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You may be emotionally illiterate and don’t know it
Psychology
The psychologists Gema Sánchez Cuevas and Valeria Sabater review in «Put a heart to your brain» the keys to the emotional universe to improve our relationships
They may be adept at mastering multiple competencies, they may have peer degrees, and they may even have above-average intelligence, but they have trouble managing emotions such as anxiety, anger, or fear of embarrassment. The emotional illiterates are those people who do not understand their emotions well and that causes them a growing psychological distress. And be careful, because we are not talking about cold, hard, calculating and not very empathetic people, but about something that goes much further and is well known by the psychologists Gema Sánchez Cuevas and Valeria Sabater, authors of the book «Put a heart in your brain. Understand your emotions to live better »(from The Mind is Wonderful for The Sphere of Books).
The authors of this guide to understanding emotions they distinguish three profiles that could define the emotional illiterate, whom they describe as “a person who does not know or who has very little contact with the emotional universe.” According to Sánchez Cuevas, these profiles fit emotional illiteracy:
The “white knights”. «Those people who are available to everyone except themselves, that is, they prioritize the needs of others and they say yes to almost everything they ask, “explains the psychologist, who states that, in this case, what actually happens is that they tend to hide their emotions and disappointments to appear strong and available. “And this comes at a cost,” he clarifies.
Each filtering bag “Crystal hearts.” They are very sensitive people, with high empathy but also with a high emotional contagion. “They are immediately infected by the worries, anguish and needs of others, since they personalize everything”, defines Sánchez Cuevas. The problem is, as he explains, that they feel bad because they are not usually clear about the boundary between themselves and others.
Each filtering bag “Warriors with fiery breastplates”. They are usually people with high resolution and motivation, but who do not see beyond your point of view. His motto is, according to Sánchez Cuevas, “You are with me or against me” And the thing is, he has the emotional intelligence of a three-year-old so they often get angry and frustrated.
Although these profiles make it possible to identify an emotional illiterate, psychologists affirm that in reality it can be anyone who does not know the emotional world and does not know very well what their emotions want to tell them and what they are for. Regarding the consequences, the expert points out that the trace of emotional illiteracy is usually the suffering anguish and a state of apathy y reluctantly That produces the fact of not knowing well how one feels and what happens inside.
What do I do if I am emotionally illiterate?
If when reading this article you have felt identified with any of the profiles or you have considered that you could be one of them, the first thing you should do, according to Gema Sánchez Cuevas advises, is to be interested in emotions and learn from them. You must know what are emotions, what do they want to tell you and what do they work for. «But not only those that make you feel good, but all of them. Well, often we tend to ignore those with which we feel uncomfortable, “he says.
Anger, anger, frustration … and all emotions include a message that is important so instead of being carried away by them, the expert advises stopping and deciphering what they mean about you and your needs. «It is usually difficult to accept, but what we feel is our responsibility. We are the ones who have to manage those emotions, “says the author of” Put a heart in your brain, “a guide that provides tools and resources to regulate emotions in our relationship with others.
What if he is my partner or is in my family?
Living with the emotionally illiterate is not usually easy. The reason for this difficulty lies, according to the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas, in that for them there is only their reality, a point of view and what they consider best. “They are often frustrated, have many mood swings and do not communicate well, so you always have to find out what they want and how they feel,” he describes.
That is why it is likely that, according to the psychologist, their behavior has a secondary effect on us. But to minimize this impact, the psychologist recommends maintaining calm, show firm and keep in mind how they are. “The key is not to get carried away by their instability or to get on their level. We must maintain the temperance», He assures.
It is also important when interacting with them or asking for something that you let’s talk in a concrete and specific way, pointing out what bothers us and how it makes us feel, instead of using vague, imprecise or general expressions. “We must facilitate dialogue and make them understand that we also have needs,” says Sánchez Cuevas.
The emotions that cost us the most
La sadness and anger they are frequent emotions. But despite the fact that we often experience them throughout our lives, they are the emotions that we find the most difficulties with when managing them, according to the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas. The problem is that, on the one hand, we tend to get carried away by them and, on the other, that we consider them to be bad and do not suit us. “This causes a lot of people to run away when they experience them. It encloses them and pretends they don’t exist, they express it in many other ways, “he says.
But all emotions have a purpose and a meaning: they inform us of what is happening inside us and how our surroundings affect us.
Anger, for example, indicates that we feel threatened or vulnerable because something has happened that we consider an injustice, although it can be due to many other things, of course. As for sadness, it usually demands that we stop, that we calm down, that we connect with our pain and that we solve something.