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Friendship with a colleague is perhaps the best thing that can happen to any of us. When there is someone in the team who is close in spirit, it is easier for us to put up with the routine and endure the nitpicking of the authorities, and there are more reasons to rush to the office in the morning. But what if you both dreamed of a promotion, but you got it?
Friendship can help in a difficult period, thanks to it it is easier to endure difficulties: poor working conditions or problems with superiors. A recent survey showed that in the US, 20% of working people have a colleague as their best friend. The camaraderie also benefits the employer: those who have good friends perform their duties more diligently.
But such relations between employees, for all their advantages, are fraught with resentment and awkward situations. Patricia Sias of the University of Arizona studies the issue of friendship between colleagues. Her research shows that when one of your friends is promoted, relationships often start to deteriorate.
If you landed a job that a friend was applying for, it could be awkward in the relationship.
Let’s say you get promoted. If not only you, but also friends and colleagues applied for the position, tension inevitably arises in relations, you have to look for compromises between friendship and career ambitions.
“When you break up with a partner, you can cut him out of your life and never see him again. But if you had a fight at work, you will have to see each other every day (until one of you quits), especially if you are doing a common thing. It can be painful for both,” says Patricia Sias.
If you get a position that your friend also applied for, the relationship between you may become awkward, and it will take effort to maintain it. Make it possible.
1. Accept that the relationship will change.
Do not think that everything will remain the same in them. Even under the best of circumstances, maintaining a friendship takes time and effort. And now that you’ve climbed the next step, it can get even more difficult.
Jessica Meto from Rutgers University is researching the problems of personnel management. She has studied the dynamics of friendship between employees in insurance companies, restaurants, and retail stores. Her research has confirmed that friendships with colleagues contribute to the psychological well-being of employees. But managing the roles of colleague and friend at the same time can be challenging.
If you’ve landed a position, Meto’s advice is to focus on the role of a colleague first and be objective, strategically considering how your personal relationships with other employees will look in the eyes of the team.
If employees see that the boss is constantly whispering to a friend, this will puzzle them.
“The professional aspects of your relationship should come first. If you’re a friend’s boss, it’s important that no one gets the impression that you’re creating special conditions for them, giving them more resources, or sharing information that others don’t know,” advises Metho.
You may have to cut back on face-to-face contact for this. “If employees see that the boss is constantly whispering to a friend, this will surely puzzle them: what are they talking about and why are other colleagues excluded from the conversation?” You should not rush to the other extreme and start treating a friend more strictly than other employees.
2. Discuss perspectives
Discussing a promotion with a friend who is also applying for the position is both easy and difficult. You can fall into a psychological trap called the “illusion of transparency”: it will seem to you that you perfectly understand what a friend is thinking and feeling, when in fact you are not. In other words, you may decide that he already understood everything and it is not necessary to talk with him on this topic.
But in order to maintain friendship and business reputation, it is important to discuss what happened. “It’s worth talking about what your relationship will be like in the future, what you can expect and what you both need,” says psychologist Melody Wilding.
Jessica Meto advises not to focus on why you were promoted, and not a friend, but simply to discuss the future prospects of your relationship.
3. Admit that a friend is hurt and hurt
Patricia Sias advises during a conversation with a friend to explain that you understand his feelings well. This is how you show respect. If he is very upset, discuss his experiences first, not your new position: “The best way to overcome unpleasant emotions is to talk about them.”
Instead of “Yes, I know, I got promoted instead of you. Are you worried? put it mildly: “I know it was important to you. How are you?”
If a friend and colleague is openly jealous of you, you should not start making excuses. Better ask him more. If he is sure that you “stole” a new position from him, do not rush to deny it – it is better to show him that you understand his feelings. “You can say: “I understand, you feel like I stole this position from you,” this will clearly show that you heard him. After that, you can ask: “Could you explain in more detail why you think so?”
4. Don’t try to convince him
You are not able to influence the reaction of a friend. If he is not as happy about your promotion as you would like, do not try to change it. “You may think that you have to convince him to change his attitude to what happened. But this is not your responsibility. All you need is empathy and a willingness to talk,” Wilding explains. “Make sure that you do not have a subconscious desire to somehow compensate your friend for what happened, to create special conditions for him.”
5. Choose the right words
Your friend may be very upset that he did not receive the expected assignment. Jessica Methot believes that promotion gives you both a reason to reflect on your professional success and your status. As a result, your friend may decide that he is simply not good enough.
Be sensitive, do not show off your new status in his presence. When discussing this topic with him, avoid categorical statements about winners and losers, success and failure. It would be much better to phrase it in terms like “I have been assigned to another position,” “I have been assigned new responsibilities.”
In any company, management decides who to promote and who not, based on many factors.
If you are a real comrade, then you yourself perfectly understand that you should not flaunt a promotion in front of a friend. Don’t directly compare yourself to him, don’t say, “Well, I did better” or “I’m a better fit.” It is important to show him that your success does not mean his failure.
“In any company, management decides who gets promoted and who doesn’t, based on a lot of different factors. The main thing is not who “won” or “lost”, but who is better suited for a new role,” Melody Wilding sums up.