Parental chats seem to be useful. It is convenient to exchange information in them, you can discuss urgent issues that relate to school and kindergarten affairs. But in reality, parents in correspondence behave more aggressively than at meetings: in the virtual, conflicts occur much more often than in reality. And sometimes it comes down to murder. So it turns out — the quarrel is virtual, but the tragedy is real. Why?
Roman Grebenyuk from Volgograd quarreled in a parent chat with the mother of his daughter’s classmate. The woman, in turn, complained to her brother and husband. In her opinion, Grebenyuk insulted her in correspondence. The outcome of the virtual dispute ended in tragedy: on October 23, the man was beaten in front of bank visitors, and on November 1, he died in the hospital without regaining consciousness.
The case is wild, but far from the only one. A year ago, an incorrect remark in the parental chat of one of the Ufa kindergartens caused a fight: one of the mothers made a remark to the other. As a result, the women decided to find out the relationship «in real life.» The case ended in litigation.
Contained Aggression
It seems to be a common thing — chats, but why do we sort things out in them so violently? Perhaps the fact is that virtual communication removes the framework in which a person keeps himself in personal communication. Irritation accumulates inside, but it is held back by shame and fear of causing aggression or dislike towards oneself.
However, if there is no physical contact between us and the opponent, if we do not see each other, it is easier for us to allow negative feelings to manifest. Parents often take it out on others, gaining confidence that they lack in the real world.
“First of all, let’s consider the mechanism of virtual communication itself. In the psyche of each person there are repressed, taboo aspects that do not manifest themselves in the process of live contact. For example, it may be an unconscious fear of one’s own aggression. Therefore, it accumulates due to different situations, and then either breaks out with an explosion, or is issued through passive-aggressive behavior. Or shame does not allow self-expression, and then the person is squeezed into the framework, into the constant scanning of what they think about him. This eventually leads to outbursts of envy at the emancipation of others, expressed through unpleasant words.
There are many options. The general is manifested in the «freezing» of some part of oneself and one’s experiences, which is especially manifested in direct contact. Virtual communication removes these blocks, whether it is a parent chat or correspondence in social networks. When there is no limiting factor in front of us in the form of a living person, correspondence risks turning into a testing ground, ”explains clinical psychologist Tatyana Poddubnaya.
“This is no longer a person, but only a profile”
Speaking sharply in the chat, the interlocutors forget that they are not nicknames and avatars, but living people with their own views, opinions, cultural attitudes, with their own emotions and mental characteristics. Online correspondence seems to erase a person. It is no longer a person, but only a profile.
And if in reality we tend to hide intolerance towards others, then in the chat you can turn around. After all, in front of us is not a person, but a telephone number, sometimes even without a photograph …
“Some parents in these chats allow themselves to speak with disdain about others, especially if these others disagree with something. In ordinary life, such people behave similarly, although dependence on public opinion makes them restrain themselves.
The reasons for their aggressive behavior are the need for self-affirmation and intolerance for otherness. Faced with the differences of others, they feel shame and helplessness, and therefore try to devalue the opponent as much as possible. A woman from the chat did the same when she began to humiliate a man, ”says the expert.
I would like to live in a world where everyone not only obeys the laws, but also has a humanistic view of what is happening. However, until this happens, we will have to take into account that we ourselves are responsible for our own safety, especially when it comes to such shaky ground as virtual reality.
own reality
It is difficult for some to separate the virtual space from the real, material world. And in this case, everything that was said in the correspondence format becomes the “truth”, which requires response. Most often, such thinking is characteristic of people with a “psychopathic grain”, prone to aggression in everyday life. Therefore, the murder in Volgograd, the fight in Ufa and other similar cases have much in common.
“Most likely, the attacks of the man to his opponent seemed “real”. In addition, some members of her family, I think, had psychopathic tendencies, the expert clarifies. — Usually, after aggressive correspondence, you want to brush yourself off, digest what happened and try to think less about it, although the sediment can remain for a long time. We scroll through the written and read in our head, argue, convince. But at the same time, we understand that our angry messages will not go further, that they have the right to exist only in our heads.”
When a psychopathic person finds himself in such a situation, insults are taken too literally and instantly cause such a strong rage that a person is not able to control in principle. Unpleasant words are perceived as a deep insult and an occasion for physical attack. And killing a person with these personality traits seems to be quite an equivalent payment for harsh statements.
This distorted logic led to the terrible outcome of the conflict in Volgograd. And how many such quarrels occur in parent chats every day? And how many of them could potentially lead to similar tragedies? We also forget that the damage in this story is caused primarily to children who have become hostages of adults and their unresolved problems…
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What to do to avoid conflicts in parent chats?
- Do not forget that when you correspond in chats and social networks, you are talking to people. And you can’t know exactly what they are. Therefore, in a virtual space that allows us to hide behind masks, every word spoken should be weighed and conflicts should not be allowed to flare up out of the blue.
- Remember that parent chats were originally conceived in order to jointly resolve issues related to children. It is this goal that should be a priority in your communication with other parents. You can discuss the sore with relatives or with a specialist, but you should not cross the line in conversations with the fathers and mothers of the child’s classmates.
- Try to maintain a polite, neutral tone, even if your opponent seems to be provoking you. Our main task is to remain human, even if we communicate online, and not in a meeting face to face. And in this case, we should be especially attentive to each other.