live in the present and, based on today’s reality, change our lives and influence the future, or we continue to dig into the past and suffer.” It will not be possible to suffer for the past and build your future at the same time.
If you have had large-scale negative events, then in order to alleviate your condition, you need to look at the present in terms of gratitude and what you have already achieved. Bet on the moment «here and now», then the past will not cause suffering and mental anguish, but a slight sadness or a quiet, calm joy.