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This happens to even the most patient parents. A sharp shout, a swing, rude words that we are immediately ready to regret. But what’s done is done. Question: how to adequately get out of this delicate situation? What strategies will be the most productive?
Most parents choose one of three common scenarios.
They begin to reproach themselves for another breakdown and feel guilty.
They try in every possible way to appease the children and establish relationships with them. But at the same time they are silent about what happened, as if it was necessary.
They take a defensive position, justify their behavior and convince themselves that they didn’t scream so much that it was the child’s fault because he behaved disgustingly.
These scenarios don’t work very well, says Carla Naumburg, parenting expert and author of How to Stop Taking It out on Your Kids. Self-flagellation is an emotional dead end. It does not give room for further development, you just get stuck in it. As for the defensive position, this reaction also does not allow one to realize what happened and what to do next time. Trying to appease a child can lower your credibility. Carda Naumburg explains which strategies will be more productive.
Calm down
When stress levels are high, it takes time for the parasympathetic system to kick in and you to be able to think logically. There are many ways to calm down. You can breathe, stretch, go to another room, vigorously do some business. Experiment.
Feel sorry for yourself
Being kind to yourself is the most effective way to prevent future breakdowns.
If you have been accustomed to behaving in the opposite way over the years, self-compassion will require deep inner work from you. Remember: punishing yourself for relapses will not fix the situation. And self-compassion does not mean ignoring the problem.
By empathizing with ourselves, we notice that we are experiencing difficulties: we remind ourselves that we are not alone, and we begin to treat ourselves in a kind way. As a result, we calm down and gain the ability to think clearly and make informed decisions.
Be curious about yourself
Curiosity about your inner world, triggers and breakdowns does not mean self-criticism or denial. Remember how you felt the last time someone genuinely asked about your condition, not rushing to criticize you. We bet you felt calm, supported and confident in further actions. So, you can show the same interest in yourself and your experience.
After you have exhaled, distracted yourself and calmed down a little, try asking yourself the following questions:
What am I thinking? How do I feel?
What is happening to my body? Do I feel tired? Do I need to eat, drink water or coffee?
What drives me crazy? What else is going on in my life?
Does the time of day or year affect my well-being? Perhaps the stress is caused by some future events?
What will help me calm down now?
What do my children need? Maybe they are tired, hungry, sick, going through a difficult period?
Who can I write or call and ask for help?
When you calm down, take an interest in what was happening in your body at the time of the breakdown: were your shoulders tense; whether you wanted to run away; did you drive yourself into a rage; Did you cling to every little thing in the child’s behavior?
So you learn to recognize your reactions and be able to warn them in time the next time you find yourself on the edge.
If you notice that you are constantly haunted by feelings of loneliness, stress, talk to someone about it. Seek support from experts: this trigger is not going anywhere until you work it out.
Make peace with children
Sincere reconciliation will help you and your child to calm down and again feel solid ground under your feet. This is the best way to explain what happened and prevent wrong conclusions: for example, children often assume that they are to blame for everything and think that they are bad.
You need to start with an apology. There is nothing wrong with apologizing to a child: this will not undermine your authority. But you will definitely show the right example of behavior for the future and give the children a reason to be imbued with respect for you.
Apologizing doesn’t mean you haven’t noticed your child’s misbehavior, and doesn’t cancel a later conversation. But while the child is under stress, he will not hear you. Make up first, then talk.
How not to apologize
«I’m sorry I yelled, but I fucking warned you a million times not to throw a damn ball at the glass and you didn’t listen!»
“I’m sorry I blew up, but you’re acting like a little bastard. What do you want from me?»
If you add the word «sorry» to a sentence, it does not become the default apology. In fact, the examples of «apologies» above are nothing more than another wave of undercover breakdowns. If these are the phrases that come out of you, then it’s time to listen to your state, pause and switch. When you calm down, you can truly apologize. A real apology usually consists of three parts:
Take responsibility for your behavior. Recognize your role in the situation, whatever it may be.
Just apologize.
Make a plan for next steps. Explain what you will do differently next time and how that will help.
Here’s an example: «I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was angry (angry) that you didn’t put on your shoes. Yelling is not good, and I apologize. Let’s try to help each other more and work as a team: you will listen to me carefully, and I will try to control myself and not scream. I agree?»
Apologize for the behavior, but not the emotions. You can acknowledge your annoyance, nervousness, fatigue, and other emotions, but you don’t have to apologize for them. All emotions have a right to exist. What you need to apologize for is behavior.
The difference between what you feel and what you do is an important distinction that both you and your children need to understand. The ability to experience different emotions without acting on them is an important life skill (one that sags in many of us).
Don’t promise you’ll never take it out on your kids again: that’s unlikely.
Make a plan for next steps, if possible. Predictability gives a feeling of solid ground under your feet. This is not about a plan for the rest of your life, but about what you intend to do, for example, during the rest of the day.
Speak clearly and concisely. Too many words and explanations will confuse the child and confuse him more. If you find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness while looking your child straight in the eyes, sit next to him on the couch. Stand side by side near the kitchen table. Talk in the car. Stay close, but do not look or invade his personal space — this way you can slightly defuse the situation.
Don’t expect specific reactions from children (apologies, hugs, etc.). Try not to get bored that now it’s the child’s turn to apologize. This is nothing more than a continuation of the breakdown, and as long as it is, you will not achieve anything.
End the reconciliation in your own way. Some children want to be hugged, others want to play with them or read a book together. For some, having a joint snack in the kitchen or moving to music helps relieve stress. There are children who prefer to be alone: draw, read, play outside. If your child is like this, give him the opportunity to be alone.
If you still feel on edge, try to distance yourself for a while. Try to slow down as much as possible, focus on something, and take many deep breaths in and out. If the child is old enough, say: “I’m still upset and tired and I don’t want to yell at you again. I need to be in a calm environment. Let me give you a book or a toy, and I myself (a) rest?
So you do not show indifference; you take care of yourself so that they can better fulfill their duties in the future and give the children a good example of how to behave when passions heat up.