“You’re a corpse, how do you walk?”: The story of a girl who defeated anorexia and became a mother

Margaret is 29 years old. Four years ago, she experienced severe anorexia. With a height of 180 centimeters, she weighed 39 kilograms. But in spite of everything, the girl was able to get out, get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child. She Told his story, which will sober up those who are struggling with excess weight to the point of madness.

“All day I ate one jar of yogurt”

It all started six years ago with anorexia nervosa due to a failed marriage. I was very worried. She ate practically nothing. In order to somehow switch, I began to work out in the gym like crazy. Trained at least six times a week. I didn’t go to group training, but I was seriously engaged in the gym. Then I ate grapefruit, which is a fat burner. Against the backdrop of stress, a small amount of food, heavy loads, I finished myself.

As a result, anorexia nervosa developed into a classic one. The peak came in two years. I was hit very hard. I had food refusal, sleep refusal, mood swings.

At night I slept for two hours, did not eat anything after 15 hours. If I ate something, then I was twisted all over

No pasta, bread, sweets. I began to get hung up on the compositions, looked at all the packages, if I saw that there were more than 120 calories, I did not eat it under any circumstances.

During the day I could eat a jar of yogurt, and if I also had a cucumber, then it was a success. I just didn’t feel like eating, the pain started from eating. Then the mood began to jump. I could talk calmly, then suddenly began to cry, then at the click I switched again and spoke calmly, as if nothing had happened. I am analyzing this now, but then I did not attach any importance to it.

Another fun fact is that at this time I baked cakes to order. In general, all my work was related to nutrition, and I ate almost nothing. She was an anorexic pastry chef. And in parallel, she worked in a private elite gymnasium, was the head of food production. Once at work there was a nervous moment, and then anorexia said to me: “Hello”, my legs failed. Dad took me home. Fortunately, then it was short-lived.

“You will 100% have a sick child”

One day I walked past a mirror and was horrified. I still have this photo in the archive, I look at it when I start to drive again. She called her mother in tears and said: “Mom, I’m dying. I do not want”.

The impetus for treatment was a conversation with my young man’s mother at that time, with whom we were very close. She told me this phrase: “I read about your diagnosis. You will 100% have a sick child, it is better for you never to give birth. I hung up and thought, “Will I have a sick child? Yes, I will have the best child. And I began to eat slowly, through force: two “Baby” cookies and a jar of baby food. But it’s impossible to do it on your own.

“Doctors wondered how I could be alive”

How is anorexia treated? They lock you up in a psychiatric hospital and stuff you with pills. I have a friend who, having seen enough magazines, had anorexia at the age of 11-12. After the hospital, she went to psychotherapists for another 6 years, getting rid of her panic fears. I didn’t want to be stupid. Get a certificate that you’re crazy – well, that’s it. I went to the neurosis clinic.

At first they didn’t take me. I had a pressure of 30/27 and a weight of 42 kilograms. I could die at any moment. I had my blood pressure measured many times and did not believe that I could be alive with such indicators. They said: “You are a corpse, how do you walk?”

I left in tears and went home. But I knew that I couldn’t do it myself. Soon I called there again and began to ask: “I really need help, I don’t want to die.” I was accepted on one condition – that I would not refuse food, medicines and completely trust the doctors, or I would be transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

I stayed in the clinic from March to mid-May. And even before September she was on a day hospital. It was a terrible six months, I almost do not remember them. I do not remember the beginning of the treatment, because for the first days they dug me up so that I could sleep. Then there were psychotropic drugs, and on them I was an absolute emotional impotent – I didn’t roar, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t feel anything, as if I was blocked.

I was pointed at in the street

We do not know how to respond to anorexia. It was the most difficult period. They pointed fingers at me in the street. Literally, complete strangers told me: “E … you are thin”, “This is generally n …”

But I did not remain silent. She answered: “I will recover, but you will not have any brains, no education, nothing.” These people were silent, because they thought that I obviously would not stand up for myself. But thanks to this period, I learned not to take criticism to heart. It got to insanity, they discussed me in the store. A 20-year-old girl came up to me and exclaimed: “Mom, look at how thin her legs are.”

Then there was a case when during the treatment I had an accident, my mother and I went to the emergency room. And an unfamiliar woman approached my mother with the words: “What, does the girl have anorexia?”, And all this with laughter. Mom was just white.

“I felt pregnant on the third day”

In May, I left the neurosis clinic and soon met my current husband. It sounds strange, but we met him in the crematorium at the funeral of my friend’s mother. My husband says that for the first six months he met with me, but I didn’t with him, because of the drugs I didn’t have any emotions.

Despite the attempts of doctors to treat me with medication for infertility, nothing helped. We somehow got into a conversation with him, I asked him: “Why do you need this? I can not have children”. He replied: “If there is a child, it will be great. It won’t and won’t.” After 2 months of relationship, I was diagnosed with infertility, everything returned to normal. Weight was about 47-48 kilograms.

I am madly in love with children, and it was very scary to hear that I would not be able to give birth

My husband has such a character that I understood: we can, we will achieve. It seems impossible, but I felt pregnant on the third day. Apparently, I was really looking forward to this.

I had a very easy pregnancy, easy delivery. Probably, only thanks to my husband I was cured.

Parents are heroes too. When they let me go home for the weekend, they never once showed how hurt they were, how hard it was for them. They showed no weakness. I then asked how they survived it. And they admitted that they were on sedatives, because they understood: if they themselves surrender, then it will not end in anything good.

The realization that this is my daughter did not even appear when she was born. I looked at her for a long time and thought: “I did it,” and I myself did not fully believe it. This is true victory.

“I will never bring myself to such a state again”

I previously denied that I was anorexic. She said that I was a nervous anorexic, but this is different. But who are you fooling now? If I ate and lost weight, that’s one thing. But I didn’t eat by myself. Typical anorexic.

To this day, I am faced with the fact that sometimes girls pass by and say: “Oh my God, you have such luxurious legs.” To which I reply: “Girls, no. I have stick legs. There is nothing beautiful about it.” The worst thing is that girls do not always understand what beauty is. Good to watch Instagram! How many filters are there. This is the world of ideal people. For a long time there is no fashion for bones.

Never tell an anorexic or ex-anorexic that he has gotten better. People will think that they said from the impulse “you are doing well”, and an anorexic will turn on anorexia. I don’t know how to explain it.

Now, looking at me, you can still think that I have anorexia. But for me, a sign that you have anorexia is infertility and problems with the gastrointestinal tract. I get those judgmental looks on me. Love for oversize, of course, saves me. But summer comes, I put on a crop top, and they poke a finger at me, open my legs – they poke a finger. Consider adults, children, grandparents.

To this day, my parents look at me and say: “You lost weight, you don’t eat again.” I say: “Yes, you calm down, everything is fine.” I myself perfectly understand that you can’t get out of anorexia a second time. It hits all organs absolutely, all vitamins and minerals are washed out. If you subject the body to such stress for the second time, it will simply say: “Bye.”

Now I understand clearly that nothing in this world will make me so nervous that I bring myself to the point where I can die. Especially now that I have a daughter. This is unacceptable.

Prepared by: Irina Akhmetshina