You have witnessed parental abuse. What to do?

Few people are able to calmly pass by if a guy attacks a girl on the street or a purse is taken away from a grandmother. But in a situation where a mother screams or spanks her child, everything is more complicated. Do we — bystanders — have the right to interfere in other people’s family affairs? Can we help in this situation?

Let’s see why so many emotions and thoughts cause such scenes in casual bystanders. And also think about what kind of intervention and in what situations is acceptable and useful.

Family affairs

Everything that happens between children and parents at home is their business. Until alarm signals appear — a strange condition and behavior of the child, complaints from him, numerous bruises, screams or heart-rending crying behind the wall. And even then, you should carefully consider before calling the guardianship, for example.

But if a scandal takes place on the street, then all bystanders become unwitting participants. Some of them are with children who are sensitive to such scenes. And then it turns out that society has the right to intervene — and often not only to protect the child from the scandalous scene, but also to take care of themselves and their children, for whom even watching scenes of violence is generally not useful.

The main question is what kind of intervention should be in order for it to help, not harm.

Why scenes with slaps and screams hurt bystanders

Each person has empathy — the ability to feel the emotions and pain of another. We feel the pain of children very acutely, and if suddenly a child is offended, we want to say loudly: “Stop this immediately!”

Interestingly, in a situation with our own child, it happens that we do not hear his emotions, because there are also ours — parental feelings that can sound louder for us. So in the case when a parent on the street furiously “hammers” something to his child, the parent hears his emotions much louder than children’s. From the outside, this is a scene of child abuse, terrible by the very fact, and watching and hearing this is even more terrible.

But if you look from the inside, this is an emergency situation in which both the parent and the child need help. A child, whether he is guilty or not, in any case does not deserve cruel treatment.

And the parent has reached the boiling point and by his actions harms the child, damages the relationship and adds a sense of guilt to himself. But he does not do such terrible things out of nowhere. Perhaps this is an overly tired mom or dad who grew up in an orphanage, and they have such patterns of behavior in stress. This does not justify anyone, but allows you to look at what is happening a little from the outside.

And it turns out that the situation is similar to the crash of an airplane and in it it is necessary that the parent first put on an oxygen mask for himself, and then for the child.

Of course, all this applies to those manifestations of violence where there is no direct threat to someone’s life. If you have witnessed a scene with a frank beating — this is a plane that has already crashed, no oxygen masks will help — call for help as soon as you can or intervene yourself.

You can’t spank children!

Yes, spanking is also violence, and the first thing you want to do is stop it immediately. But what is behind this intention? Condemnation, anger, rejection. And all these feelings are quite understandable, because the children are very sorry.

And it seems that you can find the right words that, like a «magic key», will open the way out of the cycle of violence.

But if an outsider comes up to an angry father and says: “You are doing bad things to your child! Children must not be beaten! Stop!” – how far do you think he will be sent with such an opinion? Such remarks only continue the cycle of violence. Whatever the words, there is, alas, no magic key that opens the door to the heart of an angry parent. What to do? Shut up and walk away?

Social media is full of memories of adults being abused as children. They write that they dreamed most of all that someone would protect them then, long ago, when their parents were unfair or cruel. And it seems to us that it is possible to turn from a bystander into a defender, if not for ourselves, but for this, someone else’s child … But is it so?

The problem is that coming up and interfering in their affairs without the permission of the participants is also somewhat violent. So with good intentions, we often continue the completely unkind. This is justified in cases where you need to break up a fight and call the police. But in a situation with a screaming parent and child, intervening will only add rage to their communication.

It even happens that, embarrassed, an adult remembers that he is «in public», he will postpone «educational measures», but at home the child will get doubly.

Is there really no way out? And there is nothing we can do to help children?

There is a way out, but there is no magic key. It will not be possible to find such words that would instantly act on any parent and would stop what we do not like so much and what harms children.

Parents need time to change. Society needs time to change. According to some theories, even if most parents start working on themselves right now, introducing non-violent parenting methods, we will see significant changes only after 1-2 generations.

But we – casual witnesses of parental injustice or cruelty – can help break cycles of abuse.

Only this way out is not through condemnation. And through information, support and sympathy, and only gradually, in small steps.

Information, support, empathy

If you have witnessed a situation that directly threatens the life of a child (outright beating), of course, you should call the police, call for help, break up the fight. In other cases, the main motto should be «Do no harm.»

Information will definitely not harm — the transfer of information about how violence harms the child and his future, child-parent relationship. But this should not happen in an emotional moment. I know cases when leaflets and magazines about education were thrown into the mailbox of one family. Good option for information.

Or you can write articles, shoot videos, share infographics, talk about the latest parenting research at parenting events.

But in a situation where a parent beats a child, it is impossible to inform him, and judging is useless and even, perhaps, harmful. Need an oxygen mask for a parent, remember? It’s hard to believe, but this is how the cycle of violence is interrupted. We do not have the right to raise other people’s children, but we can help parents in stress.

The biggest challenge is to find even a modicum of sympathy for this annoyed, angry, screaming or hitting adult. But just imagine how badly he himself must have been beaten as a child if he became capable of such a thing.

Can you find compassion in yourself? Not everyone can sympathize with a parent in such a situation, and this is also normal.

If you can find sympathy within yourself, you can try to gently intervene in scenes of parental abuse. The best thing to do is to offer help to the parent as neutrally as possible. Here are a few ways to help.

How to behave?

These tips may seem ambiguous, but believe me, it is precisely such a reaction that will help both the child who is offended and the adult. And not at all your screams at an already annoyed parent.

1. Ask: “Do you need help? Maybe you are tired? with an expression of sympathy.

Possible result: “NO, go away, none of your business” is the most likely answer you will get. Then do not impose, you have already done something important. Mom or dad rejected your help, but this is a break in the pattern — they were not condemned, but offered sympathy. And the child saw it — for him it is also a good example.

2. You can ask like this: “You must be very tired, maybe I will bring you a cup of coffee from the nearest cafe? Or do you want me to play with your child in the sandbox for half an hour, and you just sit?

Possible result: Some mothers will agree to accept help, at first, however, they will ask again, embarrassed: “You can definitely go and buy me coffee / tinker in the sandbox, will that make it difficult for you?” But there is a chance that mom will refuse your help. And that’s okay. You did what you could. Such small steps are very important, even if the result is not immediately visible.

3. Some of us can easily find contact with strangers, and if this is your talent — talk to a tired mom / dad, listen and sympathize.

Possible result: Sometimes «talking with a stranger on a train» is healing, it’s a kind of confession. It’s about the same here — if a person is set to share something of his own or cry, you will understand this. Cheer with any words, sympathize, any such participation will be useful.

4. Keep a couple of business cards of a family psychologist with you and share a contact on occasion with the words: “It was similar with my girlfriend, she got tired and the child did not obey, and the psychologist helped.” Business cards — for those who have already agreed to accept your help or offer to talk. And this is an option “for advanced” — not everyone understands how a psychologist can help, not everyone agrees to spend money on it. Your job is to offer.

Possible result: The reaction can be different — someone will take it out of politeness, someone will sincerely think about using a useful contact, and someone will say: “No, thanks, we don’t need a psychologist” — and has the right to such an answer. No need to insist. Getting the answer «No» is not always easy. And if you feel that you are somehow sad or sad about this, share it with a loved one who will be able to support you.

Take care of yourself

Everyone has their own level of acceptance of violence. For some, screaming is normal, but spanking is already too much. For some, the norm is sometimes, in the most extreme case, to spank a child. For others, punishment with a belt is acceptable. Some people don’t accept anything like that at all.

When we witness violence beyond our personal tolerance, it can hurt. Especially if in our childhood there were punishments, humiliations, violence. Some have an increased level of empathy, that is, they are more sensitive to any emotional scenes.

If you are hurt by situations in which parents are rude to their children, it is important to take care of yourself. Understand why it hurts you, perhaps find the cause and close your injury, if, of course, there is one.

Today, many parents are aware of the dangers of spanking and a belt, but not everyone is able to change their behavior. Those who succeed and those who try are especially sensitive to random scenes of violence.

Taking care of yourself sounds selfish when it comes to the observed scene of violence. It seems to us that lowering our threshold of sensitivity to such phenomena is almost a betrayal. But on the other hand, it opens up new opportunities — having worked through our own traumas, acting like this selfishly, we will find more space in ourselves for sympathy, help. It turns out that this is useful not only for us personally, but also for society as a whole. After all, the more sympathy parents receive in an emergency, the better it will be for their children and families, and the better and faster society will change.